


Human Quadrants

by siderealSandman



Series: Gods of Altearthia [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Anal Sex, Buff!John, Caliginous Romance | Kismesis, F/F, F/M, Lingerie, Multi, Open Relationships, Oral Sex, Polyamory, Post-Sburb/Sgrub, Sex Toys, Shower Sex, Troll Romance, Trolls on Earth, Unconventional Relationship, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-05
Updated: 2015-11-17
Packaged: 2018-04-24 22:17:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4937350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/siderealSandman/pseuds/siderealSandman
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whoever said it was easy for humans to deal with troll romance was a lying liar who lies. Years after SBURB ends, John and Rose find it hard to adjust to the fact that their girlfriends routinely hatebang each other and sexile them while they get their Blackrom on. John and Rose struggle to work through it until Jade suggests something that might make things easier for both of them...sometimes you need to bend the rules a little to make a relationship work.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Twizzlers and Eraserhead

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Человеческие Квадранты (Human Quadrants by siderealSandman)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8672944) by [Mr_Scapegrace](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_Scapegrace/pseuds/Mr_Scapegrace)



A soft, pale light enveloped the living room as Rose padded in on bare feet, pillow tucked under one arm as she squinted at the shadowy back of John Eggbert sprawled out on the couch.

“Is this Eraserhead?” Rose asked, flopping down on the couch next to John and taking a Twizzler from the box next to John and shoving it into her mouth as she squinted at the screen.

“Probably,” John shrugged, watching as the man on screen removed a screaming baby’s skin and swaddling with one sweep of the scissors. “Literally nothing else on and-“

“Couldn’t sleep,” Rose finished, crossing her legs and kicking them up on the coffee table in front of her."Do you mind if I keep you company?"

"Not at all," John said with a disinterested shrug. "Take my mind off this stupid movie...among other things..."

“…do you want to talk about it?”

“Trying really hard not to think about it so I’m gonna have to pass,” John said, biting into a Twizzler with more force than strictly necessary. A crashing sound came from behind them and John started cranking the volume up until the faint but distant sounds of moaning were drowned out under the movie’s droning soundtrack.

Rose was silent for a moment, looking between John’s face and the TV screen.

“This is your fault, by the way,” John said, crossing his arms and glaring at the screen.

“Assigning blame is hardly productive, John,” Rose said coolly, snatching another one of his Twizzlers away before he could stop her. “Besides, no one forced you and Vriska to move in at gunpoint.”

“No one forced your girlfriend to start hatefucking my girlfriend either,” John groused, arms crossed and avoiding Rose’s gaze. “But here we are, sitting on the couch, eating Twizzlers and trying to ignore the fact that Vriska and Kanaya are fucking each other behind our backs.”

“It’s hardly “behind our backs” if we know about it,” Rose said, leaning on one of the arms of the couch and looking across at John.

“They are _literally_ fucking behind our backs!” John hissed, gesturing behind them to the door separating Rose’s living room and kitchen from the bedroom Vriska and Kanaya were currently in the process of destroying.

“Calm down,” Rose sighed, resting her hand on her chin. “If you had a problem with it, you should have said something when they told us they were commencing a caliginously concupiscent courtship.”

“Wow, Rose, that was wordy, even for you,” John said, rolling his eyes and earning himself a smack on the arm with a Twizzler. “Are you telling me you’re not bothered by this?”

“Hardly,” Rose said, glaring at the TV screen. “It’s part of troll culture. It would be…insensitive to let my personal feelings get in the way of Kanaya’s happiness.”

John turned, fixing Rose with a deadpan _are-you-fucking-kidding-me-Lalaonde_ look.

“ _Evasiveness is a sign of mental distress, Ms. Lalonde_ ,” John said in his best approximation of Rose’s voice, causing a twitch in Rose’s eyebrow. “Are you saying that you have noooooooooooooo problem with Vriska putting her mouth aaaaaaaaall over your girlfriend right now?”

“I should like to think I’m beyond such _juvenile_ expressions of jealousy,” Rose said stiffly, eyes locked with the screen as the protagonist of the movie found the object of his affection in the arms of another man.

“Really,” John said, raising the remote control and hitting the mute button. Almost instantly, the sound of banging furniture, muffled curses, and low, ragged moans coming from the bedroom behind them. John set the remote down between them as Kanaya’s soft voice groaned out Vriska’s name into the empty house. Rose’s lip twitched ever so slightly which was the Lalonde equivalent of trashing a room all Citizen Kane. Rose’s eyes burned a hole in the television screen for thirty long seconds as John watched, chewing on his candy expectantly.

Finally-

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Rose hissed, picking up the remote and unmuting it, filling the living room with the wretched, droning soundtrack once more.

“I rest my case,” John said smugly.

“What do you want from me?” Rose groused. “We’re both products of our strictly monogamous society…naturally there’s going to be some…cultural differences that are going to be hard to adjust to.”

Not that Vriska made it any easier, slinking out of Rose and Kanaya’s room in the mornings following her black dalliances, looking like the cat that caught the canary and shooting Rose more than one suggestive wink over the rim of her coffee mug.

“Is that what we’re doing?” John said, gesturing to the pair of them. “Dealing with it? Are we going to be chilling on our respective wedding nights, watching The Room while our wives go nuts on each other in the honeymoon suite?”

“Hopefully not,” Rose said with a small sigh.

“I’m kind of at a loss for what to do here,” John said, flopping back against the sofa. “I mean…I can’t exactly tell her to stop, right? The whole point of the whole spades thing is because trolls need different kinds of relationships.”

Rose nodded, grimacing as she remembered the long conversation she had with Kanaya on the subject. It pained her to think the woman she loved didn’t feel complete in their relationship and pained her even more to think that Vriska knew a part of Kanaya that she was never meant to know. It was hardly fair; on either of them.

“Not really fair,” John said, seemingly echoing Rose’s thoughts. “I guess it’s our fault for being humans so…programmed to only want one person for the rest of their lives.”

“If only we had alternative quadrants like they do,” Rose said with a small laugh. “Would save us some heartache in the long run…”

Rose stared at the screen for a long time, blinking fast until a hand stretched across the couch and gave her shoulder an awkward squeeze.

“This sucks,” John laughed humorlessly. “Could be worse…least you’re not the only one.”

Rose gave John a small, weak smile, reaching up and squeezing his fingers gently.

“Misery loves company, doesn’t it?” Rose said, helping herself to another Twizzler as John settled back against the couch.

“Worse comes to worse, we’ll invent our own quadrants,” John said with a snort. “Maybe they’ll buy it if we tell them that “friends with benefits” is a legitimate human quadrant and you can hook up with someone while our girlfriends are in the middle of hatedating.”

"John!"

"Relax, I'm joking," John said. "...but if they went for it then-"

Rose rolled her eyes, whacking John with the end of a Twizzler as she stared at the screen…but part of her mind had latched on to what John said and was chewing it over. As much as she loved Kanaya, there was something missing from her life every time she and Vriska went off on their own. Rose knew she couldn't give Kanaya all the things she wanted in her romantic life...but for the first time, she wondered if Kanaya could give her everything she needed as well.

Rose glanced across the couch at John, staring at the side of his head for a long moment before returning her attention to the screen in front of her.


	2. Pasta in Italy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rose Lalonde is teleported to Italy, talks to Jade Harley, and nearly chokes on her wine.

“You know when I asked if you had a moment to talk, I didn’t exactly expect all… _this_.”

Water lapped at the Venetian canal some fifty yards away from the posh café Rose and Jade were sitting at. When Rose texted Jade asking if she had a moment to talk, she had been confused when Jade simply told her to put a coat on; lucky that she did or she would have found herself in a public café in Italy in her tank top and panties. 

“You would think after two years back you would have learned to expect this kind of shit from me,” Jade snorted, long brown legs folded under a white sundress as Rose tugged her trenchcoat around her shoulders a little tighter. A large, broad brimmed sun hat kept the sun out of Jade's eyes and managed to keep her ears hidden from the people and trolls passing by on the street

“Next time, _warn me_ ,” Rose hissed through a forced smile as a waiter arrived with two plates of steaming pasta. Jade chirped out an awkward “graci” before immediately spearing three cheesy ravioli on a single fork and popping it in her mouth with a soft moan. “Hungry?”

“You don’t even fucking know,” Jade said through a mouth full of food. “Been up since six tracking some rare species of antelope across the park; Nepeta’s still in the thick of things and seeing as how I don’t want to eat water-buffalo jerky for the third night in a row-“

Jade stabbed another ravioli as Rose carefully took a bite of the lobster ravioli Jade had ordered for her. 

“I can see why,” Rose said, taking a sip of water as she watched Jade eat for a moment. “If I could teleport to Italy from Africa every night for dinner, I think I would.”

“Right?” Jade said. “I would do it more but the whole process weirds Nepeta out something fierce…maybe it’s a cat thing.”

“Maybe she doesn’t like being suddenly flung around the world without notice,” Rose said, tightening her trenchcoat belt as a sudden gust reminded her how underdressed she was. 

“You are literally the only person I know who complains about a free trip to Italy,” Jade said, rolling her eyes. 

“I think I’d enjoy it more if I wasn’t a coat-check away from being completely indecent,” Rose said, smiling at the waiter who arrived with a bottle of white wine. Rose looked at the label for a moment with a raised brow. “I take it this is on my brother’s card?”

“We have an understanding,” Jade said, taking a sip of the wine before nodding to the waiter who filled their glasses. “I cover all his airfare expenses and as payback, he covers all the food and hotel stuff.” 

“I suppose he can afford to, can’t he?” Rose said, taking a sip of the wine with a small smack of her lips. “If I had known our material wealth from the game would have transferred over after we won, I might have worked a little harder.”

“Why bother?” Jade asked. “Even after the boonbucks to dollar conversion rate, Dave’s still richer than most small fucking countries…some large ones too. He could do nothing but throw money in a fire for forty hours a week and still retire to a small island at fifty.”

“That sounds awful,” Rose said with a pitiful frown. “I should really help my brother dispense of so much burdensome wealth then.”

“He literally won’t notice,” Jade said, popping the last of her pasta in her mouth. “Anyway, enough chit-chat; you wanted to talk?”

Rose blinked, setting down her fork for a moment and taking a sip of wine. 

“Sorry; being teleported across the Atlantic in my underwear short circuited my brain for a moment,” Rose said, shaking her head. “Just needed to...get a human perspective on things.”

“Shoot, sister,” Jade said, crossing her legs and smoothing out her sundress. 

“I take it you and Nepeta are reinventing the phrase “getting on like cats and dogs?” Rose said, lip curling slightly. Jade closed her eyes for a long moment before looking back up at Rose’s small, self-satisfied smirk with an “are-you-fucking-kidding-me-Lalonde” look that gave her brother’s a run for its money. 

“Wow, you are the first fucking person to ever make that joke!” Jade said with a large, fake smile. “Congratulations; you and your dumb brother can spot irony at a third grade level now! Your parents must be sooooo proud!”

“As the only one of us college bound, I would hope my linguistic skills are up to snuff,” Rose said, raising her glass in a small toast. 

“Haha,” Jade said dryly, downing half her glass of wine in a single sip. “Why you want to know about Team Catdog?”

“Team…Catdog?”

“Dave’s nickname,” Jade said, reaching over and spearing one of Rose’s ravioli. “Answer the question.”

“Just…wanted to know you two are getting on,” Rose said, earning a long, curious glare from Jade. 

“Fine, fine,” Jade said with a small shrug. “She’s been ass-deep in Mozambique for the last couple of months, trying to figure out which critters transferred over when our worlds went all Reeses Peanut Butter cup. So far, she's discovered some weird alien hybrid of a coyote and a rattlesnake that looks like some mad scientists cooked them up in a lab somewhere...”

Rose nodded as Jade continued to explain Nepeta's work, taking a sip of her wine as she looked out over the Venetian crowds. A strange mishmash of trolls and humans milled about the ancient city, frescoes and statues all in tribute the Medici’s…who were remembered as a shrewd clan of violet blooded trolls by everyone in the world save for the players of SBURB. 

The game had ended and all sixteen Beta players had arrived on a strange, mashed up version of Earth where humans and trolls had evolved alongside one another from the beginning of the world. History was something of a mishmash (At least fifteen US Presidents and the entire Tudor(r) dynasty had been trolls) which made history classes both confusing and yet somehow more interesting. Almost every field of science had been completely upended, which made things like biology infinitely more interesting than it had been. 

“I understand that she and Eridan are… _involved_ ,” Rose said, earning another eyeroll from Jade at the mention of her girlfriend’s kismesis. 

“Don’t get me fucking started,” Jade said, shaking her head. “I fucking hate that guy and not in a “oh-em-gee let’s make out” kind of way. Hate him like I want to push him down a flight of fucking stairs every time I see him.”

“Keep talking that way and he’ll think you’re flirting with him,” Rose chuckled. 

“Believe me, we’ve had that chat,” Jade said, taking another ravioli as Rose just passed her plate over to the other side of the table. “He shot me down because he’s hatedating Nepeta so he’s a loyal asshole I guess...whatever. She’s happy…I think?”

“Confusing, isn’t it?” Rose said, earning a mute shrug from Jade. 

“You’re telling me,” Jade said, glancing at Rose as the waiter topped their glasses off. “Sooooo is it true Vriska and Kanaya-”

“Yes,” Rose said, smoothing her hands on her trenchcoat as she looked out over the canals. 

“Same house too,” Jade said with a low whistle, shaking her head. “Damn, least I can put four thousand miles between me and Dolphin-Dick whenever he comes poking around.”

“Never have I been more envious of Space players,” Rose muttered dryly, earning a small cluck of sympathy from Jade. 

“So you’re still not used to it all then,” Jade said, watching as Rose shook her head. “Yeahhhh first kismesis is always the toughest…don’t imagine John is managing better, is he?”

“We watch…a lot of late night television together,” Rose said with a small chuckle. 

“Ouch, and they’re only a few months into their thing too,” Jade said, wincing a little. “How often do they-“

“Let’s just say John and I are familiar with the late night listings on most Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays,” Rose groused, reaching back across the table and stabbing a ravioli. 

“So it’s safe to say your girlfriend is fucking her hatemate more than she’s fucking you right now,” Jade said, earning a small nod from Rose. “You know this is just the black, hateful honeymoon for them, right? You know how you get when it’s a new relationship and everything is exciting? It’s the same thing with blackrom; you would have thought Nepeta was attached to Eridan at the hip for the first few months of their relationship.”

Rose sighed, hand pressed against her head as she stared at the wine in the glass in front of her. She felt Jade’s hand squeeze her wrist from across the table and she looked up to see Jade giving her a small smile. 

“But you get over it,” Jade said with a shrug. “You’re fighting an uphill battle against eighteen years of society telling you that you are supposed to have one and only one girlfriend or boyfriend at a time. So when you run smack dab into a culture that blows our definition of romance out of the water, of course you’re going to be a little… _confuzzled_.”

“Is that a technical term?” Rose said with a small laugh. 

“It’s Nepeta’s word for it so it must be,” Jade chuckled, leaning back across the table to finish off Rose’s pasta. 

“I’ll get over it then?” Rose asked with a small laugh. “Why don’t you just tell me what you did and I’ll do exactly that then.”

Jade snorted, wiping her mouth of stray alfredo as she shook her head. 

“Trust me; you don’t want to do _exactly_ what I did to get over it,” Jade said. 

“Don’t be so sure; I think I’m willing to try anything at this point,” Rose said, raising her wine to her mouth. “What did you start doing that helped you through it?”

Jade finished chewing her pasta as Rose took a long sip of wine. 

“I started fucking your brother,” Jade said simply, getting up from the table and moving around to hit a suddenly choking Rose on the back a few times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The thick plottens...
> 
> Had to edit the tags on this one since I got the idea for Jade's chat only recently. All the new pairings are mentioned only from here on out and this is still mainly focusing on John/Rose, Rose/Kanaya, Vriska/Kanaya, John/Vriska, Might do a spinoff with Dave/Jade since I'm getting some good ideas for them but we'll play it by ear. 
> 
> As always, feedback is always appreciated! Trying to figure out this new world so any questions you have or anything that's unclear, please let me know!


	3. Diagrams and Tiramasu

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jade gets crafty, gives Rose an intro to trollmance, and dessert is ordered.

“Breathe, Rosie, breathe,”

The waiter was standing over her concerned but Rose waved him off as she finally stopped coughing, smoothing out her coat as Jade took her seat on the other side of the table. Rose smiled at the waiter who bowed and backed away, leaving Jade and Rose alone at their table once more.

“Are you going to finish this or can I have at it?” Jade said, pointing down at the plate of lobster ravioli as Rose stared blankly across the table at her. “…is that a yes or-“

“When?” Rose said quietly.

“Right now?” Jade said, tapping the plate. “I want to eat this now unless you want a doggie bag or-“

“No, when did you start-“

“Oh, fucking Dave,” Jade said with a nod. “Uhh…bout seven months ago.”

“ _Seven months_?!” Rose hissed. “And when in all that time did you plan on telling me?”

“We didn’t really have a chance,” Jade shrugged. “What was I supposed to say? “ _Hey Rose, Merry Christmas! Why did we take the jet instead of warping you ask? Well because the Mile High Club doesn’t offer membership for people trying to fuck mid warp and Dave’s bucket list included_ -“

“Point taken,” Rose said, holding a hand up to silence Jade. “So this was…what, back before Terezi and Nepeta broke up?”

“Little bit,” Jade said, squinting hard as if trying to remember something. “Yeah, must’ve been…Nepeta was over at Terezi’s for a weekend sometime in August so I decided to crash his place for a while just to get out of the house.”

“This was after he and Karkat went pale then?” Rose said, remembering the awkwardness of the not-breakup that Dave went through earlier in that year

“Pretty much,” Jade said. “I was just there to keep his mind off it and one thing led to another. Before we knew it we were-“

“I can imagine the rest,” Rose said, pinching the bridge of her nose. She couldn’t bring herself to look at Jade for several moments as her dog-eared friend started in on the ravioli. “I imagine this is something you don’t want to get back to Nepeta then…”

“I don’t care,” Jade shrugged. “Wouldn’t be telling her anything she didn’t know already.”

Rose blinked at Jade for a long moment, standing up and walking towards the edge of the canal. She looked into the water for a moment, taking a deep breath before turning back around and returning to her seat.

“I reiterate… _what_?!” Rose hissed. “You’re telling me your girlfriend knows that you’re sleeping with Dave?”

“Can’t imagine how she wouldn’t know,” Jade shrugged. “I told her pretty much the day it happened; think I shot her a text the next morning.”

“And…she was fine with it?!” Rose said.

“Totally,” Jade said, popping the last piece of pasta in her mouth. “She was the one who suggested it, actually…well, not Dave specifically but-“

“I’m sorry, are you telling me that your girlfriend intentionally tried to hook you up with someone else?” Rose asked, topping her glass off and nodding towards the empty bottle when the waiter passed by.

“It’s…hard to explain,” Jade said, opening the menu again. “We should get dessert while we’re waiting…tiramisu or chocolate cake?”

Jade looked up at a red faced and wide eyed Rose staring off into space silently.

“You seem like a chocolate cake kind of girl,” Jade said, ordering for them when the waiter returned with another bottle of wine. Rose looked back at the table to see that Jade was drawing something on a piece of notebook paper she pulled out of her purse.

“Okay…so trollmance,” Jade said, tapping the four quadrant diagram that she drew on the page. “Looks like a big complicated disaster but the one thing that you have to remember is that when it works, it works. Everyone gets exactly what they need if each of their quadrants is filled with someone who is not a murderous psycho clown.”

Rose nodded, taking another sip of wine as Jade scooted her chair over to sit next to Rose. She circled the quadrants marked with a spade and heart.

“Now, these two are the only things we as humans really think about as “romantic,” Jade said, making airquotes as she did. “When, in reality, they’re just the two which sex is involved in. And these are the only two that seem to give humans problems since we tend to get sex and love all mixed up.”

“You’ve given this some thought,” Rose said.

“Remember who my girlfriend is,” Jade said, waggling her pen as she took out another piece of paper. “Now…trollmance is a check and balance thing and each one is designed to give trolls something they need. Clubs make sure trolls don’t get carried away and really hurt each other, Diamonds are there for emotional support, Hearts offer sympathy in a pitiless society and Spades are for making sure the other person is strong enough to handle the shit that was Alternia.”

“Anyway, the whole thing is based around certainty,” Jade said as the waiter returned with their deserts. “When you’re with someone, you know you don’t have to do everything yourself. You know that through some combination of you and three other people that your quadrantmates are going to be safe and happy and well looked after since…well, trolls think that it’s impossible for only one person to do all of that for another.”

Rose blinked at the implications of this, glancing back at Jade as she slowly started processing what she was saying.

“Are you saying that…Nepeta wanted you to find someone else to what, make sure you were happy while she was…” Rose trailed off, coughing into her hand as Jade nodded.

“The whole quadrant system is set up so that they can satisfy their needs guilt free,” Jade said, taking a large forkful of tiramisu and popping it in her mouth. “They don’t really mind when their Matesprit is off with their Kismesis since they’re used to having a Kismesis of their own to deal with. And even if someone didn’t have one of their sexy time quadrants filled, they were still free to fill them at any point in their relationship.”

“Now here’s where things get funky,” Jade said, holding up the other piece of paper she took out earlier and crumpling it into a ball which she set down next to the neatly drawn diagram. “Now this little ball here is how human relationships look to a troll who is so used to everything being so clean cut and balanced out. Instead of filling one role in a human’s life, they’re now expected to fill all four roles and more. They’re supposed to be our only lover, supposed to care for us, and challenge us, _and_ keep us safe, _and_ push us out of our comfort zone, _and_ you see where I’m going with this.”

“I…never thought of it that way,” Rose said, biting her lip thoughtfully.

“Even if you don’t think you’re demanding, you are,” Jade said. “At least, from their point of view, anyway. First big fight me and Nepeta had was about this and ended with the little demo I just put on for you.”

Rose stared at the crumpled up piece of paper for a long moment.

“Do you think Kanaya feels the same way?” Rose said, frowning at the piece of paper crumpled up on the table.

“Don’t know,” Jade shrugged. “Not my girlfriend…she might though.”

“That’s helpful,” Rose snorted, taking a bite of her cake.

“Look at it this way,” Jade said, draining her glass of wine. “She loves you and she wants you to be happy, just like you love her and want her to be happy. Because you love her, you’re letting her get with Vriska who does things for her that you can’t do. I knew I couldn’t give Nepeta everything she wanted in one package and she can’t be the only thing in my life either. So we had to…compromise with something that’s not really covered by either of our romance styles.”

“You might have to do the same,” Jade said as Rose frowned thoughtfully.

“You’re saying my girlfriend may want me to sleep with someone else for the good of our relationship?” Rose said, blinking slowly.

“I’m saying she might,” Jade said. “And that’s all I can say, really. Last I checked, I’m not grey, fanged, or currently banging you and Vriska at the same time…well, not at the same time…but that might work for you. Float it past her; see what she thinks.”

“Now you’re recommending a threesome?” Rose snorted, taking a bite of her cake.

“Well, there was that one time that Nepeta wanted to get back at Eridan for Snapchatting her while he was fucking Aradia so she, Dave, and I-“

“Oh my god, I didn’t _ask_ ,” Rose said, placing her fork down and pushing her plate away from her as the image of her friends and her brother popped into her head. “Keep at that and I may never want to have sex with anyone ever again…”

And while that would solve Rose’s problem, it wasn’t exactly the most appealing solution…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Exposition ho!
> 
> Sorry we're taking some time to get to the naughty bits but I'm trying to build up the unconventional position Rose and John are in. Doing a little bit more of a slow burn for this one so thanks all for hanging with me so far!


	4. Armchair Negotiation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Troll Tommy Wiseau breathes fire, John and Vriska ruin Rose's chair, and Team Spiderbreath has a feelings jam.

“Oh my _gooooooood_ what even is this movie?!”

John snorted as Vriska groused in his lap, huddled under a thick down blanket in the dark as the television showed everything John ever wanted in a troll rendition of The Room.

“It’s _art_ ,” John said, hands wrapped around his girlfriend’s waist as they leaned back in one of the oversized chairs in the living room. “Pure art.”

“Then it’s like that weirdo impressionist art a wriggler could make,” Vriska said, sticking her tongue out at the screen. “I will _never_ , for the life of me, understand why it is you people willingly subject yourselves to shitty movies…”

“What do you mean “you people?” John laughed.

“ _Human_ people!” Vriska said, throwing her hands in the air. “You couldn’t get away with this shit back home; you would have been culled for this shit!"

“This _is_ back home,” John reminded her, earning a dissatisfied grumble from Vriska. “As much yours as it is mine, anyway.”

“Least you got to keep the geography,” Vriska muttered.

“You really want to go back to the world with the death sun beating down on you from all sides?” John snickered as Vriska opened her mouth and, for once, decided not to say anything, instead pelting the screen with popcorn as Jonnii raised the revolver to his head.

“Boooo,” Vriska hissed. “Is it oooooooover?”

“Well see this is where the old version ended,” John said, looking at the back of the box as the now undead Jonnii rose and started belching fire. “But apparently this is disc one of four so-“

“So we’re turning this off and never speaking of it again, right?” Vriska said, arching her head back and looking at John upside down. “Come oooooooon, John, I’m losing braincells every minute this woofbeastshit is on!”

“I’m sorry, who’s turn is it to pick the movies again?” John snickered, lightly rapping her on the forehead. “Oh yeah, that’s right; _not yours_."

"Joooooooohnnnnnnnn," Vriska whined, swatting his hand away. "Come oooooooon!"

"Did you hear me complain while we were watching _Pirates of the Caribbean V: The Search for The Orphaner’s Gold?_ ” John asked

“That’s _all_ I heard!” Vriska spat indignantly. “I could hardly hear the movie over your lips flapping away, making stupid jokes every eight seconds!”

“I’m sorry, what am I supposed to do when we’re watching someone in Seinfeld’s pirate blouse try and give an intimidating monologue?” John said, lightly smacking Vriska’s hip through the thick blanket. “Doesn’t change the fact this is Egbert’s Choice Night; up up.”

“Oh _hell_ no,” Vriska said, grabbing the arms of the chair and planting her feet firmly on the ground. “For the sake of my sanity, I am _not_ letting you put another fucking disk in.”

“You know I’m stronger than you, right?” John snickered, grabbing Vriska around the waist and trying to lift her up off his lap. “Like...a lot stronger than you.”

“You are _not_ stronger than my will to not watch this movie, I can tell you that right now,” Vriska said, digging her nails into the armchair and struggling to keep herself firmly planted in John’s lap. “Try me, Egbert; I will rip the fucking arms off this chair before you subject me to another four hours-“

“Five and a half hours,” John corrected, sliding his hands under Vriska’s armpits and lifting. “That’s not counting the director’s commentary which is a goldmine in and of itself _ffffuck what are you doing_?”

Vriska had stopped struggling against John’s grip, tilting her hips backwards and pressing her ass against his groin with a small wiggle that was anything but unintentional.

“I’m _boooooooored_ watching this movie, John,” Vriska drawled, shifting her hips from side to side as John’s hands drifted to the arms of the chair, clutching the fabric as the TV illuminated Vriska from the front. “You don’t want me to be boooooooored, do you?”

Vriska looked back, twisting her torso around to tease the DVD box out of John’s hand, pressing her ass back until she met resistance.

“Come oooooooon, John,” Vriska purred, shooting him a pouting look. “You don’t really care about this movie more than you care about _me_ , do you?”

“God…damnit…are you going to do this every time you want to win an argument?” John panted, watching the movie slip out of his fingers and sail over to the couch across the room.

“I don’t know what you mean, John,” Vriska said, leaning back and slowly sliding a hand up his stomach. “I just reeeeeeeeally want to spend some quality time with my matesprit; is that so wrong?”

John bit back a grumble, looking away as a throaty laugh escaped Vriska’s throat.

“You really want to spend tonight watching dumb movies?” Vriska asked, fingernails dragging down John’s stomach until they came to the waistband of his basketball shorts. “Because I can think of _soooooooo_ many more _interesting_ things that we could be doing right now…what do you say, hmmmmmmm?”

The one or two neurons of John’s brain that were still hung up on wanting to see how dragon-zombie Jonnii escaped Paladin Lisa were quickly ganged up on and beaten into submission by the rest of his brain that had been hijacked by Vriska’s ass.

Vriska’s hand slid over to the remote control, switching it back to the satellite. She flipped through channels idly, rocking her hips back and forth as John’s hips bucked against her, a familiar hardness pressing against her from behind.

“Want to head upstairs?” John panted, wrapping his arms around Vriska’s waist as she pressed back against him insistently.

“No,” Vriska said, continuing to channel surf. “Let’s stay here~”

“Rose and Kanaya are still up,” John said, glancing over to the light coming out of Rose’s room at the end of the hall.

“So what?” Vriska said, continuing her clockwise grind as she landed on some innocuous nature documentary. “We’re under the covers here; no one’s gonna walk in on us….would you really mind if they did though?”

Vriska leaned back, sliding her hands under the waistband of John’s pants until she found what she was looking for. She gave a few experimental tugs on his cock under his shorts as she sat up, allowing John to wriggle his shorts off his hips and onto the floor.

“I’ve been kinda missing this,” Vriska said, touching the tip of John’s prick with a low, hungry chuckle. Vriska’s hand slid underneath the waistband of her pool themed booty shorts, sliding them off her hips to join John’s shorts on the floor. “Been spending _wayyyyyyyy_ too much time getting third rate head from a rainbow drinker who constantly bitches about my choice of panties.”

“You’re not- _mmnh_ -wearing panties,” John panted as Vriska leaned back, slowly wiggling her hips around until she felt the tip of John press against her from behind.

“That’s what I- _mmph_!-mean,” Vriska said, squeaking a little as she sat all the way back, sliding down John’s length inch by inch until her bare bottom touched his bare hips. “Nice to be with someone who isn’t a fucking fashion snob between the sheets.”

“Please tell me you’re not hatelusting after her right now,” John grunted as Vriska slowly raised her hips, holding a few inches up his shaft before sinking back down. "Because that would kinda kill the boner I have going on right now."

He felt a small ripple as she squeezed around him which shocked him almost as much as the fact that Vriska didn’t have anything to say to the Kanaya comment. Vriska was quiet for a moment, fingers clenched on the blanket in her lap. Then before John could say anything, Vriska slid off him, standing up and turning around to face him with a strangely concentrated look on her face.

“Vriska, what are you-“ John trailed off as she slowly swung a knee up on either side of his hips, letting the blanket fall off her shoulders and to her waist as she slowly impaled herself again. Vriska slowly started moving her hips, hands resting on his shoulders as she looked down at him, yellow eyes staring into blue. She reached down and took one of his hands, slipping it under the hem of her tank top as John followed suit with the other, sliding up her slip torso and lightly squeezing her modest breasts beneath her shirt. Vriska let out a small sigh at his touch, arching her back and grinding his cock deeper inside her with every thrust.

“ _John_ …” She panted, lips between her sharp teeth as she rode him hard into the chair cushions, all but bouncing up and down in the living room as John turned around to see if Rose or Kanaya were coming down the hallway. Vriska grabbed either side of his face, turning him back around to look her in the eye as her breathing became shallower and laced with needy little moans that lit a fire in John’s stomach.

Before she could protest, John slipped her tank top off her shoulders, leaving her bare to the chilly night air as she self consciously wrapped her hands around her chest. He took her wrists, pulling them down as he sat up, letting her hands pull his own tank top off his body and toss it to the floor with the rest of their clothes.

Vriska’s nails dug into John’s shoulders as he leaned forward, sitting up and sliding his hands down to squeeze her ass under the blanket as she continued to bounce faster and faster. Despite the mid-December chill that swept through the whole house, both quickly found themselves sweating and breathing hard as they built towards their climax.

Vriska came first, as she always did, twitching around John’s cock as she buried a strangled moan in the crux of his neck. Her twitching, spasming orgasm was enough to push John over the edge as well, hilting himself deep inside her as he felt himself come deep inside her body, hands gripping her ass as he flopped back in the chair, taking her with him as he breathed hard, looking at the ceiling dimly lit by the TV as Vriska’s shallow, panting breaths slowly slowed down.

Her finger traced circles idly on his chest as he enjoyed the afterglow, the pair of them cramped on the chair as the documentary wound down in the background, stock music playing over the credits as Vriska turned the TV off, leaving them both lying naked in the empty living room with the only sounds being their soft, steady breaths.

Vriska was the first to break the silence, sitting up and straddling John in the dark as she pulled the blanket around them both.

“You’re not really a perfect matesprit,” Vriska said suddenly, arms wrapping around his waist as John looked down at her in confusion.

“Your pillow talk has gotten worse since you started dating Kanaya,” John chuckled, a little hurt by what she just said.

“I’m not lying,” Vriska said, shrugging against him. “You get all…clingy and upset about my kismesis even though it doesn’t have anything to do with us.”

“I never said-“

“Didn’t have to,” Vriska said. “I’m not stupid, John.”

“I never said you were,” John sighed. “Look, I-“

“I’m not done,” Vriska said, resting her head against his shoulder. “You’re not a great matesprit…and I’m not a perfect girlfriend. I get all...spade-eyed and hatehorny when I’m in new blackrom relationships…kinda forget anything else is happening in my life.”

“I never said you had to be a perfect girlfriend,” John said quietly.

“I never said you had to be a perfect matesprit,” Vriska chuckled softly. “But I’m flushed for you anyway…or love you. I don’t know…”

Vriska rolled over, lying with her back against his chest as she looked up at the ceiling.

“It’s like…everything is all mashed up between what used to be Earth and what used to be Alternia,” Vriska sighed. “And everyone knows how humans and trolls are supposed to fit together except us…gods of this new world and we can’t even figure out how to fuck each other without someone getting bent out of shape.”

John was quiet as Vriska laughed, shaking her head as she rolled back over, poking John’s cheek.

“This atmosphere is making me all sappy and philosophical,” Vriska said, sticking out her tongue. “I hate it; fuck you and this planet for making me feel shit I didn’t used to.”

“Is that why you fucked me then?” John snorted, earning a small smack on the shoulder from Vriska.

“What can I say; I’m a sucker for weird, stiff, human bulges,” Vriska said, lightly flicking the tip of John’s softening penis.

“Took you a while to get the hang of it,” John teased, squeezing her bottom.

“Took _you_ a while too,” Vriska shot back. “Alternian sex positions between guys and girls _are_ all built around the idea of a flexible bulge, you know.”

“Don’t remind me,” John said, wincing as he remembered some of the early positions they tried before it became obvious that he wasn’t going to bend that way. “I guess it’s the same thing with the whole…romance angle, huh?”

“Maybe,” Vriska shrugged. “I’m gonna keep doing what I do; can’t change that. Don’t really want to either…but your weird human relationship quadrant is weirding me out.”

“I didn’t come up with it; don’t look at me,” John said, running a hand through his hair. “So…what do we do?”

“Meet in the middle…somehow,” Vriska said, drumming her fingers on John’s chest. “You know if you wanted to…I don’t know…see someone else…you could.”

John’s snorted as he glanced down at Vriska who was looking up at him without any trace of humor.

“Are…you serious?” John asked, sitting up a bit.

“Fair is fair, right?” Vriska said, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear. “I know humans don’t do haterom but maybe…I don’t know…something else?”

“Helpful,” John snorted.

“Don’t look at me; I don’t know how this works!” Vriska grumbled. “We’re in uncharted seas, John; no one knows where the fuck they’re going but no one wants to sink either. And I can’t…handle being the only ship in your harbor.”

“Way to beat a nautical metaphor to death,” John snorted.

“I’m serious!” Vriska snapped, running her hand through her hair. “Like I want to be with you and watch stupid movies with you and fuck you on the sofa but…I can’t be everything you want me to be. And you can’t either. You can’t give me all the gross, slimy, acidic black romance shit; you’re not built for that!”

“So let me get this straight,” John said, rubbing his eyes under his glasses. “You…want me to hook up with someone else…to even things out between us?!”

“I want you to get what you need,” Vriska said, folding her arms across her stomach. “Between you and Kanaya I get what I need but you seem to be falling a little short which is starting to drag us down.”

“I’m a drag?” John said, raising an eyebrow.

“You know what I mean,” Vriska said, rolling her eyes. “I mean…I’m not a perfect girlfriend. Perfect girlfriends don’t sleep with other people. And perfect matesprits have kismesis and don’t get all twisty when their matesprits are blackroming someone else.”

John flopped back on the chair, glancing up at the ceiling as he felt the beginning of a headache coming on.

“Meet me halfway,” Vriska said, sitting up and leaning on the arm of the chair. “I can try and be a good girlfriend and not get totally sucked into the black hole of blackrom. I’m not going to talk about Kanaya or what we do or anything like that. But you gotta try and be a good matesprit too.”

“Which involves…me dating other people,” John said.

“Maaaaaaaaybe,” Vriska sighed, leaning in to press a fierce, hungry kiss to John’s lips before pulling back with a small smirk. “Only one way to find out though~”

“Are you actually trying to hook me up here?” John snorted, hands resting on her hips. “Because if you are, you might be in the running for Best Girlfriend Ever.”

“What are you talking about; I am the best girlfriend ever,” Vriska said, folding her arms across her chest. “All that shit before was just to make you feel better; I know I’m awesome~”

“You kinda are,” John said, leaning in and pressing a much softer kiss against Vriska’s lips. “Flushed for you~”

“Love you too,” Vriska snickered, shaking her head. “Ooooooookay…enough of that heavy shit for the night.”

Vriska leaned forward, wrapping her arms around John’s neck.

“Like you said…it’s Egbert’s Choice Night,” Vriska purred, wiggling her hips in his lap. “So what would Mr. Eggbert’s choice be?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW FINALLY SOMETHING TO JUSTIFY THE E RATING!!!
> 
> More talking so I figured I might throw some filth in there to keep things interesting~
> 
> In other news, thank you for all the support/comments. I've gotten more comments on this fic than I have on any of the others so that CLEARLY must mean that the HS fandom are better reviewers than The RWBY fandom, the Soul Eater Fandom, and the Fire Emblem fandom combined!


	5. Tea and Pillow Talk

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rose helps her girlfriend pack, makes a cup of tea, and opens a door that leads to a whole bunch of other doors opening up for her.

“We’ll be back sometime next week…I don’t think it will take much longer but our ex-friendleader is as unfortunately _verbose_ as ever.”

“Mmhmm.”

“…you know I’d invite you along but it’s something of a-“

“Troll thing," Rose said, sitting with her back pressed against the headboard of the poster bed she and Kanaya shared. Her laptop was balanced on crossed legs as Kanaya rifled through her closet, holding up various skirts, blouses and dresses as she tried to decide which to pack for her semi-annual trip out to Jade’s former island home. "I understand."

It had become something of a tradition for the eleven surviving Beta trolls (Gamzee had been missing since they returned which was both a relief and somewhat unsettling since no one knew exactly where or when he might show up again) to gather once a year under the pretense of “debriefing” as Karkat said. He claimed that, after everything that happened in the game, it would be in everyone’s best interests to keep in touch and see one another personally at least once a year to ensure the madness of this new mishmash planet didn't drive them totally (in Karkat's words) "grubfuck insane."

It was widely understood that Karkat’s excuse was complete bullshit. All his official bluster and pomp did little to cover the fact that he missed his friends for most of the year and wanted any excuse to get them all in the same place at the same time. Which was fine, because on some level every ex-Alternian troll needed each other as some kind of touch stone; a reminder of where they came from. Rose could only imagine how alienated they felt even among the trolls that had grown up on Earth; they didn’t quite “get it” as Vriska was fond of saying (when asked to clarify what “it” was Vriska was also fond of waving her hand in the air and saying “ _iiiiiiiit_ ” like that was any kind of clarification).

Kanaya always apologized for not inviting her and Rose had to assure her girlfriend/matesprit that it was perfectly normal to want to wax nostalgic with the last ten remnants of her birth culture. Even if their little “debriefing sessions” amounted to little more than camping on the beach, getting drunk on sugary soda, and bitching about Earth and human customs, it wasn’t bad to have a safe space to do that in. Rather than feel slighted, Rose usually used these excursions as a chance to catch up on her reading and writing while pretending the reality TV she had on in the background was only on for “background noise.”

So Rose fiddled with her laptop while Kanaya packed like she had never heard of the term “camping” before. Occasionally she would hold up a skirt or a blouse for Rose’s approval who would briefly glance away from her computer, nod or shake her head, before going back to the document she had erased and rewritten numerous times.

_[So I was having lunch with Jade and-]_

Rose deleted the line, staring at the screen for a moment before typing again.

_[So about you and me, I was thinking and we need to talk about-]_

Rose frowned, finger slamming down on the delete button. Her fingers hovered over the keys for a moment, staring over the top of Kanaya’s head as she rifled through her underwear drawer.

_[So Jade and I were talking and apparently we both need to have sex with Vriska to save our relationship and while I admit she lacks your buxom charms, she does have an ass like onion and I’d be lying if I said I wasn't mildly jealous of John for getting to frequently ride her like a rented Ferrari-]_

“Rose?”

Rose looked up from her screen to see Kanaya looking at her with a curious expression on her face.

“Ah, sorry,” Rose said, closing her laptop. “Just putting some…finishing touches on my final paper.”

“Wasn’t that due last week?” Kanaya said, raising an immaculately sculpted eyebrow.

“…our professor contracted cholera and postponed the assignment,” Rose said smoothly, dropping the laptop into her bag as Kanaya returned to her closet. Rose stared at Kanaya's back for a moment, biting the corner of her lip as she tried to figure out a good way to start this conversation. She didn’t really want to leave it until Kanaya got back because if she did she would spend the whole week dreading her return, seriously ruining her Kafka and Kardashian time.

“Did you hear that Jade and my brother are... _involved_ with one another?” Rose said in what she hoped sounded like a conversational tone, just a girl telling her girlfriend about some interesting piece of gossip she heard over lunch. Rose studied Kanaya’s back for a moment as her fingers lingered on a sundress in a thoughtful pause before moving on down the line as though nothing had happened.

“I heard something of the sort,” Kanaya said, back still turned to Rose as she weeded through her collection of swimsuits. “Nepeta is fond of keeping us all in the _who’s-dating-who_ loop…whether we ask her to or not. She’s remarkably…candid about that kind of thing.”

“A trait she shares with her girlfriend…matesprit…paramour,” Rose said, shaking her head softly. “Imagine getting the news that your brother is currently aggressively cuddling the woman across from you without any preamble...while eating.”

“If I had a brother I’m sure I would be properly shocked,” Kanaya said with a small chuckle that petered out into silence as the only sounds came from hangers sliding around on racks and John and Vriska watching some nature documentary in the living room. Rose was about to open her mouth to speak but Kanaya beat her to it.

“I’m…quite relieved actually,” Kanaya said, disappearing into the closet and rooting around with what she assumed was her shoe boxes. “For Nepeta’s sake I mean.”

“Is that right?” Rose said, swinging her legs up and sitting on the side of the bed.

“Yes, seems that Jade was having some early…difficulties with her and Terezi’s former relationship,” Kanaya said, voice muffled by the closet. “Bit of a culture shock, as I understand.”

“I suppose it can be,” Rose said, trying to sound as casual as she could. Kanaya returned with several pairs of sandals she dropped on top of her bulging suitcases. “Apparently that’s cleared up somewhat. They seem to have settled into some kind of...arrangement.”

“Yes…not exactly conventional by anyone’s standards but it works, more or less,” Kanaya said, sitting on the end of the bed, looking into her closet with a small sigh as Rose stared at her back. "I imagine you're not bringing it up just to make small talk."

"You know me well," Rose chuckled. "Sorry...I'm being terribly roundabout, aren't I?"

"Roundabout is better than...not-about I suppose," Kanaya said, running a hand through her hair. “How long has it been?”

“Four years; next twenty-sixth of October,” Rose said. “By Earth’s reckoning at least.”

“I suppose that’s the one that counts nowadays,” Kanaya chuckled weakly, plucking at an idle thread on the comforter. “Was it always this…confusing?”

Rose dropped down off the bed, walking around the front and sitting next to Kanaya, staring at the rows and rows of multicolored fabric in front of them.

“We had bigger issues back then,” Rose shrugged, resting back on her hands. “Surviving the game, _winning_ the game, alcoholism, psychotic clowns…didn’t really have time to sit down and contemplate the implications of interspecies romance.”

“And now that you _have_?” Kanaya said, turning to Rose. "Now that interspecies romance has its...challenges?"

“I’m not thinking of jumping ship, if that’s what you’re suggesting,” Rose said, shaking her head and turning back to Kanaya. “Are you?”

“Of course not,” Kanaya said with a small smile. “Whatever…difficulties we might have, it doesn’t change how I feel about you. You know that; right?”

Some part of Rose did even if it was a smaller, pettier part kept nagging at the back of her mind. After all they had been through together, the thought of losing her to Vriska of all people had been unthinkable to Rose and technically speaking, it still was. Former flushed crushing aside, it seemed that Kanaya was thoroughly incensed by the irreverent, irresponsible cerulean-blood enough to truly despise her. And even though the pair of them frequently slept with one another…it wasn’t as though there was anything approaching “love” going on there.

Some part of Rose knew all this...but it was still an immeasurable relief to hear Kanaya actually say it.

“Thank God; _someone_ has to have a stable relationship around here,” Rose chuckled, fingers wandering across the bed and coming to rest on Kanaya’s leg.

“With all the quadrant shuffling going on, I suppose we have to set a good example, don’t we?” Kanaya laughed, resting her hand on top of Rose’s.

“The pitfalls of responsibility,” Rose sighed dramatically, flopping down and her head down into Kanaya’s lap. “It’s enough to drive a woman mad.”

“We must bear our burden with dignity,” Kanaya said solemnly, fingers lightly threading through Rose’s hair. “Set a good example for others and all that.”

“God knows they need it,” Rose mumbled, earning a laugh from her partner as the two sat in amicable silence for a few minutes, listening to the sound of the nature documentary wrapping up in the other room.

“I don’t want you to be unhappy,” Kanaya said softly after a moment. Rose rolled on her back, back of her head pillowed on Kanaya’s lap as she looked up.

“I’m not,” Rose said, not completely lying. “But I…understand I can’t be your matesprit and moirail and kismesis at the same time.”

“I don’t think I would want you to be either,” Kanaya said, laying her hands on either side of Rose’s face. “I wouldn’t change you for the world…”

“But,” Rose said, finishing Kanaya’s sentence for her.

“ _But_ ,” Kanaya sighed. “I want you to be happy and if I’m not enough-“

“You are,” Rose said, leaning to the side and planting a kiss on Kanaya’s wrist. "You've always been."

"Not always,” Kanaya said. Rose opened her mouth to protest but Kanaya pressed a slender finger against her lips. “Not all the time. I’m just saying…if you needed to do what Jade does-“

“I’m not going to do _exactly_ what she does,” Rose said, lips curling into a smirk against Kanaya’s lips. “Do we need to revisit the definition of incest?”

“You know what I mean,” Kanaya said, shaking her head. “I mean if you want-“

Kanaya was silenced as Rose pressed a finger against her lips.

“Listen,” Rose said. “I only thing I know I want right now is right here, right now. I’m not exactly looking to dive into anything pseudo-romantic as part of some cosmic relationship balancing act that you seem to think needs to happen.”

“But-“Rose pressed harder against Kanaya’s lips with a small shooshing sound.

“ _But_...I hear what you're saying,” Rose said with a small nod. “If it’s on the table then it’s on the table. And I will keep you in the loop, alright?”

Kanaya said nothing, looking down at her girlfriend for a long moment. Finally she sighed, kissing the tip of Rose’s finger and nodding.

“Alright,” Kanaya said, letting Rose sit up and smooth her shirt out. “I just…I want you to be hap-“

Kanaya was once again cut off as Rose leaned in, cupping either side of her face and pressing a long, slow kiss against her lips.

“What would make me happy right now,” Rose said, pulling back and leaving a mildly blushing Kanaya sitting on the bed. “Is a cup of that mango-raspberry tea that's been rotting in the cabinet since summer.”

“I thought the only thing you wanted was here?” Kanaya said, raising an eyebrow as Rose made her way to the door.

“Kanaya, the moment you are capable of growing tea leaves out of your head, I am never leaving the room with you again,” Rose chuckled, shooting her girlfriend a small wink as she left for the kitchen.

 

* * *

 

Rose stared at the wall above the stove idly, tipping some boiling water into the orange and green mug on the counter and stirring in a half teaspoon of honey. If she was being honest, she was only half interested in a good cup of tea; the other half of her wanted a moment to herself, time to process what Kanaya had offered her…and if it was even something she was interested in.

John’s one off joke about sleeping with other people the week before had apparently more prophetic wisdom than she thought it would and Rose had to wonder which one of them was the Seer. The fact that she was given a go ahead from her girlfriend to pursue other relationships was something many people would have jumped at the chance to take.

Rose Lalonde was not many people; many people were not living goddesses hoping to get into Yale’s psychology program after high school. Many people would have used this as an excuse to fuck everyone from here to Alternia and back but Rose didn’t rightly know if she even wanted another girlfriend…or boyfriend...or _whatever_.

Rose took a thoughtful sip of tea, looking out the window as powdery snowflakes began falling from the sky. It was entirely possible that she was overthinking things as was her unfortunate habit. Kanaya had merely said that she had the option to seek other kinds of affection to balance out their relationship a little; she had hardly _insisted_ that she go out and fuck the next person she saw in the street. Rose had to wonder if this was something Kanaya was comfortable with...but the conversation had appeared to put Kanaya at ease if only slightly, so Rose felt she owed her partner the consideration she was asking for.

She would have to make time between episodes of _Alaskan Deep Sea Fisherman_ and pages of _The Silmarillion._

_**BANG** **!** _

As Rose set her cup on the counter, lost in thought as she stared out the window, there came a loud banging sound that caused her to jump a little. She glanced around to see if anyone else had heard it but soft music came from down the hall where Kanaya was finishing packing and John and Vriska’s chair in the living room was empty, blankets strewn about haphazardly. She paused for a moment, listening hard for any further sounds before she noticed a dim light coming from the hall at the other side of the house, the sound of rustling coming from the bathroom on the bottom floor.

Rose’s new house wasn’t as far away from civilization as her old one, but being so close to the woods meant that one or two times she had to fight off the odd raccoon or fox that had broken into their garage. There was a pair of needles in the office that shared a door with the bathroom so Rose crept quietly towards the door, pushing it open and stealing inside, making sure to shut the door behind her.

She wasn’t particularly worried as she popped open the clear wooden case above the dark mahogany desk, retrieving a silvery pair of needles and twirling them experimentally between her fingers. If there was some crazed drug fiend rooting through her cabinets for prescriptions, they were going to get more than they bargained for.

Rose considered the possibility that she was being cocky but then again, one didn’t fear much when one was possibly the most powerful magical entity on the planet and dated a chainsaw wielding vampire alien.

Rose heard the sound of water running as she gently opened the bathroom door, steam wafting out the tiny sliver she pushed it open. She readied herself for almost anything that could be behind the door; rabid foxes, lost raccoons, vagabonds hopped up on painkillers.

She thought she was prepared for anything but as her eyes fell upon the most acrobatic display of shower sex ever witnessed by humanity reflected in the mirror, Rose wondered if it might have been easier to deal with a stray raccoon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> talkingtalkingtalkingtalkingtalkingtalkingTALKING!
> 
> PHEW OKAY SO ALL THE EXPOSITION STUFF IS OVER. Thank you all for hanging with this fic for this long but I wanted to make it clear how this tango was gonna go down. If you showed up for quick JohnRose smut 1) I'm sorry, 2) #1 is a lie, 3) Welcome to my Polyshipping Hell. You can check out any time you like but you can never leave. Instead you're getting a longass JohnRose buildup with a longass payoff at the end. 
> 
> That said, after next episode, Rosemary and Spiderbreath are taking a backseat and it's gonna be JohnRose all the way down. I wanted to build it up over the course of the story so when we do get to the good stuff, it's not out of left field. 
> 
> As a sidenote, once this fic is done I was thinking of writing more stories in this universe kind of exploring how the God Tier Kids deal with life on New Earth and their relationships with one another. Probably gonna handle the Jade/Dave/Nepeta stuff next followed by my garbage Ot4 (maybe).
> 
> Next Chapter: Blonde Brainiac Becomes Bothered By Buff Boy Bonking Bendy Blue Bisexual Barebacked Between Brick Bathroom Barriers


	6. Bathroom Bangarang

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which everyone uses the bathroom but not for its intended purpose

When Rose returned to Altearthia after the game, pockets lined with freshly converted boonbucks and brimming with godly power, her first course of action was to buy herself a new house.

Well, her first course of action was to find a bucket to throw up in after the game dropped her into the new world because even God Tier doesn’t protect against motion sickness. But the second thing she did after finding out her old home didn’t exist anymore was to buy herself a new house in upstate New York, about an hour from Albany. Because the only way to deal with the trauma of a world destroying killer game was to start throwing money around in retail therapy that would have made Kanye West look frugal by comparison.

(At least she didn’t buy a skyscraper like her brother did but then again, all that money had to go _somewhere_.)

Rose spared no expense in its construction; granite floors, marble countertops, waterfall pool in the backyard, full sized library and office, professional quality kitchen, more guest rooms than she had close friends and nearly every modern convenience a person could ask for. One morning, Kanaya made an offhand comment about having to constantly wipe the bathroom mirror when she was applying makeup after showering and the next day, Rose had custom anti-fogging mirrors installed in all the bathrooms.

Which meant two things:

1) Kanaya never had to hassle with mirrors again while applying her makeup.

2) Rose now had a very clear view of John fucking Vriska in the shower next to her office.

The stone shower was open and faced the wide bathroom mirror which gave Rose an unobstructed view of the pair inside. Through the steam, she could make out John’s strikingly sturdy looking frame, black hair slicked back under the sweltering hot water beating down on his back from behind. His head was tilted back, eyes closed and soft, moaning sounds barely rising above the noise of the shower and the soft gulping noises that echoed on the bare tile. His hands rested on a head of black hair, fingers lightly rubbing Vriska’s horns as her head bobbed back and forth in a slow, steady rhythm. From her position, Rose could only see the top of Vriska’s head in the mirror but it didn’t take a genius to figure out what was going on.

Hand frozen on the doorknob in fear, Rose quickly looked away, feeling hot and flushed from more than just the wave of steam lapping at her face. She stared intently into the darkness of her office, slowly sliding her foot along the polished hardwood floor in an effort to just slide away from the scene before she died of embarrassment. But the floor creaked under her weight, echoing in the empty office. She froze again, looking back to see John’s eyes snap open suddenly in the mirror. 

“Did you hear something?” He asked Vriska as Rose heard a wet, slurping _pop_ over the sound of water. “Do you think someone heard you knock over that candle earlier?”

“Please,” Vriska’s voice came from the shower floor. “Rose’s got packing duty with her fussy matesprit; trust me when I say no one's coming out of that room for hoooooooours."

“They’ve already _been_ in there for _hoooooooours_ ,” John panted. “How long does it take to pack?”

“Are we talking normal people or Kanaya?"

“Point t-taken,” John sighed, head tilting back and staring at the ceiling as his breathing became more and more shallow.

“Besides,” Vriska’s voice said, punctuating the word with a wet kissing sound that made John bite his lip. “They’re probably spending some _quality time_ with each other before we take off tomorrow.”

“Yeah…quality time…quality time's goooooooooooood,” John mumbled, hands returning to the top of Vriska’s head as Rose frantically tried to figure out what to do. She couldn’t move or they would know she had seen them; the cracked door would be evidence enough of that. Her only hope was to stay frozen, back pressed against the doorframe until they decided to move...stay frozen and try desperately not to steal a glance over her shoulder. 

Which was harder than she thought it would be since the audio track alone was enough to turn Rose redder than her namesake. She fancied herself a woman of remarkable self control (teenage binge drinking notwithstanding) but the soft moaning, panting, and occasional slurping noises sorely tested Rose's drive to ignore the view behind her. 

In her defense, it was quite the view.

John was hardly a supermodel but it was clear that years of swinging an oversized hammer around had paid off. A pair of strong arms moved in time with Vriska’s head, broad shoulders rolling as water ran down his chest and stomach. She couldn’t see much else of him but from what she could see, she had to admit Vriska was luckier than she thought she was.

Rose was torn between looking at the pair in the shower and looking away, part of her ashamed at what she was doing and the other part wanting to commit as much as possible to memory. She found herself rubbing her thighs together unconsciously, fingers gripping the hemline of her pajamas as she struggled to keep her breathing as quiet as possible.

“Hang on,” John said, holding Vriska’s head between his hands. There was a small popping sound as John and Rose both let out a small moan.

“Don’t tell me you’re there already,” Vriska said, pulling herself to her feet. Rose tried not to look at the girl but a perverse desire to understand what Kanaya saw in her took over. Vriska’s pear shaped body was more bottom heavy than Rose thought it was with almost all her curves below her hips. A modest pair of perky breasts bounced as she stood up and almost disappeared as she pressed against John’s chest. Rose had to admit, as John pulled Vriska in for a kiss, that the girl had a plush rump that one could comfortably get lost in. 

“I thought this was your choice tonight,” Vriska purred, lightly biting John’s ear as his hands kneaded her thick bottom. “You got something better in mind?”

“Maybe,” John said, thoughtfully glancing up at the top of the shower. “Remember that time I bet you that you couldn’t put your legs on my shoulders?”

“I seem to remember that as The Week Where John Ate Humble Pie,” Vriska said, sticking her tongue out.

“Is that what we’re calling _this_ now,” John said, hand sliding between Vriska’s legs.

“Tease,” Vriska sighed, lightly rocking against his fingers. “What do you have in mind?”

“Something kinda like that,” John said, glancing up. “Can you grab the top of that shelf?”

Vriska looked behind her at a shelf carved into the rock about three feet above her head where Rose stored various bathroom supplies.

“Eeeeeeeeasy,” Vriska said, turning around and reaching for the shelf as she stuck her backside out, wiggling it teasingly in John’s face. There was a loud, wet smack as Vriska yelped, turning around and clutching her backside. “ _John_!”

“Facing me,” John clarified, waggling his eyebrows. Vriska pouted for a moment before her gesture turned into a defiant smirk. Her arms lazily stretched above her head, eyes locked with John as he stepped forward and Rose was treated to an unobstructed view of John from the waist down. She bit her lip to stop herself from letting out a whimper as Vriska’s hands gripped the shelf and John’s hands slid over Vriska’s wet chest.

“You gonna tell me how you want it?” Vriska said, biting her lip as John leaned down to kiss her neck. She sighed as john lifted and cupped her backside, her thick thighs wrapping around his waist as she pulled him into her. There was a small moan from the shower as Rose felt her shorts become oppressively hot and increasingly undesirable. She breathed hard through her nose as Vriska’s head lolled to the side, looking in the mirror with a curious expression. Rose froze as Vriska’s eyes apparently fell right on her in the reflection, squinting into the darkness of the open door. 

Did she see her?

John’s hips began to move and both women quickly found that to be the more interesting thing happening at the moment. Vriska’s head tilted backwards, wet black hair spilling down her back as John pulled her away from the wall a little. He hoisted her up and bounced her up and down hard in a steady rhythm as Vriska let out a small string of needy little gasps.

“Hey Vriiiiiiiiska?” John teased after a few moments, pulling back to look Vriska in the eyes as she hung onto the shelf for dear life.

“Wh-what?” Vriska panted, eyes half lidded as John’s face broke into a grin.

“Betcha you can’t put your legs on my shoulders~” John said, laughing at the look of shock that washed over Vriska’s face.

“What… _here_?” Vriska said, voicing Rose’s question and mirroring her look of shock. “Are you _kidding_ me?!”

“What are you scared I’ll drop you?” John asked. “Or...is The Queen of Flexibility not up for the _challenge_?”

Vriska’s eyes narrowed at John, lips scrunching in an amused pout as she unwrapped her legs from around John’s waist.

“You better get a good grip on my ass, Egbert,” Vriska said, gripping onto the shelf tightly as John supported her by her backside.

“Trust me, Vriska, your ass is the last thing I want to damage,” John snickered.

“Doesn’t stop you from smacking it whenever you get the chance,” Vriska muttered, looking down as if trying to figure out how to get her legs up.

“Don't lie; you looooooove it~” John said, rolling his shoulders as Vriska bit her lip, raising one leg up and extending it out. Eyes screwed up in concentration, she swung it sideways, gasping as John’s cock slid into her a little deeper before her right calf came to rest on John’s shoulder.

“One,” Vriska panted, letting out a soft moan as she raised the other leg, swinging it around and gently placing it on the other shoulder. “Two! Ha! Suck it Eg-“

Vriska’s taunt gave way to a soft moan as John lifted her up slowly, sliding his hips backwards with a small gasp before pushing forward again, hilting himself inside Vriska as she let out a breathy hiss between her teeth. Rose had to admit; the girl was twistier than a politician's pretzel. Her back ached as she watched Vriska rock slowly against John's hips but she doubted the gasps coming from her mouth were from discomfort...quite the opposite, actually. 

“Told you I was stronger than you,” John sing-songed, rocking his hips forward as Vriska did her best to help him out, arms tugging herself up and down as much as she could.

“Pleeeeeeeese,” Vriska drawled. “I’m doing half the work here; easy to hold a girl up who’s holding herself up half the-“

Vriska was cut off as John pressed her against the wall, fingers slackening a bit as John pressed a rough kiss on her. It was enough for Vriska’s fingers to slip off the shelf, falling forward and resting on John’s shoulders with a questioning glance.

“Hang oooooooon~” John said, stepping away from the wall as Vriska’s arms wrapped tightly around his neck.

“ _John_!” Vriska gasped, hanging on to John’s neck as he slowly stepped out of the shower. Rose now had a full, un-reflected view of both of them, slick from the bath and still joined at the hip. She watched as inch after inch of John’s cock slid out of Vriska before slamming back into her, supporting her by her backside as he started to pick up some speed.

“Who’s…doing the work…now?” John panted, stomach straining as Vriska struggled to keep herself balanced.

“Show off,” Vriska panted, grabbing his forearms slowly as she leaned backwards in his grip. Her hips gyrated as she leaned her head back towards the door, giving Rose a clear view of John pounding  into Vriska with reckless abandon. As her head fell backwards, her eyes fell open, looking at the crack in the door curiously as her chest began to flutter unconsciously. Rose glanced down and swore Vriska locked eyes with her, mouth falling open and a low, husky moan slipping from her lips. Before Rose could panic, Vriska's hips twitched, spasming around John’s cock as she slowly guided her legs to the ground. He buried himself deep inside her as Vriska gripped the bathmat, panting and moaning and _still_ looking right at Rose as she did so. 

“Finish on me,” Vriska panted, post orgasmic glow washing over her as she looked back at John. “Come on…”

John drove into her on the floor of the bathroom a few times, breathing becoming shallower and shallower as Rose watched, aching for a chance to relive the itch burning deep inside her. Then he slid back, out of Vriska and slid across her dripping folds a few times. He tensed up, cock twitching as he shot once, twice, three times on Vriska’s stomach and chest, sticky white drops mingling with the water running off her body and onto the floor.

Rose shuddered as John rolled off to the side, breathing hard. Vriska slowly stood up, legs shaking a bit as she gripped the edge of the counter for support.

“Ha…told you…I could…put em on your shoulders,” Vriska chuckled as John started laughing, pulling himself up slowly as Vriska toweled herself off. He stood behind her, pressing a kiss into her wet, soaking locks before smacking her on the backside and going to grab a towel of his own from the cabinet.

Rose stood stunned as Vriska ran the towel over her hair, shaking it out as she turned and casually glanced in Rose’s direction. She did nothing for a moment, staring at the crack in the door as she toweled herself off.

Then, just when Rose thought she was going to leave, she gave an unmistakable wink and turned, hips swinging as she followed John out of the main bathroom door, towel dropping to the ground beside her. Rose stared into the bathroom for a long moment before realizing she, like Vriska, was totally fucked. 

Just not in the way she wanted to be.

* * *

Rose waited until she heard John and Vriska's footsteps pass the study, pounding up the flights of stairs towards John's room until she could hear them no more. Her needles dropped to the ground as Rose’s hand grabbed the wall, breathing hard as she wondered if she wanted to satisfy herself then and there

She stepped into the bathroom, fingers curling around the towel Vriska used to dry herself off with. She tossed it in the hamper, glancing at the empty shower for a moment.It hardly seemed real and Rose didn't know what was hotter; the fact that she was watching her friends have sex or that some part of her wished she could trade places with Vriska. Rose felt a small gush of lust well up inside of her as she thought of being in Vriska's position, lifted in John's arms and fucked into a wet, sticky mess on the bathroom floor. Rose stared into the shower, wondering if she could grab the shelf like Vriska did and hold on to John 's hips for dear life. She wondered how it would feel, soaking wet with his thick cock between her teeth, slowly bobbing in and out as her fingers slowly fucked herself on the shower floor....

Rose couldn't take it any more. She shucked her shirt off and quickly stepped out of her pajama bottoms, catching a glimpse of her naked reflection in the mirror as she passed on her way to the shower. She didn't know how much water was left before it turned icy but Rose didn't really care. Part of her needed to feel the pounding water rolling off her body, cascading down as she satisfied herself to the memory of the scene she just witnessed. She turned on the water, sighing as steam filled the bathroom again, warming the rest of her body to a hot, ruddy flush just like her face. 

Rose slowly slid her hands down between her legs, letting out a small gasp as her fingers grazed the front of her already oversensitive clit. Biting her lip, Rose pressed her head against the cool rock of the shower wall, slowly working her fingers in a circle as part of her wondered who she envied more; John or Vriska.

There was no doubt Vriska was attractive; Rose let her imagination wander as she imagined the girl on her knees, putting that mouth of hers to good use for once in her life. Rose groaned, free hand squeezing lightly massaging her breast as she imagined Vriska's silver tongue making the wet, smacking, sucking noises she heard earlier against her instead of John...on the other hand...

Rose slowly lowered herself to the floor of the shower, knees splaying apart as they touched the smooth marble basin. She pressed the tips of her first two fingers against her lips, closing her eyes and taking them into her mouth. She felt a hot wave of embarrassment wash over her as she imagined them replaced by John's length as she pressed them into her mouth, tongue rolling over the bottom of them as her fingers slid inside of her. It became apparent to her as her hips twitched against her hand and how much it was arousing her to pretend to suck John off which of the two she was more envious of. Half an hour before, she didn't even know what she wanted to do with regards to other lovers...now she was envious of Vriska of all people, shamelessly suckling her own fingers as she knelt on the shower floor, so lost in her own fantasy that she didn't hear the door open behind her...

"Rose?"

Rose let out a small squeak as a knock on the door shook her out of her memory and looked up to see Kanaya curiously pushing the door open, dressed in a wine colored bathrobe with a towel under one arm.

"I heard the shower running but the door was open, are you o-" Kanaya stopped, hand on the doorway as she caught sight of her girlfriend kneeling on the floor of the shower, hot water dripping off her body and fingers buried inside of her. Kanaya stood there for a moment, blinking as she felt a rush of color tinge her cheeks as Rose tried to squeak out an explanation several times.

"Kanaya I-"

"Do you want some alone time?" Kanaya asked with a small smile. "Or...do you want me to join you?"

"...Kanaya," Rose said, slowly wobbling to her legs. "You remember the shotgun Jade insisted we take as a housewarming present?"

"For bears and such?" Kanaya said, reaching behind her and closing the door the bathroom, locking it securely behind her. "I think I remember something of the sort...why?"

"If I ever say no to that question, you'll know it's time to use it on me," Rose said, watching as Kanaya shucked the bathrobe and approached the shower with a small smile. Rose let out a small groan as she took in the sight of her naked girlfriend, eyes roaming over every curve and contour of Kanaya's figure.

"I'll make it quick and- _mmph_!" Kanaya was cut off as Rose all but launched herself into Kanaya's arms, pressing a hungry kiss against her girlfriend's mouth as she pulled Kanaya under the water. 

"Mmm someone's eager," Kanaya purred, leaning back as Rose's hands roamed over her body.

"Well..thought we should spend some..." Rose let out a small laugh as she kissed Kanaya's neck. "Quality time together before you go tomorrow."

"How thoughtful," Kanaya said, gently pressing the smaller girl against the wall of the shower. "I think before we do anything else, I need to take care of my poor neglected matesprit."

Rose was about to make a comment about how she was taking care of herself just fine before Kanaya shut up but whatever blithe, pithy remark she was about to make came out as a soft whimper as Kanaya pressed herself flush against Rose's body, slender fingers sliding down Rose's stomach as black lips pressed against her neck.

"Goodness," Kanaya chuckled, fingers brushing across Rose's clit and listening to the moan that came from Rose's mouth. "Feels like you've already started without me."

"Didn't want to interrupt your- _ah_!" Rose gasped as she felt the tips of Kanaya's teeth scrape across her neck and nearly felt her legs turn to jelly beneath her.

"Nonsense," Kanaya murmured, fingers slowly gliding across Rose's lips. "You're right; we need to spend some more quality time together~"

"Not complaining," Rose sighed, teeth biting her lip as Kanaya's fingers continued to work on her. "You...feeling peckish?"

Rose felt Kanaya's lips curl against her neck.

"Why don't you just admit that you like it when I bite?" Kanaya chuckled, tongue licking her lips as Rose leaned her head to one side, offering her neck with a small blush of embarrassment.

"I'm just...looking out for my girlfriend with an alternative diet, that's-" Rose's last word disappeared in a small gasp as Kanaya's fangs sunk into her shoulder smoothly. The familiar warm, draining sensation overcame Rose as her mouth froze, chest heaving in almost soundless gasps. Her hands scrambled at the tile as Kanaya's lips devoured every drop that flowed from Rose's skin.

The combination of Kanaya's fingers and teeth was always a death sentence for Rose's composure and as Kanaya's tongue slid across her neck, Rose's vision swam, legs shaking and chest heaving as her climax crashed into her like freight train, pinning her against the wall as Kanaya's free hand rubbed the back of her neck. She caught sight of herself in the mirror, eyes wide, face flushed, pressed against the wall and trembling as all the pent up stress and tension flowed out of her and disappeared down the drain.

Rose blinked as Kanaya slumped back, supporting herself against the wall as he girlfriend turned to casually start washing her hair...as if she didn't just turn Rose into a quivering pile with just her fingers.

"I hope Jade fixed the showers on the island," Kanaya said conversationally, lathering her hair up with her back turned to Rose. "I swear if I have to use one of those outdoor showers again I'll- _Rose_!"

Kanaya gasped as Rose slid up behind her, hand sliding down the front of her stomach and face pressed against Kanaya's back.

"I'm sorry, but we're not done yet~" Rose purred, fingers slipping past Kanaya's waistline. "I want _you_ to be happy too after all~"

Kanaya gasped, falling forward and pressing her head against the wall as Rose slowly sunk to her knees behind her.

"I don't know _what_ was in that tea you drank," Kanaya sighed, head tilting back as she felt Rose's tongue slide against her. "But someone is getting quite a lot of it for Christmas next year..."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Sex Yeah plays in the distance]
> 
> And with this part done, the Rosemary/Spiderbreath section of the story goes out with a bang (hachacha
> 
> Thanks everyone for the support so far! We're moving out of part one and into part two next time where Vriska gets revenge on Rose and Rose ventures to the Vriska Serket No Bullshit Zone!


	7. Vriska: Reveal Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rose can't shower in peace, Vriska invites Rose to the No-Bullshit Zone, and Dave Strider succeeds in being both incredibly Texan and freaking his sister out.

Rose Lalonde was a young woman who had three hard and fast personal rules for living;

1) Never trust anyone who likes the Insane Clown Posse.  
2) Never brew tea with fully boiling water (it burns the leaves and ruins the flavor).  
3) Never make any decisions while intoxicated, exhausted, or aroused.

The last one was something of a new rule for her as she discovered (throughout the course of the game) that people make bad decisions when their brains are ruled by something other than their higher consciences. Rose didn’t pretend to be above such forces herself (it wouldn’t be a personal rule for her if it wasn’t a problem for her in the past) but she always made it a point to put off anything major until she was thinking clearly again. If she was tipsy, she made sure to drink her weight in coffee before agreeing to anything foolish. If faced with a decision to be made at three in the morning, she made it a point to put it aside and crawl into bed so she could make her decision with a clearer mind.

And if she was aroused…well, there were ways of handling that too.

Vriska was getting ready upstairs while Kanaya was deciding which of her five packed bags she was going to take with her. John was spread out on the couch, catching up on a world where 90% of 80’s B-movies now starred trolls. Which meant that for the next thirty minutes, Rose had a little time to...clear her head.

Steam filled the bathroom as Rose shucked her bathrobe off, making sure to close the bathroom door behind her and lock it securely. The last thing she wanted was an audience walking in on her or some unwitting voyeur catching a peek of what she was doing in the bathroom next to the office. She fully realized the irony of insisting on privacy after she all but filmed her friends having sex in the very same shower but she could contemplate her own hypocrisy once she got her mind off John Egbert's lower extremities.

Despite her conscious mind trying its damndest to put the thought of the shower scene out of her head, her unconscious mind apparently latched onto the experience like a dog with a bone. Rose woke with the memory fresh in her waking mind, grumbling into her pillow as Kanaya bustled around the room, packing a few stray items in a duffel bag. Not wanting to pounce on Kanaya like a horny schoolgirl twice in twenty-four hours, she settled for giving her bustling girlfriend a kiss on the cheek before traipsing down the stairs for breakfast.

She had barely looked at John and Vriska eating cereal on the couch as she came downstairs, nodding with a small, slightly strained smile as Vriska gave an uncharacteristicly cheery good-morning and an obvious wink that sent a chill down her spine. Rose excused herself as soon as her tea was poured, scurrying off to hide in her office, and breathing hard as she glared at her laptop screen.

Vriska _knew_.

There was no doubting it now; at least _one_ of them knew that Rose had not only seen them last night but had stuck around to watch them finish their business. John had the poker face of a puritanical paladin so if he had any inkling that he had been spied on the night before, it would have been written all over his face. So for some unfathomable reason, Vriska _knew_ but chose not to let John in on the secret which meant either a) she was being cool about it all or b) she was saving that particular pipebomb for a situation where it would do more damage.

Unfortunately for Rose, B was the far more likely choice. Vriska may have cooled her heels somewhat since ending the game but she was still a cunning little bitch who knew how to get exactly what she wanted. Rose almost respected that attitude when she wasn’t on the receiving end of it. Now that she was, she wondered if this was how a fly felt; paralyzed in a spider’s web and waiting for it to come back and eat her.

Rose shook her head, knocking any arachnid thoughts from her mind as she picked up a slender box from the counter, taking the top off and running her fingers over the silicone contents with a small shudder. She pressed a button on the side and the lime green toy thrummed with power as Rose rubbed her thighs together in anticipation. She wasn’t about to go through the rest of the morning, addled by lust and fear and while she couldn’t exactly get a handle on one of them (Vriska was going to toy with her as long as she could) she could definitely tackle the more _pressing_ of the two issues.

Fingers lightly gliding along the bumpy toy, Rose carefully took it from its case. Flicking the vibration on once or twice to get a feel for it, she glanced at her flushed reflection in the mirror with a guilty shrug.

If she had already seen everything…why not use it for a little inspiration? With a little luck, she could take care of her little problem and no one would be the wiser.

Reaching under the sink, Rose uncapped a bottle of clear, slick lubricant, dabbing a healthy amount on the tip of the toy and slowly sliding her fingers up and down the shaft to ensure that every inch was covered. It was something of a guilty pleasure for her and one she never shared with Kanaya but when she was alone like this, Rose often took some time to indulge in some...unconventional means of relieving herself. And given the fact that she was currently incapable of getting the image of John naked and thrusting into Vriska out of her mind, an unconventional solution was required.

Rose stepped under the scalding spray, fingertip coated in lubricant down to her second knuckle as she took a deep, shuddering breath. Leaning forward, she pressed her head against the cool wall of the shower, legs spreading and hips popping backwards as her finger slowly made its way to her bottom, cheeks spreading a little as she slowly worked her slick finger inside her ass. She took a deep breath, forcing herself to let go of the stress and tension long enough to slowly slip her finger inside, grunting a little as slipped further and further inside herself. She gave a deep, shuddering sigh as she slowly worked her finger in and out a few times, ensuring that she was well relaxed and warmed up before flicking on the vibrator, biting her lip as she slowly inserted the slim toy into her bottom.

Her thighs were soon slick with more than water as she struggled to keep her voice down. With any luck, she could scratch her particular little itch and no one would be any wiser.

Unfortunately for Rose, she lived in a house with someone who made a name for herself stealing all the luck she could.

All of it.

 

* * *

 

Vriska Serket had been called a lot of things in her life.

Spiderbitch, Piratebitch, Thiefbitch, Bl8h Bl8h Huge Bitch; all mostly following the same bitchy theme. And while she had to admit she had done her fair share of…morally dubious things in the past, she never did anything just to be an awful bitch as though she got off on being awful.

No, Vriska’s brand of bitchiness was always derived from self-interest, enlightened or otherwise. If she was going to screw someone over, it was going to be for a good reason or at least one that paid off in some way down the road. She was always the one to make the best out of someone else’s bad situation and when an opportunity presented itself, she never let it go unexploited.

So while most people would have been mortified to have someone else spy on them having sex, Vriska chose to see it as an opportunity to get something she wanted.

She caught sight of Rose entering the bathroom, box tucked under one arm and avoiding her gaze and the wheels in her head began turning. She glanced into the living room to see John still engrossed in his terrible action movie marathon and slowly began to formulate a plan.

Vriska heard the door lock and the shower turn on as she reached up above the door, fishing the spare key to the bathroom out from on top of the door frame and twirling it between her fingers with a small smirk. If all went according to plan, she might get revenge on Rose and help kickstart one of her side projects sooner than expected.

Always keep the irons in the fire; that was Vriska's motto.

Waiting until she heard Rose’s bare feet slap against the stone of the shower floor, Vriska slowly slid the key into the slot, turning it ever so slowly until she heard a telltale click. With a small, thoughtful smirk, she quietly tiptoed upstairs to the bathroom on the second floor, across from the bedroom she shared with John.

Locking the door behind her, Vriska sat on the toilet, fishing her phone out from her pocket as she carefully considered her next move…

 

* * *

 

AG: Joooooooohn! 

EB: whaaaaaaaat?!

AG: I forgot to get a towel 8efore getting in the shower ::::(

EB: seriously?!

AG: no, i'm playing the lamest joke in existence on you right now

AG: yeeeeeees seriously! 

AG: can you just gra8 one from the hall closet please??

AG: I can make it worth your while >::::)

EB: oh really?

AG: yessssssss really now get your 8utt over here!

EB: fine fine which bathroom. 

AG: figure it out john

AG: which bathroom has the water running right now?

EB: oh

EB: OH

EB: returning to the scene of the crime, eh?

AG: I have nooooooo idea what you mean, John

AG: >;;;;)

* * *

 

Suddenly the exploits of troll Steven Seggal were not nearly as interesting as they had been the moment before.

John hopped up from the couch, jogging across the living room and leaping the step up into the dining area as he turned to head down the hallway. He did a quick glance around the bottom floor, making sure no one would accidentally see him sneaking into the bathroom before opening the hall closet and snagging a towel from inside. Wrapping it around his neck, he pressed his back against the door, grabbed the doorknob and swung it open.

“Someone order a towel serviiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii-“ John trailed off into an endless, strangled warble that was swallowed up by the noise of the shower and the soft hum of a green silicon marital aide in the hands of someone who was very clearly _not_ his girlfriend.

For a split second after the door opened, Rose seemed to be too lost in her own little world to register that she wasn’t alone. For a split second her eyes were closed, back pressed against the slick shower wall and her fingers continued their work, clutching the toy and massaging her clit in tandem. For a split second, John got a full glimpse of Rose Lalonde, head tilted back, lips caught between her teeth, breath coming out in short, needy little gasps and, above all, fully and gloriously _naked_ as she bucked back and forth between her teasing fingers and a pulsing green dildo.

For a split second after the door opened, Rose seemed to be too lost in her own world to register that she wasn’t alone…then she opened her eyes to see John standing in the door, weakly clutching a fluffy white towel, shock and embarrassment written all over his face which no doubt mirrored her own rapidly mortified expression.

The pair of them stood there, staring at each other like gaping morons for another second that hung frozen in the air between them before crashing to the ground as time seemed to catch up to them.

“ _John_!” Rose hissed, arms covering herself dropping to the floor of the shower, face crimson as John flung his arm over his eyes, towel dropping to the ground in the process.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t see anything!” John said, standing in the open door with his hands over his face.

“What do you _mean_ you didn’t see anything; you stared at me for- _John shut the door_!”

“What? Oh…right.”

 _Click_.

The door slammed shut and Rose blinked, closing her eyes and sighing deeply as her toy buzzed lifelessly on the floor beside her.

“John…” Rose said softly.

“Y-yeah?” John asked.

“I meant with _you on the other side_!”

“Shit, sorry, panicked!” John said, turning around and feeling around for the doorknob.

“What are you even doing here?!” Rose squeaked, reaching over from her hiding spot with her leg to try and silence her toy.

“Hey, what are _you_ doing not being Vriska?!” John said

“John if this is some kind of prank, I swear to Kanaya I am going to-“

“Prank?! I’m the one who came in here looking for his girlfriend and instead got an eyeful of-“

“Didn’t you say you didn’t see any-“ Rose cut herself short, frowning. “What do you mean you expected your girlfriend?”

“Vriska asked for a fucking towel; you think I just go barging into everyone’s showers like some kind of perverted laundry delivery boy?!” John said, reaching out and missing the knob by a scant few inches.

“That…bitch,” Rose seethed under her breath.

“Scuse me?” John said.

“To your left, I said,” Rose said as John’s hand secured itself on the doorknob and flung open, disappearing with a slam and a puff of steam, leaving Rose crouching on the bathroom floor, knees tucked up to her chin and face buried in her hands.

“R-Rose?” John’s voice came from the other side of the door.

“Yes?” Rose sighed, standing up and turning off the shower.

“Is this a bad time to ask for that towel back?”

Rose rolled her eyes, bending down to pick up the discarded towel. Glaring down at it for a split second, Rose turned around and bent over to pick up her own robe.

“You can come in and get it in-“ Rose’s eyes flew open as the door clicked open again, whipping around to see John’s hand sticking through expectantly.

“I need to install bolts on these bloody things,” Rose groused, slipping her robe on and walking the towel over and putting it in John’s grasping hand. He tugged forward faster than she expected, no doubt wanting to get out of the doorway as fast as he could. Unfortunately, the force pulled her forward a little faster than she expected and she let out a small cry as her foot slipped on a wet patch on the floor, tumbling forward and crashing into-

“Whoops!”

A light blue tank top.

Rose blinked as John appeared to have felt her falling and moved back through the doorway to catch her before she hit her head on something.

“Why is every bathroom in this house made of stone?” John chuckled nervously, righting Rose on her feet again as her fingers still clung to the fabric of his shirt. "Someone's gonna break their necks on all this aesthetic..."

They stood there for a long moment, blinking at each other with identically confused expressions. Both seemed half torn between breaking away and remaining attached, Rose’s hands on the front of his shirt, John’s hands on her stomach and back where he caught her.

Neither of them moved for a moment before the sound of the shower draining of the last of the remaining liquid with a loud slurp shook them out of their haze.

“Thanks,” They said at the same time. “For the-“

“Towel,” John chuckled, scratching the back of his reddening neck.

“Catch,” Rose said, turning and slamming the door shut as soon as she was able. She buried her head in her hands, sliding down the door until she rested on the bathroom floor, taking long, slow breaths as she tried to reign in her fluttering heart.

The shadow cast from outside showed John lingering on the threshold for a few seconds, twice almost turning to go and twice deciding to stay before he ran off, footsteps thundering on the stairs leading up to his room.

Rose Lalonde was usually not one to make decisions while devastatingly aroused and since John’s little entrance had interrupted Rose before she could satisfy herself, she was still _very_ much on edge. Despite this altered state of mind, Rose decided then and there she was going to eviscerate Vriska the next time she saw that spider bitch.

* * *

 

Vriska heard the door slam downstairs as she turned on the shower in the bathroom upstairs, sticking her head under the spray and shaking her long black locks out until it looked like she had been in the bath for the last half hour. When the sound of charging footsteps came up the steps, Vriska opened the door to the bathroom, stepping out and twirling her hair as she enjoyed the flustered look on John’s face.

“Gooooooood, took you long enough,” Vriska snorted, shaking her hair out as she snatched the towel from his hands. “Where’ve you been?”

“I was-“ John stopped, pointing at the open bathroom door, then Vriska, then the stairwell behind him. “Wait…were you showering up here?”

“Uh, duhhhhhhhh?” Vriska drawled, looking at John like his nose turned into a lobster. “Was the _one_ clue I gave you not enough, John? You want me to leave a trail of Reeses Pieces and my clothing next time you need directions to where I am?”

“I just…” John blinked, looking in the bathroom and back at Vriska. “You were showering up here?”

“No, John, I just wet my hair under the showerhead to make you _think_ I was taking a shower,” Vriska said, rolling her eyes. “Thanks a loooooooot; I had to drip dry waiting for my towel you jerk~”

“I…I thought that-“ John looked as though he wanted to say something but shook his head. “I…gotta get some air.”

With a halfhearted wave, Vriska watched John disappear down the stairs, passing a wet haired and livid looking Rose on her way up. The pair immediately moved to either side of the stairwell as they passed, poignantly avoiding each other’s gaze as their cheeks flushed a little redder.

Though judging by Rose’s expression, it was probably more from anger than it was from embarrassment.

“Mornin’ Rose,” Vriska said casually, turning to head into her bedroom and waving at Rose to follow. “Step into my office; I sense there’s something you want to say to me.”

* * *

 

“Just…why?”

Rose sat in an armchair in the corner while Vriska haphazardly stuffed her duffel bag with clothes, underwear, bottles of Faygo, and a beat up game of Twister. Rose could feel Kanaya’s skin prickling by proxy as Vriska shoved a pillow into the bag on top of her shirts, smooshing them and wrinkling them beyond usability. Moments like these, Rose thought she could understand why Kanaya hated Vriska so much; the pair couldn’t be more opposed to one another if they tried (and God they did try).

Vriska seemed to be ignoring Rose for the most part, letting the blonde seethe for a few minutes until she decided to speak up.

“Why _what_?” Vriska said, turning around and feigning confusion. “Or is this one of your metaphorical questions like “ _Why is there suffering in the world?_ ” or “ _Why does sugary, shitty soda make trolls drunk more than liquor does?_ ”

“You know _why_ ,” Rose said icily, arms crossed and glaring steely glares at Vriska’s back as she added yet another pair of jeans to her groaning duffel bag. “Why did you tell John you were in the bathroom downstairs?”

“Uhhhhhhhh, I didn’t,” Vriska said, tossing Rose her phone before she could call her on it. “Read it; I told John to get in the bathroom that had the shower going…should probably be asking you why you shower with the door unlocked. You like being watched almost as much as you like watching, hm?”

Vriska turned around and suppressed a laugh as Rose’s glare was tinged with a mortified blush. Rose scowled into the space above Vriska’s head as though a smart comeback would appear from on high and deliver unto Rose the means to roast Vriska like a pig at a luau.

After a few moments, she realized the other God of Comebacks wasn’t in a place to help her out as he was likely sleeping in his penthouse, drawing his terrible comics, or recording his inane music at this hour.

“Not eeeeeeeeven gonna deny it?” Vriska said with a low whistle. “You got some perverted kind of lasspluck, Lalonde…”

“You know and I know and I _know_ that you know I know,” Rose said, earning a puzzled look from Vriska. “So let’s not beat around the bush-“

“Is that what you were doing in the shower just now?” Vriska snorted. “Beating around the-“

“Why?” Rose repeated, urge to pulverize Vriska mounting. “Just…tell me why.”

“Maybe I just felt like it?” Vriska said earning a derisive laugh from Rose. “Something funny, Ms. Voyeur?”

“You can’t say good morning without lying in at least half a dozen ways,” Rose said coolly. “You can’t so much as buy a bagel without some kind of ulterior motive. You may be a great deal of things, Vriska, but random is not one of them.”

“Maybe I wanted to get back at you for snooping on me last night,” Vriska said, raising an eyebrow. “Eye for an eye and a peepshow for a peepshow, hm?”

“If you wanted to humiliate me, you would have said something to John or exposed me last night when you could have caught me in the act,” Rose countered.

“Yeeeeeeeeah, I was kinda busy last night to worry about that,” Vriska said, stretching lazily. “Me and John were…well, you know what we were doing, right?”

“Be that as it may, I don’t think you would have blown your shot at vengeance on a two bit shower prank that Gamzee high on spoor slime could have managed,” Rose continued.

“When did you mistakenly think you became an expert on me?” Vriska asked.

"You embarrassed John more than you embarrassed me,” Rose pressed on, crossing her legs and leaning back in the chair. “So revenge couldn’t have been your motive…so, what? What is it?”

“You tell me Ms. Know-It-All,” Vriska said, plucking a shirt out of her closet. “Why oh why would I send my human boyfriend barging into a shower where another woman was fucking herself while whimpering his name?”

“ _I wasn’t whimpering his_ -“

“What kind of normal human girlfriend would do something like that?” Vriska said, tapping her chin and looking at the ceiling. “Hmmmmmmmm…I don’t know. What kind of normal human girlfriend has a nemesis she also fucks on a regular basis? What kind of normal human girl…oh…oh _wait_! I’m not a normal human girlfriend!”

“I never said you were,” Rose said.

“Sure are thinking that way,” Vriska said, sniffing a shirt on her rack before tossing it in the bag. “Applying your human headshrinky Sherlocky bullshit to a non-human whose head you couldn't shrink if you had a jar full of pickling juice. Sounds like someone is being an anthropocentric bag of diiiiiiiicks.”

“Wow, five syllable word,” Rose said, clapping lightly. “Word of the day calendar?”

“Video game,” Vriska shrugged.

“Should have known,” Rose sighed as Vriska sat on her bag, trying to compact it as much as possible. After zipping the bulging bag shut (blowing off one of the side zippers in the process) Vriska dusted her hands off and turned to face Rose.

“Tell you what, Rosie,” Vriska said, sitting on the bed across from Rose. “I’m feeling…generous today. I’m gonna give you a five minute pass to the Vriska Serket No-Bullshit Zone which is five minutes more than anyone not named John or Kanaya get so you better be appreciative as fuck right now.”

“I’m composing the thank you note in my head already,” Rose said flatly. “Why did you-“

“Uh uh uh,” Vriska said, holding a finger up. “I didn’t give you a Talking Pass to the No-Bullshit Zone so if you want answers get really comfy not saying anything for once in your life.”

“That was almost caliginous, Vriska,” Rose said with a small smirk. “Don’t worry; I won’t tell Kanaya.”

“Cute,” Vriska said, rolling her eyes. “You want to listen to me or do you want to get the fuck out of my room?”

Rose responded by folding her hands in her lap, sitting upright and leaning forward in an exaggerated display of attentiveness.

“Aaaaaaaanyway,” Vriska said, blowing out a breath and picking a thread out of the throw blanket she was sitting on. “I know Kanaya gave you the Exploratory Pass like I gave John-“

“The what?” Rose asked.

“You had “the talk” with her last night, right?” Vriska said, brows furrowing.

"The _talk?"_ Rose said, raising an eyebrow.

“She _better_ have said something to you," Vriska growled, rolling her eyes in frustration. "Because we fucking agreed we would-“

“We _talked_ ,” Rose said, holding her hands up. “The “I love you and want you to be happy and if you need to have some of your needs filled elsewhere then-“

“That one,” Vriska said, cutting Rose off. “Good…put that shit off for too long…look, I know you hate me and stuff-“

“I don’t hate you,” Rose responded, earning a raised brow from Vriska.

“No-Bullshit Zone extends to you too,” Vriska said, making a circular motion with her hands.

“I’m not lying,” Rose said with a small shrug. “We’re not friendly but you haven’t screwed us over in two years-“

“Two years, six months,” Vriska said proudly. “Six more months until I get my Asshole’s Anonymous gold coin.”

“-and John seems to be very happy with your relationship,” Rose said, ignoring Vriska as she pressed on. “And as long as you keep that track record of not screwing John over, we’re going to get along fine.”

“Awwwwwwww, stop it; you’re gonna make me cry,” Vriska said, sniffling and wiping away an imaginary tear.

“Use your _towel_ to blow your nose then,” Rose said sharply. “Back on topic; the…what did you call it?”

“Exploratory Pass,” Vriska said, fingers curling into air quotes. “I wanted to call it “Ass Pass” but apparently that has different meaning nowadays. I mean, technically, that’s covered in the Exploratory-“

“Is there a point somewhere in here?” Rose said, tapping her foot against the chair.

“The _point_ is that while I gave John the go-ahead to seek out other partners, naturally I’ve got a…let’s call it a “short list.”

“Do I even want to know what that means?” Rose asked.

“It means that I’d like to keep this little arrangement completely...in house,” Vriska said, smoothing the comforter out with her hands.

"In house?" Rose echoed. "This house or-"

"Just...our little circle," Vriska sighed. “Look, no one else on this stupid fucking planet but the sixteen of us remember the whole quadrant thing because we were the only ones who were raised with it. Who else but us is going to understand that John and I are together but I’m with Kanaya in a different way? Fuck, _you_ barely get it and you’ve been around it for six years!”

“Fair point,” Rose nodded, chewing her lip thoughtfully. “Wait…does that mean I’m on the shortlist?”

“Oh don’t act surprised,” Vriska said. “You two are close, live under the same roof, both have girlfriends who are involved with each other-“

“Thank you for reminding me of that,” Rose said.

“-both are kinda babies when it comes to blackrom,” Vriska continued, ignoring Rose’s indignant snort. “And, while we’re still in the No-Bullshit Zone…I…I don’t exactly…hate you either.”

“Oh dear, someone pass me the tissues,” Rose said sniffling loudly.

“Okay, starting to,” Vriska said, narrowing her eyes at Rose. “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t know…and both are better than slutty baristas who laughs too loudly when he orders a “Pun-kin Spice Latte.”

“Who are you talking ab-" Rose blinked in realization. "Karen from Brew-Ha-Ha?"

“Karen from _motherfucking_ Brew-Ha-Ha,” Vriska said, teeth baring just a little. “Look, John can do what-and who-he wants in the course of this… _thing_ we’re doing but I will be dead and gutted before I let that bean grinding _whore_ into our bed.”

“So you admit it; you did engineer that scenario downstairs,” Rose said, folding her arms smugly.

“Alright, I did it,” Vriska shrugged. “Alright, I admit it…so pick your next move; either leave or get with it.”

“I can’t _believe_ you’re offering John to me trussed up on a silver platter,” Rose said, shaking her head.

“Whoa, hey, I never said anything about getting _trussed up_ ,” Vriska said, holding her hands up. “Whatever you two get up to in the bedroom, I don’t want to fucking hear about it. I’m just saying; you now know what each other looks like naked. Do with that information what you will.”

Rose’s cheeks reddened, biting her lip as she remembered the sight of John standing in the doorway, face flush and eyes wide as he caught her in the middle of pleasuring herself in the shower. She thought of that moment in the bathroom, all the late nights they spent watching bad movies and listening to each other bitch about trollmance.

She could do a hell of a lot worse…if this was still something she wanted to do.

“Alright, good talk,” Vriska said, making a motion like she was ripping something in half in front of her. “Thank you for visiting Vriska Serket’s No-Bullshit Zone. Please keep your hands and arms inside the vehicle until you get the fuck out of my room.”

“You’re being remarkably nice about this,” Rose said, as Vriska made her way over to the door. “I expected you to be jealous that John seemed to be so transfixed by me in the bathroom just now.”

“Pleaaaaaaaase,” Vriska drawled, rolling her eyes and opening the door for Rose. “It doesn’t matter what you two get up to; there is noooooooo way you can hook up with him like I do~”

“We’ll just have to see,” Rose said, sauntering towards the door. “I almost feel bad for cutting into your monopoly~”

“Awwwwwwww, I’m sure you’ll get over it,” Vriska said with a fake pout. “By the way, do you remember if Kanaya packed that blue negligee with the g-string? Because I can only listen to Karkat bitch about human subway systems for so long before I need to bend your girlfriend over something until she starts screaming my name.”

Rose turned to shoot Vriska an icy look as Vriska smiled a toothy smile.

“See, told you you'd get over it," Vriska snickered, slamming the door in Rose's face.

* * *

 “Holy _shit_ what did you pack?” John grunted, dragging Vriska’s duffel bag behind him as Vriska held the door open with her foot.

“Half her closet by the looks of it,” Kanaya said, looking over the rim of her sunglasses with barely concealed disdain at the bag as she and Rose wheeled out Kanaya’s immaculately packed suitcases. “At the last possible moment, no doubt. Could have been prepared last night but-“

“I care more about spending time with my matesprit than I do spending time with my luggage,” Vriska snipped back, tugging the door closed and snagging Kanaya’s rolling suitcase. Kanaya nearly tripped down the steps, hand flailing out and catching Rose’s hand in a rare display of inelegance. “Unlike some people.”

“Perhaps _some_ of us just have the brainpower to do more than one thing in a single evening,” Kanaya sniffed, smoothing her skirt as she brushed past Vriska, dragging her suitcases behind her.

“And _some_ of us have the care to know when you should just _one_ thing and reeeeeeeeally do it right,” Vriska drawled. “Honestly; I know how sloppy you are when you’re paying attention-“

“Oh you think _that’s_ how I am when I’m paying attention?” Kanaya said with an airy laugh. “You _wish_ I gave you my full attention.”

“I seriously do,” Vriska said. “I know you can’t always be that bad in bed or Rose would have dumped your fine little ass a long time ago.”

“Maybe she’s just not as shallow as some people,” Kanaya snapped, slapping Vriska’s hand away as it reached for Kanaya’s shoulder.

"Or has the threshold set really low; someone ought to let her know she's missing out~"

John and Rose hung back, heads tilted to one side as their respective girlfriends bickered in the middle of the expansive lawn, waiting for their ride to arrive.

“Now are they flirting…or legitimately mad at each other?” John said, scratching the back of his head with his free hand.

“The better question, I think, is if there’s any meaningful difference,” Rose said, glancing at John for a brief moment and catching his eye for a moment before looking away.

“Isn’t Jade supposed to be here by now?” John said, dropping Vriska’s bag and rolling his shoulders.

“Perhaps she ran into traffic,” Rose said, lips twitching into a small smile.

“Maybe she ran out of space in her car,” John said, laughing and lightening the tension between them just a little bit. He expected there to be some…awkwardness but given the fact that he basically walked in on Rose in the middle of an especially enjoyable shower, it wasn’t as painful as he expected. She didn’t seem to be mad at him; if anything, she seemed to be trying harder to smooth things over between them and forget anything had ever happened.

Which John would have been fine with…except he seemed to be having a hell of a time getting wet, naked, moaning Rose Lalonde out of his head.

It would have been easier if he could just block it off like all the other impossible fantasies that come and go through an eighteen year old boy’s head…except it wasn’t strictly speaking impossible. John hadn’t given Vriska’s offer much thought the night before as Vriska was very good at keeping his attention on her when she wanted it…but now she was going away for a whole week with Kanaya and John would be alone in the house with Rose for at least seven days. It wasn’t as though he expected to run out and jump into a new…thing right away but-

John’s train of thought was interrupted by a bright flash of green light in the middle of the lawn that signaled the arrival of Jade and-

“ _Dave_?” John blinked as Dave stood a few feet away from Jade, dressed in a pair of red running shorts, salmon colored tank top (with the words “ _Party Girl_ ” emblazoned in glitter on the front) sipping coffee out of a mug with a record on it. It was hardly an outfit you’d expect from the richest living person in the world but John barely raised an eye at it. “What are you-“

“Well, you see John,” Dave said, running a hand through his sleep tousled hair. “Your furry sister showed up in my bedroom with a cup of coffee this morning and-“

“Wait...do I _want_ to know what happened next?” Rose said, holding up a hand and looking between them with a small frown.

“-asked me if I wanted to go for a quick ride somewhere,” Dave finished, tipping his sunglasses down the bridge of his nose and showing off his “are-you-fucking-kidding-me-Lalonde” look that he picked up from Jade. “To which I said, and I quote, “ _eh_.”

“Which I took as a _yes_ because if I had to spend the morning teleporting, Feferi, Aradia, and Sollux around, I was going to need backup,” Jade said, bumping into Dave’s hip with her own.

“And nothing backs up misery like company,” Dave said.

“I imagine that was awkward?” Kanaya said, breathing through her nose.

“You have nooooooo idea,” Jade said, pinching the bridge of her nose.

“This is gonna be a loooooooong week, isn’t it?” Vriska groaned.

“Except the chicken is a bumblebee with an attitude problem, the fox is his ex, the cabbage is his current girlfriend and instead of shuffling them across the river like some kind of Bayou barge service, we’re shuffling them across the motherfucking planet,” Dave said, taking the last sip of his coffee. “At eight in the morning no less; can I get a top off?”

“Buck up; we’re almost done,” Jade said as John and Rose set Vriska and Kanaya’s bags down on the grass beside Jade’s feet. “Yeesh, this is traveling light?”

“She’s got two bags upstairs that Rose made her leave behind,” Vriska singsonged, ducking behind Dave as a vein pulsed in Kanaya’s forehead. “We’re celebrating baby steps here.”

“Progress is progress I reckon,” Dave shrugged.

“I think that’s the most Texan thing I’ve ever heard you say,” Rose said with a small chuckle.

“Yeah well I reckon y’all hoity toity carpetbaggers don’t get down to God’s favorite state much, now do y’all,” Dave said in a deliberately exaggerated Texan accent. “Now _that_ ’s the most Texan thing you’ve heard me say. You Yankees gonna be all right up here on your lonesome?”

“Isn’t the first time we’ve been up here by ourselves,” John said, glancing at Rose who smiled and glanced away nervously. Dave’s eyes traced between the pair of them for a moment, eyebrows raised as if to say what-the-hell-was-that but Jade spoke before he could.

“Can either of you two cook _anything_ that isn’t frozen?” Jade snorted.

“Hey, they have full hamburgers in the frozen food aisle now,” John said, holding his hands up. “I don’t _need_ to cook anything.”

“That is the saddest thing I’ve ever heard in my life,” Kanaya mumbled.

“Okay, blood drinkers don’t get to weigh in on what regular people eat,” Vriska said, poking Kanaya in the side. “I’ll nuke my fucking burritos and I’ll enjoy it, thank you.”

“Hey, are we gonna leave or can I go get some more coffee?” Dave asked, shaking his cup upside down. “Because if you want to I can kick it here while you play warp pad for the Ex-Alternian Reunion.“

“We’re leaving, we’re leaving,” Jade snapped, turning to Vriska and Kanaya. “Say goodbye!”

“Someone’s got big plans this week,” Vriska said, rolling her eyes John leaned in for a kiss.

“Nah; just gonna watch some TV, work on some music, play with the dog a bit,” Dave shrugged. “Pretty lowkey.”

“Sounds delightful,” Kanaya said, kissing Rose on the cheek. “Call me if anything comes up, yes?”

“Or just to say hello,” Rose said, shrugging. “Don’t plan to do much but…I will let you know how things go.”

“Of course…I just wanted to say that I-“ Kanaya was cut off as Vriska grabbed her from behind, hoisting her up and dragging her back towards Jade. “ _Vriska_!”

“Come oooooooon I want to hit the beach before Tuesday!” Vriska whined as Rose, to Kanaya’s indignation, had to stop herself from laughing. “Don’t worry, Rosie, I’ll bring her back in one piece~”

“I’ll hold you to that,” Rose said with a small wave. “Try not to drive each other crazy, will you?”

“Maybe they should so you can bill them for psych treatment,” John mumbled out of the corner of his mouth, waving to Vriska as Jade, Dave, Vriska, and Kanaya vanished in a flash of green light that left an acrid smell in the air. They stood there in a comfortable silence for a moment as a light breeze wafted through the trees, looking at the spot where Jade teleported them away.

Rose looked up to see John looking at her with a perplexed look on his face. She felt color rise to her cheeks as she realized that they would be completely undisturbed for the next seven days.

“Something on your mind?” Rose asked.

“Nothing it’s just…” John opened his mouth to say something before trailing off, shaking his head as he nodded back towards the house. They were about ten feet from the door when John stopped again.

“Okay…am I crazy or…” John sighed, scratching the back of his head. “Did Dave… _always_ have a dog?”

“No I don’t think he ever-“ Rose said, stopping in her tracks just short of the front steps. “Oh…oh god _damnit_ , Dave...”

"What?" John said.

"It's better you don't know," Rose sighed, jogging up the steps and making a beeline for the liquor cabinet. With any luck, she could drink away the mental image of her brother "playing" with his "dog."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact this chapter was written before zombiex227 reminded me of "Cage:Reveal Plan" which is why I found it so hilariously appropriate. 
> 
> I know this is long but now NOTHING IS IN THE WAY OF JOHN AND ROSE HOOKING UP...or is there? 
> 
> Nah, just kidding...OR AM I?
> 
> Haha just messing with you...OR-


	8. Home Alone

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Rose writes terrible smut, John and Rose have a "talk" and John touches a boob that isn't Vriska's.

“Harder, John, harder!”

“I’m going as hard as I can! Fuck, I’m gonna be sore after this.”

“Little to the left, little to the left…there. Right there!”

“Like this?”

“Yes…so close…almost there.”

“ _Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck **YES**_!”

Rose suppressed a small chuckle as John spiked the controller on the couch, cheering as Mario and Peach’s handcart on screen crossed the finish line a hair before the computer’s.

“Dammit my thumb’s gonna fall off,” John winced, shaking the hand that had been hammering the button that propelled their cart to victory.

“Whose coin trick is stupid now?” Rose asked, dime glinting between her index fingers as the computer added to their coin stash.

“Yeah yeah, rub it in,” John winced, flexing his thumb. “I may need to ice this…”

“Go stick your thumb out the window; it should be plenty iced in a matter of moments,” Rose said, glancing outside as the wind deposited thick, fluffy snowflakes in a wall of seemingly impenetrable white.

“Don’t try and _Snowpiercer_ me, Rose,” John snorted, flopping back against the couch. “When did you become the expert on video games anyway?”

“Well let’s see I played solitaire on my mother’s computer when I was a young girl,” Rose said, tapping her chin in deep concentration. “And shortly after that I played a video game with some friends of mine that literally conferred upon me godhood so…since then.”

“Oh…guess that was a video game, huh?” John said, taking a sip of Crush as the computer took its turn. “Funny, I guess I always thought of it more as-“

“A world destroying eldritch abomination from before the dawn of time?” Rose finished, wincing as Wario drew nearer and nearer to the star space.

“Yeah…that,” John said, blowing his lips across the mouth of the soda bottle idly. “Kind of a shitty game, huh?”

“Customer support was basically nonexistent,” Rose chuckled, taking a small sip of water.

“ _Had_ to be online to play it,” John added.

“Moderators were _completely_ useless,” Rose chimed in.

“Most of the players were huge trolls,” John said, laughing at his own joke.

“Absolutely no third-party modding potential,” Rose sighed.

“Ew, who would want that?” John said, wrinkling his nose.

“Are you suggesting that you _wouldn’t_ mod in god mode items and completely unbalanced weaponry?” Rose said, picking up her controller as her turn came around. "Tell me the endgame wouldn't have been easier if we could summon trains from the sky to fall on our enemies." 

“Sure, but you know someone would have added the Ridiculous Big Titty Mod and everyone would be sporting jugs the size of Volkswagen Beetle hoods,” John said, shuddering.

“You seem to know an awful lot about these Ridiculous Big Titty Mods,” Rose said, glancing across the couch with a small smirk.

“I’ve seen some shit, Rose,” John said gravely, taking a sip of his orange soda. “The internet is a horrible, horrible pl- _Rose what the fuck are you doing?_!”

“Whatever do you mean?” Rose said, ignoring the offended look on John’s face as Princess Peach approached the ghost on the far side of the gameboard. “I was just thinking of making a…purchase.”

“Purchase?” John said, eyes darting between the screen and Rose’s slowly broadening smirk.

“Last five turns of the game,” Rose said coyly. “Time to…shake things up a bit.”

“Rose…whatever you’re thinking of doing…don’t,” John said, standing up and slowly approaching Rose as though she had a gun pointed at him. “Come on, what happened to you and me against the machines? If you turn on me now, Skynet wins! Do you _want_ Skynet to win, Rose?”

“Oh, John, it’s nothing personal,” Rose said, finger hovering over the A button like it was the launch button for a nuclear warhead. “Just good, sound busi- _John_!”

Rose gasped as John suddenly lunged across the couch, grabbing for the controller as she tried to keep her grip on it.

“Traitor!” John accused, trying to pluck the controller out of Rose’s hands as she tried to slide off the couch. “Give me the controller!”

“Fool that you were to trust me, Egbert,” Rose laughed, clutching the controller close to her body and turning over to keep it from John’s grip. “It was only a matter of time before I betrayed you for my own ends~”

“Next time I’m partnering with the machines,” John laughed, grabbing Rose’s playfully kicking legs and holding them apart long enough to lunge for the controller clutched close to her chest.

“And I’ll steal your stars then as well!” Rose taunted, flipping over on her back and holding the controller over her head out of John’s reach. He went to grab it and she instinctively locked her legs around his waist, pinning his hips against her body to keep him from sliding any further up her body.

“Yeah just…try…it…” John said, panting as he looked down and realized the position he was in. Rose’s legs wrapped around his waist, her shirt rumpled and exposing her stomach, hair tousled from their brief wrestling match, lips parted and breathing hard as she looked up at him. The controller dropped to the carpet with a near silent thud but neither of them appeared to be very interested. The ghost was frozen on screen, cursor hovering over the Yes button as John and Rose’s faces flushed looking at one another.

John opened his mouth to say something but a small growl coming from Rose’s stomach seemed to bring them both back to reality.

“Haven’t eaten anything since lunch,” Rose said with a small laugh, sitting up as John got off her and straightening out her shirt.

“Y-yeah me neither,” John said, pushing himself off the couch and running a hand through his hair. “Dinner?”

“Sounds lovely,” Rose said, tucking her hair behind her ear. “There’s a list on the fridge if you fancy popping over to the supermarket.”

“I think I have to unless you want to eat boxed rice for the next week,” John said, heading towards the garage. “Requests?”

“Twizzlers,” Rose called after John as the garage door slammed behind him. She sat frozen on the couch for a moment, looking after him before letting out a long, exasperated sigh. She flopped back against the cushions, grabbing a throw pillow pressing her face into it as she muffled a groan of frustration. The TV caught her attention as the Boo on screen let out a small cackle.

“Shut up,” Rose groused, switching off the TV and heading to the bar to uncork a bottle of white wine.

* * *

 

~~_Soup_ ~~  
~~_Box of Twizzlers_ ~~  
~~_Frozen burritos_ ~~  
~~_Frozen orange chicken bowls_ ~~  
~~_Frozen pizza_ ~~  
~~_Frozen French fries_ ~~  
~~_Frozen apple pie_ ~~  
~~_Ice cream (Mint chip)_ ~~  
~~_Apples/some other healthy vegetable crap_ ~~

John double checked the list, ignoring the strange looks he got from tightly bundled strangers as he padded down the grocery store aisles in his tank top, shorts, and flip flops. The weather forecasted a blizzard to end all blizzards but John Egbert had bigger fish to fry . His shopping list done, he stared at the rows and rows of condom boxes in front of him, wondering which (if any) he should add to the cart.

One of the benefits of dating a member of a different species was that condoms weren’t a necessary part of his and Vriska’s sex life. If he were older he might have felt differently about not being able to have children with the woman he loved but as he was an eighteen year old boy with no aspirations of fatherhood, he was just happy to be able to enjoy sex au natural…with Vriska at least.

Now, a whole different avenue of relationships made available to him, he now had something of a choice to make.

John’s flip flopped pacing had passed the condom section at least three times. The first two times, John almost grabbed a box but quickly walked away, stuffing his cart with candy and chips to take his mind of condoms and who he might use them on. Because if he bought condoms, that was pretty much committing to having sex with someone who was not-Vriska. Not only not-Vriska but not-trolly either.

And the more he paced around the grocery store, the more the not-Vriska, not-trolly someone started to look a hell of a lot like Rose.

* * *

 

_Roslyn splayed herself out in front of the fire, naked breasts glistening with a heady and lusty sweat as she awaited the arrival of the young guard, Jowan. Her beautiful wife away, dallying with the treacherous witch of Black Widows, Roslyn found her loins craving the rough touch of her personal guard, loins burning with forbidden fire as finally her secret lust was made clear._

_A small cry of false fear drew Jowan into her quarters, warhammer brandished and glancing around for an intruder only to fall on Roslyn’s lounging form with some surprise._

_“My lady, I’m sorry!” Jowan exclaimed though the sudden bulge in the front of his kilt as Roslyn approached, naked save for the tiara on her head, made it clear that he was not sorry in the slightest. “I thought you needed me to-“_

_“But I do, Jowan,” Roslyn said, fingers trailing down his strong arms and gliding up the shaft of his massive warhammer. “Your queen has long had need of your services and it is time for you to fulfil my desires~”_

_“But what of your wife, my queen?” Jowan protested, lips parting as her hands went to the buckle of his kilt._

_“My wife has granted me special leave to take lovers as she does,” Roslyn said, leaning up on her toes and pressing a kiss against Jowan’s lips. “Such is the privilege of royalty; a privilege I intend to make use of for the first time.”_

_Dipping under the folds of his kilt, Roslyn’s slender fingers enclosed around his already engorged l ~~ength shaft manhood dick penis prick cock tallywhacker shlong ding-a-ling manmeat porksword~~_

* * *

 

Rose stared at the blinking line on her word document, nose wrinkling the last few lines she had written. She slammed her finger down on the delete key while she tipped her half-filled glass of white wine into the plant next to the sofa until all evidence of her sin was erased from the cosmos.

Twelve hours after Kanaya and Vriska left and she was already writing thinly veiled friendfiction about John and herself starring in a bodice ripper grocery store novel. It was going to be a long week. 

She didn’t even have school to distract her since she turned in her term paper the Friday before and had six uninterrupted weeks before she had to go back. Which meant unless she wanted to spend the next month and a half living at the public library, she was either going to have to get over John Egbert…or get under him before she penned a full twelve volume series of _The Lewd Adventures of the Queen and the Barbarian._

“Is that cannibalism?” Rose looked up as John stepped through the back door, arms full of groceries and wearing only a tank top and shorts despite the light snow covering the ground outside. “Feeding the smashed juices of one plant to another?”

“Not quite,” Rose said. “Common house ferns and wine grapes are hardly in the same plant family, let alone wholly related; it’s not cannibalism.”

“Really?” John asked, leaning against the backdoor frame as flakes of snow started to fall through the open door.

“I hope so because I wouldn’t want our fern to turn into a crazed wendigo cannibal plant,” Rose said with a shudder. “Any plans on closing the door or are you just going to drop the groceries on the floor there and turn the living room into a freezer?”

“Oh, right, forgot,” John said, tugging the door closed as he carted the groceries into the kitchen, kicking open the freezer door and shoving an entire bag inside. “Writing something?”

“Just some…personal things,” Rose said quickly, poignantly locking eyes with John as he looked up at her curiously.

“Personal things?” John asked.

“Yes I’m writing “All Work and No Play Makes Rose a Dull Girl” over and over again,” Rose said flatly. “Seemed appropriate given the weather.”

“Yeesh, you’re telling me,” John said, glancing out the window at the snow piling up outside. “Remind me again why you moved somewhere where freezing to death is a serious concern.”

“Long winter nights and bitter freezing temperatures are something of my aesthetic,” Rose said, watching him stow the groceries in the pantry. “Besides, I rather think I look good in scarves and jackets.”

“Yeah, I’m sure you’d look good in bikini tops and short shorts too,” John snorted without thinking, banging his head on the shelf in the refrigerator in his hurry to turn around. “I mean…wait, that came out wrong...”

“Are you suggesting I _wouldn’t_ look good in a bikini and short shorts?” Rose said, eyebrow raising and lips curling into a feline smile. “John, I’m hurt; I would _never_ suggest you wouldn’t look good a bikini and hotpants.”

“I know, awful of me,” John laughed nervously, grateful he dodged a pothole. “I’m sorry.”

“I would suggest driving out to pick up a pizza as an act of contrition but it seems we’re somewhat snowed in,” Rose sighed, glancing out the window. “How did you get the car out to the grocery store in this mess?”

“Ha,” John snorted, lobbing a box of Twizzlers towards Rose on a small gust of wind. “What makes you think I drive anywhere anymore?”

“Of course,” Rose snorted, snatching the box of Twizzlers off the wind. “Apparently I’m the only one left that travels like a normal human being anymore?”

“Apparently you’re the only one who still thinks she’s a normal human being,” John said, plucking a bottle of water from the fridge.

“Bit early to go completely transhuman, isn’t it?” Rose said, watching John jump, twirl in the air supported by a breeze that ruffled her hair, and land cross legged on the couch.

“That why you still go to school?” John said, regarding her over the lip of his water bottle. “To feel “human” again?”

“Never really stopped feeling human, to be honest,” Rose said, nibbling thoughtfully on a Twizzler. “Did you?”

“Hard to think of yourself like everyone else when you can travel to the grocery store on gusts of wind and go skinny dipping in a frozen pond like it’s a hot tub,” John shrugged. “You telling me you still feel like plain old Rose Lalonde even after you died, came back to life, and helped create a whole new universe with your vampire alien girlfriend?”

“Some of us have more…esoteric abilities that keep our feet on the ground,” Rose said, folding her legs underneath herself. “In my case, quite literally. Perhaps because my Aspect is so closely linked to human-sorry, human and troll-ideas like knowledge and luck. Unlike you or Dave or Jade who can manipulate more cosmic things directly, we passive deities have an easier time staying grounded.”

“Translation; you got short-changed on the fun godly powers like flight, time travel and teleportation so it’s easier for you to pretend nothing’s changed,” John said, stretching out on the couch and kicking his feet up on the coffee table. “Am I right, or am I right?”

Rose shrugged, not wanting to admit the petty pangs of jealousy Jade teleported or John poofed himself in a gust of wind.

“I never said you were wrong,” Rose said, idly chewing a Twizzler. “But if we _are_ functionally immortal, ageless, divine architects of the universe, I’d like to pretend to be an ordinary teenager for a little while longer while it’s still somewhat easy to do so.”

“Wait…you were an ordinary teenager once?” John snorted, earning a small scowl from Rose. “What? You lived in a mansion in the middle of nowhere complete with cat mausoleum, were raised a constantly drunk super genius mother who liked to decorate the house with wizards, and probably knew more about psychology before you were fourteen than most people in college know now. Face it; you’ve never been ordinary.”

“Then I’m pretending for the first time,” Rose sniffed, biting into another Twizzler a little more aggressively than she intended. “In my defense, I don’t exactly have a good frame of reference...”

“Gonna have to settle for a new definition of "ordinary" then,” John chuckled. “Full of weird, geometric dating circles…squares…things.”

John trailed off as he brought up the subject of romance, staring up at the ceiling as Rose glanced across the couch, staring at the top of his head thoughtfully for a moment.

“Speaking of…things,” Rose coughed, smoothing her sweatpants out. “Are “things” with Vriska-“

“They’re fine!” John said suddenly, coughing into his hand as he sat up. “I mean…yeah, they’re pretty good…what about you and-“

“Fine as well,” Rose nodded, shifting in her seat a bit. “We were apparently not on the same page for a while but I think we’re working towards an…understanding.”

“Good, good,” John said, running a hand through his hair. “Kinda same deal with me and Vriska…talked about some...stuff...“

“Stuff?” Rose prompted.

“ _Things_ ,” John "clarified", glancing up at Rose. “Why?”

“I only ask because Kanaya and I also had a talk about…things,” Rose said with a small, nervous laugh. “And apparently Vriska was to have the same talk with you.”

Rose knew that John and Vriska had already had that conversation but she was interested in hearing the particulars of it from John’s point of view because she realized that while Kanaya could almost be too subtle, Vriska was about as tactful as a wrecking ball driven by a raging bull.

“Yeah we…we talked,” John said, stomach fluttering a little nervously. “I’m guessing it was something along the lines of “get busy getting busy while I get busy with my kismesis.”

“Yes, she recommended that I…broaden my relationship horizon as well,” Rose said smoothly, picking at a fiber on the throw blanket beside her.

“So long as it wasn’t some “airheaded barista,” John said, using full fingerquotes. “Her exact words, whatever that means.”

“It’s a figure of speech,” Rose said quickly with a small, slightly nervous laugh. “Do you…want to talk about it?”

“In like a therapist kinda way or-“

“In like a “we’re both romantic noobs who have been just thrown into the deep end of the polyamory pool” kind of way,” Rose said, brow crinkling slightly. “I’m not out to pick your brain because I have nothing better to do on a Saturday, John.”

“Sorry, sorry,” John said, holding up his hands. “I just…I’m still kinda wrapping my head around it, that’s all.”

“Not every day your paramour poses polyamorous predicaments,” Rose admitted, scratching the back of her neck anxiously. “Not exactly…normal, is it?”

“Yech, I’m really starting to hate that word,” John sighed, blowing a raspberry at the ceiling. “Nowmal.” We’re playing with a “normal” that is apparently not the normal “normal” anymore…if that makes any sense.”

“And the new normal “normal” still isn’t the normal “normal” in our world,” Rose sighed, rubbing her eyes. “Does that make sense?”

“I…think?” John chuckled. “I don’t know…what are you thinking?”

“I’m not entirely sure either,” Rose said, squeezing a throw pillow anxiously. “Part of me wonders if I shouldn’t take the good relationship I have and quit while I’m ahead.”

“ _Seriously_ ,” John said, flopping back against sofa. “I’m doing pretty well with one girlfriend as it is; don’t think I need another.”

Rose privately agreed with the sentiment, wondering if she was ever going to feel anything for any woman when she still had Kanaya to come home to. On the other hand…

“But on the other hand,” Rose said, shifting a little on the couch. “…I can’t deny the fact that the whole notion is…intriguing.”

“That’s one way of putting it,” John said, eyes briefly glancing at the grocery bag on the counter. “Intriguing…”

“And it seems to have worked out well for Nepeta and Jade…” Rose pressed on, watching John’s face scrunch up in confusion.

“Wait, Jade got the same talk?” John said, sitting up and looking at Rose.

“Yes, and she seems to be finding her…extra-relationship as fulfilling as the one she has with Nepeta,” Rose said smoothly.

“Huh…I wonder who she’s seeing on the side,” John mused. “I think I would have heard something about it by now.”

“John,” Rose said softly.

“I mean, granted she’s my sister but I think she’d tell me if she was dating someone else,” John said

“John.”

“Could have saved us some time if she just said she was seeing someone else while Nepeta rode the dolphin,” John snorted.

“John!”

“What?”

“Dave doesn’t have a dog,” Rose said simply, getting up from the couch to go start making her dinner.

“…okay, that’s kinda random,” John said, eyeing Rose as she opened the freezer. “I mean, I thought it was weird when he said he was going to be spending the whole week playing with his dog because I could have sworn he didn’t- ** _that son of a bitch!_** ”

“And the last horse crosses the finish line,” Rose said, looking around for her soup as John made a break for the bathroom, making fake retching sounds as he went. An awkward end to the conversation, to be sure, but the ball was in the air so the pair of them could address where they stood on the whole notion of potentially fucking each other’s brains out in a semi-romantic fashion. She hardly knew John’s opinion on the matter but she was sure she could tactfully figure out some other way to bring it up later in the week without sounding like someone dying of thirst.

She opened one of the grocery bags to see if her soup was in there, noting a large black box on the bottom of the bag. She picked it up by the corner of the packaging, glancing at it briefly before setting it on the counter and rooting around in the fridge. He supposed she should have expected a young man his age to blow through condom boxes fast at the rate he and Vriska made love. The last thing John needed was a child to care for so it made sense that he would get some more condoms so that he and his girlfriend who he was biologically incompatible with wouldn’t have any unwanted-

Rose froze with her hand on the soup, sticking her head out of the fridge and looking at the box of condoms with a slowly reddening face as she realized that John didn’t need condoms to have sex with Vriska. He would only really need them if he was either a) planning to go on a wild sexcapade with many a bean grinding floozy or b) he was at least considering the possibility of having a wild sexcapade with her.

In either case, she now suddenly found that her appetite for soup had suddenly taken a hit.

* * *

 

Rose woke at three in the morning and realized three things in rapid succession.

1) The power was out. She knew this because her white noise machine no longer broadcasted the soothing sounds of capuchin monkeys cawing mournfully through the amazon rainforest.

2) Because the power was out, the heater that kept the bitter chill of the blizzard out must’ve gone out as well. She knew this because-

3) It was _fucking_ freezing.

Never had she regretted her choice in sleep attire more than when she woke to find that her t-shirt and panties did little to keep the sudden chill in the house out. She found that even under three thick comforters, she woke trembling and clutching a thick body pillow she must’ve dreamt was Kanaya. Outside, she could see the moon shining down on the cold, white landscape and no matter how tightly she curled into a ball or rubbed her arms, she couldn’t seem to get herself warm.

Teeth chattering, she wrapped as many blankets as she could around herself as she slowly shuffled out of her bedroom, feet padding on the floor as she cursed the decision to get stone flagged floor. No matter how lovely it looked, it was like walking on sheets of ice and Rose breathed a small sigh of relief as she wandered down into the carpeted living room where an empty fireplace beckoned.

It took a few moments to get the kindling and newspaper into the fireplace, stacking logs in a small pyramid as she fumbled with the lighter. It took her a few moments to get the tinder to catch but the arid, splintery logs quickly caught as two things happened.

1) Rose shucked the blankets off her shoulders with a throaty sigh, leaning backwards and spreading her freezing legs out on the blankets to warm them more quickly by the fire.

2) John, finally roused from his sleep, rounded the corner wearing nothing but a pair of boxers and brandishing a sledgehammer in one hand.

“Whasshappinin?” John demanded, rounding the corner in confusion. “You suckers picked the wrong house to rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrose?”

Rose blinked up at John owlishly in the dim light cast by the fire, glancing between the hammer and the featureless black boxer briefs he wore before realizing that she was all but naked splayed out on a rug before the fireplace as a half-naked John wielding a hammer burst in because he thought he heard someone break in.

Even though she had obliterated that story from her hard drive, it seems her ribald friendfiction rose from beyond the grave to torment her.

“What are you uh…” Rose caught John’s eyes glance down to her naked legs illuminated by the crackling fire. “Uh…cold?”

If she was the lusty Queen Roslyn, this would have been the part of the story where she pulled her shirt off and dragged John over to the fire place, breasts heaving as her fingertips brushed across the front of his length/manhood/penis etc. If her life was a harlequin romance novel, this would be the part in which the hero and the heroine consummated their forbidden lust for one another in a love scene that travelled over twenty pages and the length of the living room. Rose envied the bodice-ripper heroines who only had to shoot a coy, demure glance at the rugged, broad chested hero before their panties were dangling from their legs as the stableboy/warrior/handsome stranger pounded them up against the wall.

As Rose’s life was not a sleezy sex book, none of these things actually happened.

“Of course I’m cold,” Rose said, covering her legs with the blanket as John tried the lightswitch. “It’s fifty degrees in here, John, how are you not freezing? Especially given your...”

Rose trailed off as John realized he was standing in front of Rose in her underwear while he himself had nothing but black cotton preventing him from being completely naked and alone with her. If his life had been a sleezy Showtime After Dark movie, John would no doubt have made some comment about warming Rose up and they would have been going at it in weird positions designed to mug for the invisible camera while they lay on the blankets in front of the fire.

As it was not, John crossed his arms in front of his crotch uselessly as he tried not to glance down at Rose’s legs.

“I-Is it?” John stammered, rubbing his arms awkwardly as he put his sledgehammer down. “Hadn’t noticed…I just got up because I thought I heard someone banging around and it turned out to be-“

Half naked Rose moaning in front of the fireplace

“-nothing,” John finished, coughing into his hand. Rose wrapped the blanket around her shoulders, watching John as he stood there glancing anywhere but her lower half. Her life may not have been a harlequin romance novel but Rose suddenly found herself presented with a unique situation…one she fully intended to see through to the end.

“Will your bullshit powers never cease,” Rose said, rubbing her arms theatrically. “S-seriously, I’m freezing over here.”

“You uh…need me to get more wood?” John asked, glancing at the woodpile outside buried in a drift of snow. “Bullshit powers protect me from cold so-“

“I think I’m alright,” Rose said, glancing at the pile of logs stacked up next to the fireplace before glancing back at the couch. “A pillow would be nice; I fear I’m going to spend the rest of the night in front of this fireplace…or at least until the power comes back on.”

John nodded, shuffling over to the sofa a little self consciously as he plucked a throw pillow off the couch, looked at it for a moment, before tossing it over to Rose and making his way over to the chair-and-a-half in the corner.

“What are you-“ Rose trailed off as John lifted the chair with remarkable ease, twirling it around and depositing it with a small thud in front of the fireplace, turning it until the front faced into the open flames.

“Hang on,” John said, grabbing the ottoman and setting it down in front of the chair. “There…no use sleeping on the floor, right?”

“Thank you,” Rose said, pulling the blankets back from her legs and slowly standing up, stretching a little lazily for effect. She felt her shirt ride up over the waistband of her simple black bikini panties and wondered if that had caught John’s attention. “Though I hardly see how I’m supposed to sleep any better in a chair?”

“Pft, Vriska and I fall asleep in this sucker all the time,” John said, patting the side of the chair. “Pretty nice napping spot actually.”

“I sincerely doubt that it can fit two people comfortably,” Rose said, heart thrumming a little at the audacity of the plan forming in her head. She wondered if John would rise to the bait and had to suppress a small gasp of triumph as he rolled his eyes and flopped down into the chair, legs kicking up on the ottoman and scooting over as if to show her how much room they had.

“See? Plenty of-“ John stopped short as Rose suddenly hopped up on the ottoman, sliding into the spot next to him and draping blankets over the pair of them. “-space.”

“I see your point,” Rose said, turning over on her side and accidentally laying her head on John’s shoulder, looking for any sign of recoil of discomfort as she glanced up at him. She couldn’t tell if his cheeks looked red because of the fire; only that in spite of the sub-zero temperatures, John was still warm. From where she nestled next to his neck, she could have sworn she heard his heart thrumming as fast as hers as well.

“Uh…you want me to take off or…” John said, stiffening as Rose’s arm draped across his chest.

“Not unless you want to,” Rose said quietly, words dripping with unspoken meaning that John actually seemed to pick up on as his hand experimentally came to rest on Rose’s back, relaxing just a little bit.

“I’m good,” John breathed, staring up at the ceiling as Rose shifted and got more comfortable on top of him. Her soft, smooth legs brushed against his as Rose draped one between his and pressed her hips against the side of his. After a moment, she was still, breathing quietly as he could feel her eyes on him.

“I’m growing fonder of your bullshit powers to stay warm by the moment,” Rose mumbled, feeling sleepy as her head rested on John’s chest.

“They’re kinda awesome; I’m glad you’ve noticed,” John chuckled, hand idly moving along the soft fabric of Rose’s shirt as her breathing became slower and deeper. John stared into the fire, wind levitating another log into the flames as he last conscious thought was his name being sleepily muttered on Rose’s lips.

* * *

 

Rose woke at six in the morning to two distinct sensations:

1) The sound of birds chirping as sunlight streamed through the bay window and struck her face, rousing her out of her sleep.

2) The feeling of John’s hands softly caressing her breasts under her shirt in his sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one's a bit late but I was off filling a Fire Emblem Kink Meme request that I promised I'd do two years ago (Promotes http://archiveofourown.org/works/5086243/chapters/11695879). Back on track now and I plan to finish this one before taking on any new projects. It seems that NaNoWriMo is going to be NaSmutWriMo since, strapped for novel ideas this year, I'm going to see how many NSFW fics I can crank out before Thanksgiving. 
> 
> ...I'm counting this one. 
> 
> So if you have any ideas for fics, feel free to drop me a line here (http://secretfandomsmutblog.tumblr.com/ask) and I'll see if I'm up to the challenge!
> 
> On that frustrating note we reach the climax of the story in the next chapter. I understand some of you may feel like getting off here, maybe considering beating it for other stories that achieve satisfaction more quickly but I promise time spent diddling around will soon come to a head as I attempt to whack another chapter off before too long. 
> 
> Orgasm pun.


	9. Retail Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which John tells Dave more than he wanted to know, Balthazar the Wizard fixes John and Rose's relationship, and an important science experiment is performed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Went back and added a few things to Chapter Seven. Naughty things.

It was not every day that Rose Lalonde woke to the sensation of someone softly kneading her breasts under her shirt.

…well, that wasn’t exactly true. Kanaya had a habit of slipping her hands beneath Rose’s nightgown in the early mornings, nibbling Rose’s ear as she coaxed her matesprit out of her sleep for some early morning fun. But even in her sleepy haze, there was no possible way to mistake the hands currently massaging her chest for Kanaya’s. The rainbow drinker’s delicate touch knew every inch of Rose’s body and years of practice had taught Kanaya exactly what to do to elicit a response from her partner. Rose had Kanaya’s precise routines almost memorized and it would have been routine if it wasn’t so good at making her go all breathy and panty.

These hands were different; larger, courser, and lacking any of Kanaya’s subtlety or flair. When Kanaya touched Rose, it was always with a goal of escalating to something more imminently satisfying for the both of them. John’s clumsy touch seemed to be more intent on just touching her for the sake of laying his hands on her…or that would be the case if John was actually aware of what he was doing.

As it was, he was still fast asleep beside her; the soft breathing and gentle rise and fall of his chest against her back guaranteed that. His bare chest pressed against her back snugly, arms wrapping around her waist as his hands rested comfortably on top of her breasts. Every few moment he would give a light squeeze, fingers kneading the unfamiliar flesh unconsciously as his hips pressed against her lightly clad bottom tight enough for Rose to feel the press of something exceptionally firm through her underwear.

Rose froze, hands lightly draped across his arms and pinning them to her chest as she woke and pondered her next move. Strictly speaking, she could behave like the fiery tsundere love interest from one of Karkat’s garbage harem animes and smack John across the face and no one would hold it against her. However a) she was not a stock anime character voiced by a nasally actress b) she was eighteen years old and mature enough to handle a subliminal boob-grab without breaking out the paper fans and c) if she _was_ in a harem anime she fully intended on being the main character and not a side girl and d) she had stealthily been maneuvering towards something like this for the past day or so.

And of course e) Rose had no intention of stopping what was a perfectly lovely chest massage.

After all, she didn’t really need John’s body heat with the fire sufficiently heating up the entire bottom area of the house; it had mostly been a ploy to see how it felt to snuggle up to him sans clothing and waking up to John’s hands on her skin seemed to set her heart thundering in her chest. Maybe it was the thrill of something pseudo-forbidden but Rose found it harder to keep her small, satisfied little gasps and hitches in her breathing at a respectable volume. The whole experience was so…pleasantly foreign to her; John was so much…broader than Kanaya was. He fit against her in so many completely different ways that Rose gave up trying to compare the two of them.

Her hips unconsciously rocked against his, bottom pressing against the front of his tented boxer-briefs and sending a small shiver running down Rose’s spine as John sleepily muttered something against her hair.

“Mmphm…rss…” John mumbled in his sleep. Rose tried to decipher if he had just let a small, smothered moan of her own name slip out of his mouth. She glanced at the grocery bag that held the condoms before, wondering if they were going to be needed anytime soon. She considered whether or not she should try and grab them as the realization that she definitely _wanted_ to have sex with her oldest friend washed over her, leaving her content to rest back against John’s chest that had strangely stopped its steady rise and fall.

“Mm…R…Rose?” There was no mistaking that John had said her name and Rose leaned her head back to lock eyes with John as he slowly looked down at her, then slowly looked down at her rumpled shirt. His hands squeezed her breasts experimentally as his eyes slowly widened to the size of dinner saucers, face flushing redder than the dying coals in the fireplace.

“John…I know this looks compromising but can we just-“ Rose felt a gust of wind ruffle her hair as John vanished in a puff of breeze, reappearing on the couch a few meters away, hands covering his mouth and eyes still looking between Rose’s face and her rumpled shirt.

“OHMYGOD,” John muffled through hands clamped fast around his mouth. “OHMYGODIJUSTFELTYOUUP!”

“Yes, it would appear so,” Rose said, straightening her shirt out as she knelt up in the chair. “Nothing to lose our heads over, let’s just calm down and-“

Rose’s eyes dropped for a moment, perceptibly widening at the lengths to which John’s boxers were being stretched out. He followed her eyes for a moment and let out a small squawk as he grabbed a throw pillow, tumbling backwards over the couch as he covered his lower half with the pillow.

“Oh h-hey, is it nine already?!” John chuckled nervously, glancing at the clock reading seven in the morning. “Wow, I was supposed to call Dave five minutes ago for our weekly, uh, Dude Time! Yeah, so I better…uh…”

“Hold on, John, you don’t need to-“ Rose stumbled over the ottoman, flopping on the coffee table with a muffled obscenity as she looked up to see John gone, pictures tilted a few inches to the side as a breeze blew through the kitchen.

Rose blinked up at the space John was, grabbed a nearby throw pillow, buried her face in it and screamed as loud as she could in the empty living room.

* * *

 

“Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick-“

_“You have reached the phone of David Strider. Para espanol presione dos. If you know the extension of the person you want to reach, please punch it in followed by the eighteen hundred digit passcode and an operator will get back to you in approximately three to five weeks. To leave a callback number-“_

“Dave, I know it’s you!” John said, tugging a t-shirt over the top of his head as he levitated the phone in front of his face with a gust of wind. “Come on, that wasn’t even in free-verse; no one’s going to buy that fake answering machine.”

 _“Rats; my clever ruse has been foiled,”_ Dave’s voice said, followed by a slurping sound. _“To what do I owe the pleasure of your lovely voice so early in the morning? Did Rose go all Redrum on you already? You know what they say about snow, man, it fucks with people’s brains.”_

“Hey, she might,” John chuckled anxiously, flopping down on his bed as he heard Rose’s car pull away. “I’ve been ducking her all morning.”

_“Oh Jesus, what did you do?”_

“Nothing!” John said, running a hand through his hair. “I mean…nothing I was aware of! It was dark, and the power went out and I thought I heard someone break in so I went downstairs and Rose was just lying there on a blanket so I pulled the chair up and we sat in it and-“

_“Run on sentences much, Egbert? I can see the teacher’s red squiggly marks floating in the air under the words. Run that by me again with some periods or at least a few semi-colons to break that shit up. ”_

John let out a sigh, flopping back against his bed.

“Let’s say…hypothetically I woke up grabbing Rose’s boobs and dry humping her butt,” John winced as there was a short silence on Dave’s end. "Hello?"

 _“Okay, John,”_ Dave’s voice said from the other line. “ _Branching out and doing the whole multiple women thing; I can respect that. Up your baller cred from the abysses it was at previously. Ambitious; I like it. Now, I know your experience with human girls isn’t what you would call…well, experience, but in situations like this, when you wake up with a fistful of titty and a hard-on that could split the iceberg that sunk the Titanic, there is **one thing** you should absolutely **never** do.”_

“What’s that?” John said, sitting up suddenly.

" _I need you lean in close to the phone because I am about to dispense some holy wisdom on y'all."_

"Okay, okay, I'm leaning in," John said, taking his phone off speaker and covering the mouthpiece.

" _Are you ready?"_

"Yes, damnit, just tell me what it is!" John hissed, looking around for any sign of Rose.

 _“Okay...when you wake up accidentally copping a feel it is very important that you **don’t fucking call her brother and tell him that shit!**_ ” Dave’s voice squawked out from the other end of the phone, sending John tumbling back in shock. “ _Karkat Tapdancing Vantas, John, what makes you think I want to hear about you massaging my sister's mammaries?!_ ”

“But-“

“ _But **nothing**! Look, if you and Rose want to canoodle each other on the side while your girlfriends hatefuck each other, good on you. Doing the human race proud. I just don’t want to get a call detailing the many ways you’re railing my sister_!”

“Says the guy fucking my sister!” John snapped.

_“Wait, who told you that?”_

“YOU DID!” John said. “Mr. “I’m Gonna Walk My Dog This Week HaHa JayKay I’m Gonna Fuck Your Sister John.”

_“…oh yeah, I did say that…haha, totally forgot. Anyway-”_

“ _Anyway_!” John cut Dave off. “I need…guy advice here!”

_“John, if you’re still laboring under the impression that I’m Mr. Macho Man Randy Strider then I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you, Johnny Boobgrabber. What do you want, anyway? Condom advice? Did you get Rose pregnant? Am I going to be uncle to a little baby deity?”_

“I touched her breast; that was it!” John insisted, flushing a little. “Then she wanted to talk about it and I-“

_“Split like a chump?”_

“Pretty much!” John said, an involuntary gust of wind ruffling his hair.

_“So let me get this straight…she didn’t look angry or mad and wanted to talk about you using her boobies like a teddy bear?”_

“I…no, she didn’t look mad or anything…” John said, scratching his head.

_“…John, loathe as I am to give you advice that forces me to consider the possibility of you and Rose doing the libido lambada, when a woman crawls into bed with you, doesn’t seem put out by accidental boob touchage, and then wants to talk about it, your stupid ass would do well to listen.”_

John’s brow furrowed as his mouth shut, a red rush of embarrassment coloring his cheeks. He had been so caught up in the moment; so convinced that Rose was going to turn him into a newt that he hadn’t considered any other possibility…and at the very least, he owed her a “sorry I boobgrabbed you while sleeping” chat.

“I…guess you’re right,” John sighed.

_“Course I’m right…now are there more sexcapades with my sister you’d like to share or can I get back to my shopping?”_

“Why, you looking to buy another private island or something?” John snorted. “What the hell could you be shopping for? Getting a suit made? Buying a gold-plated telephone?”

_“Nah, nothing like that…just getting some custom leatherwork done.”_

“Custom…leatherwork?” John said, frowning at the phone. “Going with the assless chaps look?”

_“Very funny; hey you think Jade would look better in a green collar or a black one?”_

“…oh fuck you.”

_“Nah, you know what, I think I’ll go with both; always handy to have two in case I need to get one of them…cleaned.”_

“Oh, come on!” John groaned, stuffing his ears and whipping his phone out the window into a nearby snow bank. “God…damn him!”

* * *

 

Retail therapy had never been Rose’s self-medication of choice

Her self-medication of choice came in a bottle, was typically from France and usually old enough to be her grandmother if it wasn't made of grapes. She was usually more than happy to let Kanaya max out her credit cards on wardrobe extensions but Rose decided to take a page from her girlfriend's book and spend the day stalking around the local mall in a black pea-coat and scarf as a means of purchasing away her frustrations both emotional and sexual. So far she had bought a set of golf clubs, a mattress topper, an inflatable punching bag, a six foot tall crystal wizard hat-rack, and a set of samurai swords but felt no better about her situation.

Clearly she was doing something wrong.

She would have hardly begrudged John his embarrassment were it not for the fact that if he had just sat there and talked to her things would have been fine between them and instead of corn dogs, she could have been spending the afternoon enjoying the taste of his-

Rose shuddered a little, glancing down at a half-eaten corndog before throwing it in a nearby trash can. This was getting badly out of hand and now John had apparently gotten spooked and ran like a fledgling buck into the woods which very well could have meant that she would spend the next week stewing in sexual frustration and being ducked by an embarrassed John at every turn.

Loathe as she was to admit it, she might have set her sights a little off and maybe John wasn’t the best choice for a non-Kanaya partner. Which…actually disappointed her more than she thought. She hadn’t quite realized that John might be someone she wanted until it was possible that she couldn’t have him anymore. She ran through a mental list of everyone else in their friend circle and just about all of them would have been booted out of the chair the moment Rose found them groping her in their sleep. She didn’t really want anyone else; she wanted John…and if his subconscious snuggling was any indicator, he wanted her as well.

Rose passed a pink, heavily perfumed store and stopped for a moment to adjust her heels in front of the display window. As she stood up, her eye fell on sheer fabric and lace trim, following the mannequin’s legs up past straps and hemlines to meet the sultriest gaze a statue could make. She was hardly the kind of person who fancied dressing up for her partners but this... _this_ was something she could get behind.

Providence had led her here in her darkest hour and granted her the means to achieve her goals. She saw paths of fortune open up before her, winding through the brambly thorns of causality. All roads that led to her destiny were paved in black satin and lace and the mannequin seemed to extend a hand to Rose, imploring her to don her buxom battle armor and get back in the fight.

This wasn’t over; not by a long shot. Rose turned and headed inside the pink perfumed panty palace, eyes seeking out satin and silk with a small smirk.

* * *

 

John nearly choked on his mint chip ice cream as he heard the front door click shut and the sound of Rose’s high heels accompanied by the sound of her dragging something heavy behind her. He banished any thoughts of it being some kind of iron maiden she planned to throw him in as she came around the corner, casually dragging an enormous crystalline wizard statue behind her with one hand. They looked at one another for a long moment, neither one of them saying anything as the unspoken boob touch hung in the air between them. Then, she dragged the statue in the corner by the shelf of dishes, arranging it until it looked out over the living room before turning to address John.

“This is Balthazar and he lives with us now,” Rose said simply and with the sternest possible expression as John blinked at her from behind his glasses. Putting his ice cream down, he got up from his chair and slowly walked over to the coatrack, grabbing a hat and scarf. Rose thought he was stepping out for a moment before he walked back over, placing the hat jauntily on top of Balthazar’s crystal wizard hat, wrapping the scarf around his neck and hand-blown beard.

“Kanaya’s not going to appreciate his wizard robes,” John said, tilting his head and looking at the statue. “And I can’t promise Vriska won’t try and put a foot through his stomach.”

“Balthazar is a wizard of the highest class, John, I’m sure he can protect himself from Vriska’s malicious intent,” Rose said, tilting her head to the side.

“Ah, but Vriska is a goddess,” John replied waggling his finger. “Goddesses trump wizards on the universal power wizard scale, remember?”

“True enough, I suppose, but she did help create a world in which Balthazar exists so she can’t really be that offended by him, can she?” Rose said, glancing up at John who was trying very hard to maintain a straight face. “Unless you think she grows angry with her creation and wishes to strike him from the earth as Jehovah struck down the first of humanity in a tidal wave.”

“Kanaya may get to it first,” John said, suppressing a snicker. “Balthazar may be under attack from forces malignant and trollish.”

“We can vote them out,” Rose said with a small chuckle. “Imagine; the first clash of the gods of Alterthia is over a wizard statue.”

“Don’t talk about Balthazar like that!” John whispered, covering the statue’s chiseled ears. “He’s an innocent wizard who may be destroyed by our collective girlfriends’ rage!”

“A modern Europa or Ganymede,” Rose said sadly, resting a hand on Balthazar’s shoulder. “But to love a god is to imperil ones mortal flesh. He knew the risks when he got into my car.”

“Brave man,” John said.

“Brave man,” Rose agreed. They shared a brief glance out of the corner of their eyes, glancing back at Balthazar’s frozen expression of whimsy as they quickly lost control of themselves, snickers and giggles escaping their mouths like air escaping a punctured party balloon. She felt the tension of the day evaporate like snow on a skillet as she noticed John’s shoulders relaxing a little from their tensed, concerned scrunch they were in before.

“Bit early for dessert, isn’t it?” Rose asked, glancing at the open ice cream container on the table. Without waiting for a response, Rose plucked the spoon out of the container, taking a glob of ice cream and idly suckling on it as John scratched the back of his neck. “Sit.”

John obliged, sitting in a chair across the table from Rose as she offered the spoon back to him with an insistent nod.

“An indirect kiss; how forward,” John chuckled, taking a bite of the ice cream before passing the spoon back to Rose.

“Says the man who was dry humping my bottom at seven this morning,” Rose said, glancing over the rim of the spoon at John who pinkened slightly, wincing a little.

“Jeez, seriously?” John said. “Thought it was just the top half getting felt up…”

“No, you were kind enough to lavish attention on my backside as well,” Rose chuckled, earning a small nervous laugh from John.

“Yeah, about that...I literally never thought I would have to say these words to you the way I’m about to say them but I am sorry I woke up squeezing your boobs, Rose Lalonde,” John said with a sheepish shrug. “Won’t happen again.”

“Won’t it?” Rose said before thinking, licking her lips as she realized how dry they were.

“Well…of course not,” John chuckled, glancing down into the ice cream as he grabbed himself a big spoonful. “You don’t really want to wake up to me humping your butt and squeezing your boobs every morning, do you?”

The question was only half-rhetorical but John avoided Rose’s curious glances as she took a deep breath through her nose.

“Maybe not every morning,” Rose said quietly, purple eyes steered unwaveringly at John. “Some mornings though...”

The clouds broke outside, a brief flash of lighting passing through the white snowy drifts as John looked up at her, brow furrowed as he tried to piece together what she was saying.

“Uh…wait, what?” John said, blinking at Rose across the table.

“I’m just saying…I was awake for a few minutes before you woke up,” Rose said, licking her lips again.

“So you…knew?” John said, earning a nod from Rose. “And…if I didn’t wake up you would have-“

“Likely done nothing,” Rose said with a shrug. "As I said, it was _far_ from the worst way to wake up."

"Oh..." John's ears turned a brilliant shade of scarlet as he fought to clear his throat. "So you didn't move because..."

“I was…curious.” Rose said, glancing across the table at John, studying his expression carefully.

“Curious?” John echoed a little dumbly as Rose refused to let her gaze waver. The time for being coy was over; she wasn’t a girl anymore and if she wanted to go for something, she needed to be honest about it.

“You didn’t really think I needed you for the body heat last night, did you?” Rose said with a small smile, watching John’s dumbstruck expression as the only sound passing between them were their own slow careful breaths.

“I figured,” John said quietly, letting out a small sigh as though he had been holding his breath the entire conversation.

“And you stayed,” Rose said with a small nod. “Why?”

“…curious,” John said after a moment, echoing Rose’s sentiment.

“Curious as to what it was like to feel me up?” Rose said with a small laugh.

“Maybe,” John admitted, earning a small flush from Rose. “Like…I would be lying if I said that that hadn't crossed my mind at least once or twice."

“Really?” Rose asked, ankles crossed under the table.

“I mean, haven’t you?” John said, standing up from his chair and pacing over to the kitchen to get a bottle of water. "Not to toot my own horn here but you kinda just admitted that you enjoyed the sensation of rounding second base with me."

"Second?" Rose said, raising her eyebrow. "You were getting ready to run for third."

"Would you have let me?" John said, throat suddenly going a little scratchy as Rose picked a chocolate chip out of the ice cream. 

"Maybe," Rose said, glancing back at John. "If not right then then...maybe later?"

 _In the shower, on the bed, against the wall-_ Rose cut off her train of thought, watching John fiddle with the cap of his water anxiously.

"Right...so where does that leave... _us?"_ John said, gesturing between the two of them.

"You enjoy feeling me up, I enjoy being felt up by you, and both of us are currently taking our first dip in the polyamory pool," Rose said, ticking off on her fingers. "Sound about right?"

"Yeah...wow, sounds kind of cut and dry when you put it that way," John said, scratching the back of his neck.

“Just telling it like it is,” Rose said, smoothing her skirt as she stood up from her chair slowly, walking around the table over to where John stood with his back against the counter. “I can’t say I ever thought about anyone until-“

_I saw you fucking your girlfriend and wanted to see what the fuss was about._

“-Kanaya gave me permission,” Rose said, standing a few feet in front of John, hands behind her back as she looked up at him. Even in heels he towered over her by a good six inches; something she found strangely appealing.

“Same,” John said with a small shrug. “Never really gave serious thought to other girls until-“

_I watched you fucking yourself with a vibrator and wanted to give you a hand._

“-Vriska brought it up,” John said with a small cough, glancing down at Rose as a small tremor ran up his spine. The wind outside was picking up for some reason, sending the snow flying sideways in eddies and torrents of white. John’s fingers gripped the corner of the counter as Rose took another step closer, lower lip caught between her teeth.

“And now?” Rose asked. “What are you thinking about?”

Wasn’t that the million boonbuck question?

On one hand, it was Rose; best friend, film aficionada, and staunch ally in all things weirdly alien romantic. Bamming slamming bootylicious body notwithstanding, she was his oldest friend, met when they were just ten year olds on a Squiddle fan forum discussing the hidden symbolism in Plumbthroat’s Jolly Roger and listening to her theories about how Squiddles was a giant metaphor for capitalism in general. Part of him wondered if he would be gambling eight plus years of friendship on what could amount to be a fling that they would never come back from…

On the other hand it was _Rose_ ; first girl he could remember having a crush on and, again, bamming slamming bootylicious. He couldn’t deny that he was attracted to her in a way that went beyond the purely physical. He was attracted to the way she could sit perfectly still for hours typing stories no one would ever read. He was attracted to the way she managed to find completely bullshit symbolism in every movie they watched together, arguing that the _Fast and the Furious_ saga was a modern retelling of the epic of Gilgamesh with Paul Walker as the primordial Enkidu until John was laughing so hard he couldn’t breathe. He was attracted to the fact that she bought a crystal wizard on a whim even though she knew half the house would destroy it given the first chance.

After all they had been through together, after they spend two years on different planes of existence without speaking to one another and managed to pick up more or less where they left off, he couldn’t imagine something as simple as an affair splitting them up.

“Thinking about a lot of things,” John admitted after a moment, catching a glint in Rose’s eye as he realized the toes of her heels were close enough to brush against his bare feet. “I…I don’t know. Honest answer.”

“Understandable,” Rose conceded, tilting her head back and forth. “I suppose this is all just…theoretical.”

“Theoretical like physics,” John chuckled, watching Rose’s hands come to rest on either side of his on the counter as she leaned in a little. “Still in the ink and blueprint stage, you know?”

“Not even a prototype,” Rose said, heart fluttering as she caught the scent of his grapefruit scented bodywash. “Well…there’s really only one way to test our little theory, isn’t there?”

“Rigorous academic trial and error?” John laughed, shifting a little bit as Rose leaned in a little closer.

“More trial; less error,” Rose said, glancing up at John a scant few inches from his face.

"Might be a few errors," John said, fingers brushing against her arm hesitantly. "This...could all be one big error in the end."

"Somehow I seriously doubt that," Rose said, feeling her heart in her throat as her hand slowly went to his waist. For a moment, neither of them did anything. Their eyes locked, searching for any sign of distrust or unwillingness as they crept a little closer. A distant flash of lighting illuminated the pale white snow but neither of them seemed to be paying attention to the storm raging outside.

Rose’s hands tentatively reached out, resting on John’s chest. She thought she felt him tense for a second but let out a small chuckle as she realized he must have been flexing for her sake. Entirely unnecessary but still appreciated, Rose let her fingertips linger on his chest for a moment before pushing up, gripping his upper arms as she leaned in a little further.

She almost missed his mouth; at most she was used to leaning up a few inches to kiss Kanaya but she had to practically get on her tip toes and tug John’s head down to get within good kissing distance. She took a small breath through her nose, leaning forward just a little as her lips experimentally brushed against John’s. It was a split second of contact that had them both jerking back as though they had been shocked by something, blinking at each other as they fought to control their breathing. She could see from his expression that the barest hint of a kiss had the same effect on him that it did her and as her fingers glided up his neck, she could feel his pulse hammering away in time with hers.

Without speaking, she leaned back in, pressing a little harder this time as John’s lips moved against hers in soft, suckling motions that were more exploratory than anything else. This was hardly their first kiss but it would be the first one that counted; one not delivered post mortem and one heavy with promises of something better.

They had no frame of reference other than their own partners; no idea what they should be doing and for the most part, neither of them cared as one kiss bled into another in the dark of the kitchen. Rose savored the cool, chocolaty mint on his breath, tongue brushing across his as a small gasp of surprise escaped his nose. She laughed against his lips, breaking off and lightly bumping her forehead against his.

“Is this experiment to your satisfaction, Dr. Egbert?” Rose asked as John took a deep shuddering breath, shaking his head with a toothy grin.

“Thought a good experiment repeats results in all kinds of situations,” John said, hands resting on her hips through her trench coat. She tugged the straps on her coat, shucking it to the floor and leaving her in her white blouse, black pencil skirt, and black heels.

“Are you suggesting we change the variables?” Rose asked, glancing up at him as her fingers locked together behind his neck.

“Something like that,” John said, leaning forward and crushing Rose’s lips with his own. She fell back a little, supported by his touch as she sucked short, greedy breaths between kisses. She felt like she was spinning and in a moment, she quite literally was. She let out a small yelp as John effortlessly lifted her, spun her around and placed her on the counter behind him without breaking lip contact. The simple act of being picked up and carried with such effortless ease was a new thrill for her; she was going to have to find ways to take advantage of that in the future. Even sitting on the countertop, John was still tall enough to kiss her without leaning up too much, hands still resting lightly on her hips and occasionally opening his eyes to check her reaction to what he was doing.

It was typical Egbert; only John would be so cautious after waking up with a handful of naked flesh. She decided to give him a little encouragement, leaning down a little more and placing her hands on either side of his face to direct him a little better. The tips of her fingers traced the faintest hint of stubble along his freshly shaved jawline, feeling his pulse settle into a steady state of arousal as he leaned forward a little more, hands pressing down on the counter on either side of her hips for leverage. There was nothing urgent or particularly erotic about the way their lips softly brushed against one another, moving like climbers traversing a particularly treacherous looking cliff face. The way up was clear but it was steady going, moving from kiss to tenuous kiss, slowly grasping at whatever purchases they could find. It was more of a test than a hot sloppy makeout; there would be time for all the sloppy makeouts in the world if they ever managed to kiss one another without peeking through their eyelashes.

To be fair, they were getting a little better, no longer looking to gauge their partner’s reactions. After the eighth or ninth kiss (Rose wasn’t particularly counting) she felt his hands settle on her waist, pinky fingers resting on the hem of her pencil skirt as her arms wound around his neck, tugging him closer to her. She felt his mouth grow a little surer with each passing kiss, taking more of a direct approach as she let him explore her body. Her mouth opened in a small sigh, allowing his tongue to push past her teeth in a move that nearly caused her to lose her grip around his neck and fall backwards.

“Gotcha,” John panted, hands slipping behind her back as she righted herself by gripping the back of his shirt and tugging as he slid back, head slipping out of the neck hole as he let his shirt fall around his forearms. He let out a small chuckle as Rose’s hands slid down, fingertips lightly raking across his chest. “I see someone’s eager to get me topless.”

“You felt my naked breasts this morning,” Rose said with a small waggle of her eyebrows. “Only fair that I get to do the same, no?”

“Hey, not gonna stop you,” John said, holding his hands up. “Grope ahoy.”

“With gusto,” Rose said, leaning in and splaying her fingers across his bare chest as she pressed her mouth against his a little more insistently. His hands slid up her back, one threading through her hair while another rested on the small of her back, scooting her butt forward a little as her legs unconsciously parted. Her heels fell to the floor with a pair of identical clacks as she slowly ran a stocking clad foot up and down the back of John’s leg, resisting the urge to wrap her legs around his hips for all of ten seconds before John let out a small yelp of surprise as Rose’s legs curled around his waist, pulling him towards her suddenly as his arms wrapped around her waist.

“Too fast?” Rose asked, earning another brief kiss from John as she felt herself sliding off the counter, supported by his arms as he took a few steps backwards and landed in a chair with a small creaking sound. Rose let her legs drop back against the ground as John sat back breathing so hard that his glasses were fogged up.

“What?” John asked, looking over the rim of his glasses as Rose bit back a small laugh. He glanced down at his glasses with a small chuckle. “Things are getting steamier than I thought they would.”

“Sign that these need to go,” Rose said, taking his glasses off and placing them on the table behind him. The brief lull in frenetic kissing gave them a time to look at each other with shy, disbelieving smiles tugging at the corners of their mouths. They had crossed an unspoken line in their friendship from where there was no return and were surprised to find no trepidation waiting for them on the other side. She didn't feel awkward straddling his hips or planting kisses on him; the new relationship giddies had no expectations attached and neither one of them felt like they had to put on a show for the other. After all this time, she simply wanted him as he was...just with less clothes on.

“So…what now?” John asked, glancing up at Rose with a curious expression. His hands slid up her shirt, hips rocking up a little as his fingers lightly touched the top button on her blouse.

"Wait," Rose said suddenly, stopping his hand from unfixing the button.

"Too fast?" John said, looking up at her worriedly.

"No just..." Rose glanced over the top of his head, hands wresting on his shoulders as she bit her lip thoughtfully. "I _really_ don't want to do this on a kitchen chair that sounds like it's going to break if we sit on it any longer."

"Oh, dang, right," John said, standing up and guiding them to their feet as Rose kept her fingers securely around his neck. "How do you want to do this?"

Rose was silent for a moment, head pressed against his chest as her gaze fell on the bags in the entryway. 

"Go to your room," Rose said after a moment, looking up at a very confused John.

"Uh...okay?" John said, scratching the back of his neck. "If this is some kind of mommy kink for you then-"

"No!" Rose laughed, pressing her lips against his chest. "No I just...I need to take care of something. Just...wait for me upstairs in your- _no..._ wait for me in the guest bedroom overlooking the backyard."

"You know I cleaned my room after Vriska packed," John said.

"I know it's just...I'll explain when I get there," Rose said with a small nod. "Ten minutes...don't start without me."

John nodded, reluctantly disengaging as Rose stepped back, watching him climb the stairs as she leaned back against the counter, taking a deep breath and making her way towards her room, pausing to pick up the pink bag as she went.

If she was being honest, she could have taken him there and then on the kitchen table but she spent more money than she ever had on underwear and wanted to see the look on John's face when she walked through the door to their new room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Orky Voice] ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO, ERE WE GO
> 
> Yes I'm continuing to be a tease but I wanted to give the Great Grimdorks Bangarang 2015 its own chapter(s) so now there is LITERALLY NOTHING STANDING IN THE WAY OF UNADULTERATED SMUT. WALL OF FLUFFSMUT AHEAD!
> 
> ERE WE GO ERE WE GO ERE WE GO


	10. Sub Rosa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which sex.

The fact of the matter was that Rose Lalonde didn’t really need an eight bedroom, five and a half bathroom mini mansion tucked away on five acres of Upstate New York real estate. She certainly didn’t need it two years ago when she moved in with Kanaya and she barely needed it now that another couple had moved in. Indeed, she could safely shack up most of her extended friend circle and still have one or two rooms left over for weekend guests. It was something of an impulse buy and a means of throwing a couple million dollars away in an initial fit of retail therapy and once or twice before John and Vriska moved in Rose considered reselling it to a family who would get better use out of it.

She was extremely grateful now that she didn’t, having finally found a purpose for at least two more rooms in a fit of erotically fueled inspiration.

A small chill ran down her spine as her lightly covered feet slowly made their way down the hallway. Whether it was from the cold or the anticipation, Rose could hardly say; her current lack of attire made both very likely culprits. She caught a glimpse of herself in the mirror of the open bathroom, stopping to turn this way and that in the dim, failing light of the setting sun. She tucked a strand of hair behind her ear giving her reflection a reassuring nod as she continued down the hallway, padding towards the light at the end of the hall where John was waiting for her.

_John was waiting for her._

The thought sent a shiver through her that couldn’t be mistaken for the cold even if it was sub-zero in the house. She never doubted or had any regrets about her relationship with Kanaya; not during the game and certainly not after. If there was one good thing about the complete and total destruction of two universes it was that Rose had the chance to meet possibly the only woman she would ever love (that and immortality, fabulous wealth, and a treasure trove of superpowers for herself and her closest friends). But a very tiny part of her (tiny until recently) was always curious at the white space where the rest of her and John’s story might have gone before she met Kanaya. She was never one for regrets and certainly didn’t regret her choices in the past but she couldn’t help but _wonder_ about roads untaken.

Now John wasn’t so much the road untaken as he was another lane in a two lane highway that Rose was looking forward to weaving into at sixty miles an hour, top off and hair blowing in the wind.

Approaching the door to the guest room, she lingered on the threshold to peer through the crack in the door. Through the sliver, she saw John’s back lit by lamplight, standing with his back to the door as he attempted to make sense of his perpetually windswept hair. He had such an intent look on his face that Rose almost felt bad about having to make a complete mess of it.

 _Almost_ being the operative word.

Rose took a deep, steadying breath, licking her lips a little as she gently pressed against door with one hand. She had chosen this particular room for a reason; she was fully aware of the full length mirror opposite the door and counted on John fussing about his hair before she arrived. She may have been the tamest of the Strilonde siblings but the familial flair for the dramatic was something that she couldn’t really repress (not that she tried).

So as the door opened, she was pleased to see her entirely too-elaborate scheme had paid off in the best possible way. The door slowly swung open and she caught both John’s reflection in the mirror and her own standing just behind him. Her lips curled into a self-satisfied grin as John’s frenetic hair fluffing stopped, eyes all but bugging out of his eye sockets and mouth hanging slightly agape. When asked what kind of look she was going for, Rose told the attendant at the mall boutique that she “ _wanted to make her boyfriend look like a cro-magnon who just discovered the secret of fire_ ” and while Rose had her reservations about the outfit, it apparently delivered where it counted.

John’s eyes traced up the nearly sheer black stockings with purple trim as she took a small step into the room, trailing up to where they stopped mid thigh. He passed up her naked thighs to a frilly black lace mini skirt garter belt frilled with dark purple trim that did more to draw attention to her naked body than it did to hide it. Her bare stomach fluttered a little as he looked at her, arms crossing over her waist and drawing attention to the long, elbow length gloves the same color of her stockings. From there it was onto the nearly sheer black and purple bra and John suppressed a small laugh as between Rose’s breasts was a small, purple, lacy-

“Rose?” John chuckled, running a hand through his hair nervously as he hoped that his boxer-briefs wouldn’t split in half before he even touched her.

“It spoke to me,” Rose said, plucking at the purple rose clasp that held her bra together in the front. She took another step forward, turning around and hiking her skirt up as she savored the small, strangled groan that squeaked out of John’s mouth. She suspected that John was weak to lacy thong type attacks and judging by how far his underwear was straining out, she knew she had struck him in a soft spot.

“Felt like doing something a little…special,” Rose said, turning back around and holding her arms behind her back expectantly. “Not every day you take your best friend to bed for the first time, now is it?”

“No complaints,” John squawked, clearing his throat. “Would you be offended if I wolf-whistled right now?”

“This set cost more than my entire underwear drawer including the drawers themselves; I would be offended if you didn’t wolf whistle,” Rose said, barely suppressing a laugh as John put both index fingers in his mouth and let out a low whistle. She spun around a few times, feeling any nervousness she had dissipate like champagne bubbles as she closed the distance between them, stopping just short of being poked in the stomach with John’s eager length.

“Think I owe Kanaya a thank you when she gets back,” John said, hand reaching out and tentatively touching the hem of her lacy mini skirt.

“Kanaya didn’t pick this out for me,” Rose said, pressing a smooth, velvety finger against John’s chest and trailing it down along his stomach. “ _I_ picked this out for _us_.”

“Today?” John said, raising a brow. “Wow…someone was confident they could get me into bed~”

“Please,” Rose said, raising her other hand to cup John’s cheek with a taunting smile. “You never stood a chance, John.”

He never did; he never stood a chance in the almost ten years that he had known Rose and it hadn’t sunk in just how hopelessly weak he was to Light-types until he was practically drooling over Rose’s half naked body. Part of him had known that if he had stayed and talked to Rose that morning they would have ended up screwing on the chair in front of the fire if she asked. But this was better; so much better. He had an empty house for the next week and Rose Lalonde had practically giftwrapped herself and delivered herself to his bed.

“So…where did we leave off down there?” Rose said, tapping her lips with one finger as she slipped another in the hem of John’s underwear. She tugged him closer, hands sliding on his hips as she guided him back to sit on the bed. “I seem to recall you were sitting like _this_ …and I-“

Carefully, Rose swung her knees on either side of John’s hips, brushing against the tip of his bulge with a small chuckle as John’s hands rested on the back of her thighs, sliding up and giving her ass a firm squeeze.

“-was sitting like this,” Rose said, wrapping her arms around John’s neck and leaning back to look at him. She reached a hand up to brush a lock of hair away from his forehead, biting her lip as she settled down on his waist. “Now where were we…ah, yes…”

Rose cupped the back of John’s neck, tilting his head and pressing her lips against his in a deep, hungry kiss that he returned in kind, fingers threading through her short blonde locks. Innocent exploration had been put aside; they knew where they stood and what they wanted. They lingered against each other’s mouths, savoring the taste of hot, shaking lips. Rose trembled softly in excitement as his mouth pressed against her tightly, gorging himself on the taste of her as though he would never kiss her again.

It was then, lingering in that kiss that seemed to last all night, that Rose realized that the tension that thrummed between her and John like a guitar string was so much older than she expected. She wondered how long it had lurked in the background of their friendship, biding its time and gathering strength. She felt drunk and dizzy as she did when she first kissed Kanaya only this time without the influence of alcohol. It was the heady, tipsy high of wanting something for so long and finally getting it only to find out that it was better than she expected. Eyes screwed shut, she concerned herself with nothing other than the sensation of John’s lips against hers.

John’s hands lifted the front of her miniature skirt-garter up as Rose’s hips rocked against his. They hadn’t realized how little they were wearing until only a few scant millimeters separated third base from a home run. That shiver of realization was heightened as she felt John’s fingers sliding up her back, sliding along the gauzy back strap of her bra as his kisses became less and less focused.

“Looking for something?” Rose panted, leaning back and almost laughing at the look of perplexed concentration on John’s face as he tried and failed to find the bra clasp behind Rose’s back.

“Starting to wonder how you got this on in the first place,” John chuckled, biting his lip.

“Would you like a hint?” Rose asked, leaning forward and tilting John’s head down until he was staring at the purple rose clasp between her breasts.

“Yes, those are nice, but I’m trying to get them out right _ohhhhhh_ ,” John said, flicking the rose a little bit with his finger. “Clever.”

“Took me a while to find something attractive _and_ practical,” Rose said, inhaling a little as she felt the clasp disengage under John’s touch.

“Just like you are,” John said, lips brushing the exposed crest of her breast as he slowly tugged her bra down her shoulders. Rose gave him a hand, slipping her bra off her shoulders with a quick shimmy before folding her arms under the shelf of her breasts, looking down at him expectantly as John licked his lips.

“Are you trying to flatter me Mr. Eg- _ah_!” Rose sucked in a sharp breath, hands wrapping around the back of John’s neck while his head dipped down, lips parting and planting a kiss on the tip of her breast. Her hips popped forward involuntarily, grinding against his bulge as John’s free hand kneaded Rose’s other breast. She hadn’t thought that she’d begin and end her day with her breasts in John’s hands but as she draped her arms around his shoulders, chin resting on top of his head, she thought she might have finally done something right to end up in such a lovely situation twice in less than twelve hours.

“Alright, Lalonde?” John asked, glancing up. Rose nodded, looking down as John’s lips left a slick wet glistening patch of skin on her right breast. She gave an emphatic nod, head returning to the top of John’s head as his mouth switched over, lavishing attention on her other breast with careful kisses, suckles, and an occasional pass of his tongue that caused Rose’s breath to hitch involuntarily. Her hands splayed down against his chest for a moment before a wave of realization caused her to chuckle a little.

“You know I just realized…my experience with boys isn’t what you would call… _experience_ ,” Rose said, leaning her head back as John looked up at her for a moment.

“Hey, my experience with human girls isn’t what you’d call “experience” either,” John chuckled, glancing up at her a little shyly.

“Minus the horns, there’s really no meaningful difference,” Rose said, glancing down John’s stomach to the dark bulge that had lifted the corner of her skirt-garter. “But I’m afraid I’m not all that used to handling…this.”

She ran a gloved finger down John’s stomach, gently pressing him back on the bed a little as she pressed a fingertip against the tip of the bulge in his boxers. His stomach twitched involuntarily, hands gripping her backside as she pressed gently on the underside of his head, pressing his length up until the tip of it poked out of the waistband of his boxers.

“R-really not much to it,” John said a little hoarsely, licking his lips and lifting his hips a little as Rose tugged the front of his underwear down, watching inch after inch slide into view before it sprang forward a little, balancing between them as Rose tentatively pressed a silky smooth glove against the tip.

“I wouldn’t imagine you need much warming up, do you?” Rose asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear as a sudden impulse irked her. She pressed a kiss against John’s lips, gently disengaging his hands from her waist as she slowly slid off the bed, legs shaking a little as she slid to the floor in front of him. He leaned forward, propped up on his elbows and glanced down at her as she came eye to eye with the tip of his shaft. She gave a wordless glance up at John who nodded as if to give her his permission.

“Fair warning; I may not be all that proficient at this,” Rose said, licking her lips as John shuffled a little farther off the bed, feet touching the ground. “But in the spirit of trying new things…”

“Like I said, there’s really not much to _iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit_!” John yelped as Rose’s lips parted, sliding forward and gently pressing her lips against his tip.

“I can see that,” Rose said, leaning back for a moment and planting a kiss on John’s head that sent a shiver passing through him as he gripped the sheets tightly. She was happy that such little effort seemed to elicit such a favorable response from John because it was apparent to her now that object she saw in the mirror were considerably larger than they appeared. She gently wrapped her fingers around his base, brow furrowing as she wondered if she was biting off more than she could chew (she mentally kicked herself for using a biting metaphor in such a situation).

At the same time, the image of Vriska kneeling in the shower, head bobbing back and forth and the quiet shivers that ran through John’s body as she sucked him off refused to leave Rose’s mind as she wondered how she stacked up in comparison.

Her fingers spread out on his hips as she shuffled a little closer, knees splaying unconsciously as she tried to get a feel for how to best approach her task. John, for his part, was completely quiet as he looked down at her, red faced and breathing deeply through his nose as Rose leaned forward, lips parted and tip of her tongue sticking out ever so slightly. Taking a deep breath, she took the tip in her mouth, grunting softly as she slipped further a few inches.

“ _Ah_!” John yelped, wincing a little and nearly jumping as Rose pulled back a little.

“Something wrong?” Rose asked, pulling back and looking up at him curiously.

“T-teeth,” John chuckled, looking down at her through one cracked eye as Rose’s face flushed crimson.

“Oh my god,” Rose groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose with a small laugh. “And here I was just thinking I had bitten off more than I could chew.”

“Seriously?!” John snorted, shaking his head. “Don’t go thinking about biting things when you got your mouth on my-“

“Sorry, sorry,” Rose said, holding her hands up. “I told you I didn’t know how to work with this kind of thing…”

“It happens,” John shrugged, brushing a lock of hair out of Rose’s face. “Think there’s something of a…learning curve involved.”

“Quite a curve,” Rose said, looking back down at John glistening member, still slick and warm from her mouth. A small shudder passed through her as she was suddenly aware that she accidentally bit down on her oldest friend’s penis in the middle of sucking him off. The thought sent a hot spike of arousal shooting down from her stomach past the waistband of her panties that she realized were not designed to be worn for any extended period of time.

“If you couldn’t tell, I don’t exactly need a whole lot of prep work,” John chuckled, scratching the side of his flushed cheeks. “I think that outfit of yours manage to do the trick the minute I saw you walk in.”

“Glad to know my money was well spent,” Rose said, glancing up at him with a small pink flush.

“Besides…not really fair that I’m the only one bottomless here,” John said, shifting his hips a little as Rose suddenly felt a small pang of nervousness that she fought down by standing up slowly, catching John’s hands to bring her to her feet. Her hands dipped under her skirt before John’s hands reached out to stop her.

“Wait,” He said, looking a little apprehensive. “Can I um…”

Rose caught his meaning, cupping her breasts self-consciously as she gave him a small nod. Slowly, he wobbled to his feet, fingertips skirting under the lace of her skirt for a moment as he pressed a surprisingly soft kiss against her lips, lingering for a moment before he slid around the other side of her. She was about to turn to follow him but the sensation of his hands slipping beneath the hem of her skirt as he slowly knelt behind her stopped her as did the sensation of his lips pressing against her bare shoulder. She let out a small sigh, arching into every kiss as he trailed down her spine and gasping a little as he caught the hem of her underwear in his teeth, tugging it back and letting it snap against her bottom.

“Couldn’t just tug them down, could we?” Rose laughed, squeaking softly as his lips pressed against her exposed rear.

“Not all of us look so good in lace and satin,” John said, hands gently kneading Rose’s backside as she craned her neck back to look at him. “Just want to appreciate the effort for a little longer.”

“Appreciate away; just be careful with those,” Rose said, turning back around. “I think a stiff breeze could tear them in half.”

“How much would you kick me if I made a “stiff breeze” pun right now?” John asked.

“If you’re going to make it; don’t stand behind my leg,” Rose responded. “I can’t promise I won’t completely knock you- _John_!”

Rose yelped, popping up onto the balls of her feet as John’s teeth lightly nipped the soft skin beneath the waistband of her thong. She arched back around to see John grinning up at her, lips still fastened to her backside.

“Was that payback for earlier?” Rose asked, arching an eyebrow. “Because if you intended that to be unpleasant, I’m afraid you didn’t quite succeed.”

“Just testing to see if a certain rumor was true,” John said, meeting Rose’s eyes with a curious glance.

“What, the rumor that I have a biting fetish because I’m dating a vampire?” Rose said, narrowing her eyes at John.

“Evasiveness is a sign of mental distress, Rose,” John said, pressing a kiss to the bright red circle he lightly nipped before.

“When we’re done here I’m going to need names,” Rose said softly. She almost informed him that Kanaya bit much harder than he did but she stopped herself before she did. There would be no discussion of their girlfriends while they were together (Rose added that to a mental list of boundaries and conditions she had mused over while she was getting ready).

“Of course, of course,” John said, fingers slipping beneath the waistband of her underwear. “For now though…”

“For now…” Rose echoed, half-suppressing a soft moan as she felt the thin material of her underwear slip out from beneath her skirt and slowly start to slide down her legs. She wasn’t oblivious to the soft sigh of appreciation that came from behind her as John struggled to get her underwear off and lift up her skirt at the same time. Rose rolled her eyes, reaching behind her and disengaging the clasp that held her skirt up, hips swaying ever so slightly as John slowly worked the thong down her thighs.

“You know,” Rose said, leaning forward a little. “There’s a certain rumor floating around about you as well.”

“I think I can guess what that is,” John said, softly squeezing Rose’s exposed butt as she stepped out of her underwear. Before he could kiss/bite it again, Rose reached back, grabbing his hand and tugging him forward as made her way over to the edge of the bed. He crawled a few steps behind her before standing as she slid up onto the bed, flipping onto her back and propping herself up on her elbows.

“I like having my ass kissed as much as the next person but I’m not really in any kind of mood to do anything for the next hour or so that isn’t going to lead to some kind of mutual climax,” Rose said, hands still cupping her breasts as she stretched out on the mattress and watched John slip his underwear off his hips onto the floor. She watched him crawl up onto the bed, teeth clenched around her bottom lip as she held his gaze for a long moment. Rose’s brow furrowed for a moment as he paused halfway up her body, looking up at her with a half-hungry look in his eye as he dipped his head down, pressing his lips against her neatly trimmed blonde curls.

“I said _mutual_ climax,” Rose panted, sucking in breath as his lips dipped down to press a soft kiss against her soft, wet sex. “I fail to see how you derive any enjoyment out of this.”

“Then you don’t know me as well as you _think_ you do,” John said, eyebrows waggling as his tongue passed over his lips. She caught his eye for a half second before she felt his tongue swipe across her throbbing clit. She sucked in a sharp breath, hips popping off the mattress involuntarily. John’s hands slid back to cup her bottom as it flopped back against the bed. Rose’s chest rose and fell sharply, stomach fluttering a little as she stared up at the ceiling through half lidded eyes. The tip of John’s tongue targeted the soft, aching head of her clitoris relentlessly as she writhed on the bed beneath him. She fought back a small moan, hand sliding down to tangle in his hair, pressing his face down as she wrapped her legs around his sides, feet resting on the small of his back as she ground into every pass of his tongue, every wet sticky kiss he pressed against her dripping lips.

Rose let out a small squeal as she felt John’s fingers lightly prod her opening, blue eyes flickering up to gauge her reaction.

“Don’t _tease_ me,” Rose panted, looking down as John raised his head. “You know what I want and it’s _not_ your fingers.”

Rose’s feet pressed against his bottom, urging him up as John planted one last kiss against her nether lips before crawling up, blue eyes locked with purple until he hovered over her, hands pressed on either side of her shoulders. She leaned up and kissed him, moaning softly as she tasted her own lust on his lips. John wiggled up to his knees, glancing back down between his legs as Rose wrapped her arms around his neck.

For a moment, neither of them moved, foreheads pressed together and small, disbelieving smiles tugging at the corners of their lips as if they couldn’t quite believe this was real. John’s hips slid forward and Rose felt something hot and hard press tentatively against her sex before John let out a small gasp.

“Shit!” He said, popping up a little. “Condoms!”

He turned to go but Rose held tightly, snaking her legs around his hips and turning his chin to face her.

“Next time,” Rose panted, pushing his hair out of his face and looking him dead in the eye. “And the time after that and the time after that if you like…not tonight.”

“Rose-“

“At the risk of sounding thirstier than an alcoholic in a monastery, I’ve spent the last forty-eight hours in a state of barely restrained lust and the absolute _last_ thing I want right now is for anything to come between us,” Rose said emphatically, arms locking around John’s neck. “Any objections?”

As if to answer, John silenced her with another deep, lingering kiss as she felt him slide back into position. She guided him forward without breaking the kiss, eyes popping open as she slowly felt him slipping inside her. She grunted softly into his mouth, flopping back against the pillows and clutching at the sheets as John looked down at her concerned.

“You okay?” He asked, hand cupping one side of her face.

“Fine,” Rose breathed, blushing in spite of herself. “Just…used to the knock offs, that’s all. The…genuine article is a bit of a new sensation for me.”

“You want me to stop or-“

“No!” Rose said a little louder and a little squeaker than she intended. “No just…let me get my breath for a moment.”

Rose leaned back, taking a deep breath before egging his hips on further with her legs wrapped around his waist. She bit her lip as she slowly felt him slip deeper and deeper inside of her, counting each passing inch with small, needy, and completely undignified whines, sobs, and moans. She wrapped her arms around his chest, burying her face in the crook of his neck as he finally bottomed out inside of her, tip brushing against something deep inside that tugged out a small squeak from her throat.

“You good?” John asked, panting hard in her ear. Rose pressed a kiss against his cheek, fingers running through his hair as she nodded against his shoulder.

“Lovely,” Rose sighed, wrapping her legs around his waist and pulling him in a little deeper. She gasped a little as John rocked his hips against hers slightly, panting a little as he adjusted to the mildly unfamiliar sensation. He had been with Vriska like this but that was…well _Vriska_. At the risk of sounding tautological, Rose was Rose and Vriska was Vriska and while he was currently _surrounded_ by one he wasn’t going to spend much time thinking of the other. 

“I’m gonna…uh…get started,” John coughed, wiggling his hips as an airy chuckle rolled out of Rose’s lips.

“By all means,” She whispered, sucking in a little air as she looked down, watching him arch up inch after inch until he was nearly out of her. He paused for a moment, taking a deep breath before slowly slipping back forward, easing back into her gently as they slowly got the feel for one another. Her fingers wrapped around the backs of his arms, feeling his triceps tense as he settled down against her. As impatient as she was, she knew there would never be another first moment between them again. So she savored the slow, careful way their hips bucked up against one another, watching John through her eyelashes as she was certain he was watching to see how every twisting arch of his hips was affecting her. She wasn’t shy about letting him know how he was doing; nothing good ever came of faking it and she wasn’t about to start with John.

To his credit, he never gave her an opportunity to do so.

She removed a hand from his arms as he arched back, intending to give him a hand in both a literal and metaphorical sense when she felt the flat of his thumb brush across her clit as he slid back into her with a little more vigor. She let out a small yelp as he drew back and slammed forward with more force than before, eyes flying open and back arching a little as she accommodated the sudden force with which he entered her. Even when she toyed around with herself in the shower, she was always a little skittish about going too quickly or using too much force. The sensation of going from empty to completely full in a split second sent a strange spike of adrenaline rushing through her as she was touched in a way she had never managed to touch herself before. She realized she must’ve had such a look of naked satisfaction in her eyes because John’s face split into a grin, leaning down and smothering a low moan with a deep, lingering kiss. Her legs wrapped around the back of his thighs, gasping for breath as their kiss broke and he pulled back and pushed forward again, slowly increasing his tempo while his thumb applied essential pressure between her legs.

_Bump. Bump. Bump. Bump._

Slowly, the headboard began lightly knocking against the wall behind them as John braced himself against the mattress for more leverage. His long, languid strokes became more intent as he seemed to be driving at something that made Rose all but purr in the most amazing way. This was a side of his oldest friend that he had never seen before, flushed down to her breasts, breathing hard and not at all shy about making how she felt about having him so deep inside her apparent. Her back arched a little and in a fit of inspiration, John snagged a pillow from the head of the bed and slid it under the small of her back for a little more leverage. Rose was perplexed for a split second until he resumed his pace and began hitting her sweet spot with increased reliability. She let out a small laugh, closing her eyes and letting her head fall back against the pillow as she let him do the bulk of the work as he was so intent on doing. She continued to meet every thrust with a rising of her own hips but other than that she was content to let John fuck her at his leisure, enjoying the direction he was taking and giving him free reign to set the pace.

There was implicit trust between them such that John knew that Rose would let him know if he was doing something wrong. So for his part, he kept at it with the occasional guidance from Rose. _Hands here, mouth there, move your hips a little up, right there, harder, faster, **harder**._ He obeyed every subtle command with gusto, lip caught between his teeth as he tried not to let the sensation of hot, wet, Rose Lalonde overwhelm him. His fingers were growing wetter and wetter as they continued to massage Rose with every thrust, his hand slick with her desire as her breathing became more and more erratic.

“Mmnhh…John…John I-“ Rose’s train of thought was derailed as she felt something building up inside she had been waiting on for what seemed like days. “J-John I’m not going to last much-“

Something snapped inside Rose like a piano wire that was tightened to the point of breaking. Her hands grabbed his wrists, eyes flying open as her mouth quivered in a soundless gasp that shook her entire body. Her hips twitched, bucking into John’s with such erratic frequency as she felt an airy giggle escape her throat. Leave it to John to make her laugh while making her cum but she found it hard to keep her voice down as spasm after spasm of pleasure ripped through her body to a mental stream of _yes yes yes yes yes yes yes **yes**!_

She was acutely aware of his lips on her neck as it seemed as though every atom of hers thrummed in satisfaction as though she were a string that had been plucked. She sucked in greedy breaths, slowly slumping back against the mattress as John slowly sunk on top of her, chuckling and saying something that Rose didn’t quite understand.

“Beg your pardon?” She said after a moment, panting and looking up at him as he propped himself up on an elbow to look at her with a fond smile on his face.

“I asked how I stacked up,” John said, slipping out of her with a wet pop as Rose wiped her hot, sweaty forehead with the back of her gloved hand.

“Ask me again when I’m capable of coherent though,” Rose said, reaching down between her legs and lightly touching her wet, sensitive sex. “Mmnh…congratulations…you made a wet giggling mess out of me…”

“Anytime,” John said, pressing a quick kiss against her lips. “You’re really cute when you get off, you know that?”

“You know most men flatter girls _before_ they try and sleep with them,” Rose chuckled, rolling lazily onto her side as she pressed herself against John in a light embrace. “Not afterw…”

Rose trailed off as it appeared that there was some unfinished business between them.

“Hello?” Rose reached down, finger lightly pressing against John’s still throbbing head. “Did you not…”

“Yeah that happens sometimes,” John said, scratching the back of his neck. “Kinda used to going a while and if I got off earlier-“

“You got off earlier?” Rose asked, glancing up at him as he appeared to be embarrassed suddenly.

“Uh…yeah,” John said sheepishly. “Full disclosure…I may have used my subliminal boob-grab as inspiration…”

“How… _flattering_ ,” Rose said, softly running her finger around the head of John’s cock. “But I can’t very well leave this like this now can I?”

Before John could say anything else, Rose slid backwards a little, rolling over and lightly putting her feet on the floor to test for weight. Her legs felt a little wobbly still and she doubted she would be walking straight for the rest of the week but she slowly wobbled to her feet, running her hands through her hair as she glanced back at John on the bed.

“If you don’t mind the wait, I think I have an idea that might benefit the both of us~” Rose said, swinging her hips a little as John slowly made to get off the bed. “No…no just stay put…I’ll be right back.”

John watched Rose scamper out of the room, listening to her go down the hall and down the stairs. He thought he heard the bathroom door open and the sound of bags rustling but before he could go investigate, he heard her coming back down the hall and before long she appeared in the doorway, hands behind her back and looking down at him with a hungry expression.

“I…was wondering if you wouldn’t mind helping me scratch a rather hard to reach itch,” Rose said, dropping a clear bottle of lubricant and a towel down on the mattress.

“Hard to reach?” John asked, sitting up a little as he reached for the lubricant bottle.

“Mmm…yes,” Rose said, crawling back onto the bed as she rolled over onto her hands and knees. “It’s a rather…peculiar itch I’ve never asked anyone to help me with. I would understand if you wouldn’t be up to the task but I was wondering if you might…”

She settled her hips down onto a pillow, propping her ass up into the air as she watched a hot, red wash of realization take over John’s face.

“W-wait, you want me to…um…” John said, squeezing the bottle of lubricant so hard the cap popped off.

“Take the place of my green toy,” Rose said, narrowing her eyes at John. “I believe you remember how I was using it in the shower?”

Of course he remembered; that image was burned perpetually into John’s brain. Head back, chest heaving, left hand teasing herself between her legs while her right hand slowly pumped her green toy in and out of her-

“Yeah…yeah, okay…” John said, glancing down at the lubricant bottle. He tipped the bottle over and poured a generous amount on the tip of his cock, watching the clear liquid trickle down and wet him from head to base after a few quick pumps with his hand. He shivered as Rose raised her hips a little, left hand reaching back to gently pull her cheeks back and expose his target. He slowly knelt behind her on shaking legs, tongue wetting his dry lips as he slowly squeezed some more lubricant on his fingers. Glancing down at Rose who simply nodded in encouragement, John reached forward, spreading Rose’s other cheek apart with his free hand and slowly prodding her from behind with the tip of a lubricated finger.

The effect was immediate for both of them. Rose’s back arched as her muscles tightened around the tip of John’s finger as she felt him slowly slip inside, inch by exquisitely slow inch. She had only ever used her own fingers for this and should have known John’s would be something of an adjustment. Breathing hard, she tried to relax but found that incredibly difficult when one of her most lurid fantasies was on the verge of being fulfilled. For John, he was almost as excited as she was, lightly parting Rose’s rear entrance with a second well lubricated finger and watching it disappear as Rose let out a low groan, head bowed and legs shaking a little. He soon had both fingers in up to his third knuckle and his cock was soon twitching at the prospect of replacing them. But this wasn’t something to be rushed and John reached up with his free hand, toying with Rose’s still sensitive sex as he continued to thrust in and out of her ass at a tortuously slow pace.

“Say when,” John panted as Rose’s breathing became increasingly shallower and more erratic.

“When…when… _fucking_ when,” Rose panted, gasping a little as John’s fingers slowly pulled back until they pulled free from her ass with a wet pop. He continued to tease her from the front as she felt him shift behind her, hands parting her bottom as she felt his slick tip lightly press against her rear. He was thicker than her toys; thicker than she anticipated but she knew he would stop if she said stop and she was still so addled with lust at the prospect of having her fantasies brought to life that she heedlessly gave John the go ahead, fingers gripping the sheets as she slowly felt him inch his way forward.

Rose’s teeth clenched around the pillow case, violet eyes going wide as she slowly felt him slip inside, millimeter by millimeter at a snail’s pace that nevertheless made her hips shake uncontrollably. His fingers slipped inside her from the front, relaxing her considerably as he steadily made his way inside her from behind.

“D-doing okay?” John grunted, bending over in exertion as Rose slowly pushed backwards with her hips.

“Mmmhmm,” Rose mumbled incoherently, gasping a little as she sunk backwards, taking more and more of him inside her as he pushed forward. She grunted a little as she felt him taper off and as he slid inside for the final few inches, she felt his tip lightly prod against something that his finger was stimulating from the front.

_Jackpot._

Rose didn’t even bother suppressing a long, low, sigh of pleasure that slipped from her mouth as John panted behind her. She eased her hips forward a little, pressing back against John as she relished an identical moan that came from his mouth. Rose pulled off one of her gloves with her teeth, slipping her hand down between her legs and edging John’s out of the way. She wanted both his hands on her waist for leverage and as her forehead touched the pillow in front of her, John gripped either side of her hips and slowly slid back a couple of inches.

John felt dizzy as Rose squeezed him for all he was worth. He could barely move inside her but every time he bottomed out, hips pressing against her soft, warm bottom, she gave a low purr as he felt her fingertip press up against him from the front. Taking a deep breath, John pulled his hips backwards as far as he could without leaving her and pressed forward with a little more speed. Rose squeaked around the pillow in her mouth, shoulders shaking as John slipped into a semi-steady rhythm. She was an absolute mess and knew she wouldn’t last very long; the allure of the forbidden was more than enough to push her halfway there and the way John was pumping in and out of her, it was only a matter of time before-

“Nngh, _fuck_!” John panted, eyes screwing shut as Rose edged herself closer and closer. “Rose I’m gonna-“

“ _Do it_ ,” Rose panted, pressing back against his hips as his strokes became longer and more purposeful. He gripped her hips as she pushed back against her g-spot; as they met in the middle they both felt a spark pass through them. John bottomed out in her, pressing into Rose from behind as her second climax shook her body. She felt something hot and wet flowing into her which only added to her enjoyment as she rode a hazy glowing wave of satisfaction.

That had taken care of him.

Rose wasn’t going to be the only sweaty mess and as John buried himself deep inside her, she relished the feeling of his shaking arms that barely held him up. She fell flat against the mattress and he fell with her, so completely boneless with pleasure that he couldn’t bring himself to move off, even if she wanted him to. And she didn’t; the sensation of him pressing down against her smaller body was both arousing and incredibly comforting. She was almost disappointed as he pulled back, flopping down on the bed beside her as he wiped himself off with the towel.

“One…itch…successfully…scratched,” John panted, head flopping back against the pillow as Rose used the last of her strength to roll over and snuggle up to his side. They clung together like survivors of the most amazing shipwreck in the world, panting hard as they struggled to stay awake.

“Yes…definitely…” Rose sighed softly, eyelids growing heavier and heavier as it was suddenly very apparent to her that she didn’t get much sleep the night before on the couch. She leaned up to kiss John on the cheek but didn’t quite make it as his shoulder looked so damned comfortable. She stopped to take a moment’s rest and soon sunk into a warm, post-orgasmic sleep as the last of the tension in her body slowly bled away into the night.

* * *

 John woke early the next morning to the sound of the door to the bedroom clicking shut.

He opened his eyes as he suddenly missed Rose's soft weight that had kept him warm throughout the night. Rose’s indent on the pillow was still fresh, warm, and scented with the lavender conditioner she had in every bathroom in the house. He resisted the urge to completely bury his face in the pillow beside him, rolling over as the events of the night slowly replayed in a flash of tangled lips and lips.

Somewhere in the back of his mind, his fourteen year old self was mentally high fiving him and doing the “I-Had-Sex-With-Rose-Lalonde-And-It-Was-Amazing” jig he has been practicing since hitting puberty.

He lay there for a few minutes, not really wanting to step out of the warm cocoon of tangled sheets into what was no doubt a chilly morning, especially if Rose was only popping out for a moment. After she was gone for several minutes, he slowly rolled over to put his feet on the ground, kicking his pants aside as he accidentally dragged half the blankets off the bed with him. He slipped out of the blankets, shivering as he waded through a sea of discarded clothing and slinky lingerie on the way to the bathroom just off the main bedroom. He needed a shower; actually, he needed another couple hours of sleep but he wasn’t about to go back to bed still sticky from the night before.

He still couldn’t quite believe that twenty four hours previously he was waking up in a panic after accidentally squeezing Rose’s breasts. He padded into the walk-in shower with a lazy stretch of his arms…while part of him wondered what (if any) the next step was for them. They kissed, they had sex, but they were both still very much committed to their girlfriends so he didn’t quite know exactly where he stood with her. Something to think about as he snatched a bottle of shampoo from the side shelf.

“Do you mind if I join you?”

John jumped a little, turning around to see Rose in a soft terrycloth bathrobe, bath caddy dangling from one hand as she caught his eye with a small smirk.

“I was reading something about impending water shortages this summer and it just seems _irresponsible_ of me to shower alone,” Rose said.

“Well…I mean, for the sake of the planet we really should-“ John trailed off as the purple robe dropped to the floor, eyes following Rose as she slipped under the water, twisting the knob a little to increase the heat. “Yeesh, you want to make pasta in here while you bathe?”

“Crawfish actually,” Rose said, ducking her head under the stream and wetting her hair with a small laugh. “Have to boil them alive otherwise they just get out and scurry all over the place.”

“Didn’t know you were such a seafood aficionado,” John said, hand reaching out for her but hanging back as she turned around to look at him. She must’ve noticed a little hesitation since she put a bottle of bodywash in his outstretched hand.

“Would you give me a hand with my back?” Rose offered, turning around into the spray as John’s eyes roamed over her naked back for a moment. There was a rude squirting noise and Rose yelped as the cold shower gel made contact with her warm skin. “Thank you~"

“Anytime…” John said, hands running along her sides as he tried and failed to not get aroused while he was trying to think straight. “So um…”

“Just got off the phone with Kanaya,” Rose said suddenly, arching into John’s massaging touch. “Told her I would keep her…abreast of the situation and I have.”

“Oh…good,” John said, coughing a little awkwardly. “What is the…situation?”

Rose was quiet for a moment before turning around, looking up at him with a small look of apprehension.

“As I understood it…we enjoyed one another’s company and were…planning on continuing to do so in the future,” Rose said, reaching out and tentatively laying a hand on his chest. “Was I presumptuous or-“

“No!” John said a little louder than he anticipated. “No I mean uh…yeah I was presuming something a little like that I just didn’t want to...uh…presume too hard.”

Rose laughed at his flustered expression, slowly sliding her hands up and reaching around the other side of his neck for a fluffy sponge she lathered with some of the body wash.

“No I think we’re rather on the same page here,” Rose mumbled, slowly working up a nice suds on his chest and shoulders as his hands continued to lather her back.

“So…Kanaya was cool with this?” John said, gesturing between them as he reached for the shampoo.

“Quite,” Rose said with a small nod, sighing as John began to work his fingers into her hair, digging into her scalp. “Though truth be told, she was rather preoccupied. Evidently there was some kind of drama with the world’s oldest twenty-five year old.”

“Oh…Eridan?” John asked. “I thought he didn’t go to those things.”

“Well he did and apparently there’s some sort of…kerfluffle,” Rose sighed, shaking her head. “She didn’t elaborate and I don’t think I want her to if I can be honest with you.”

“Trolls man,” John shrugged.

“Trolls, _man_ ,” Rose agreed, surprised at her ability to hold a casual conversation with John after he rode her like a runaway bronco not eight hours before. There was a relieving lack of post-sex awkwardness in spite of the fact (or perhaps because of the fact) that they had known each other for almost ten years now. The whole affair managed to strike the sweet balance between comfortable and exciting despite being still a little murky.

“So…what kind of thing do we have going on here?” John asked, brushing a wet strand of hair out of her face as she stared down at sponge working circles on his chest with a thoughtful smile.

“You may be the _only_ teenage boy who wants to jump right to the DTR conversation immediately after sleeping with someone,” Rose said.

“What can I say…I kind of like to know where I stand and this is definitely-“

“New,” Rose conceded as she made a great show of pondering their current situation."How to define... _this_. Well if I had to guess I would say that we’re in a...not _entirely_ platonic relationship based on mutual attraction and affection on both a sexual and emotional level.”

“O…kay sounds good so far…” John said, brow crinkling as Rose stepped back under the faucet to rinse her hair.

“Glad you agree,” Rose said, squirting some shampoo on her hands as she started to lather John’s head up. “Now…since we’re not going to be riding each other at all hours of our time together, I imagine we can spend some time engaging in mutually satisfactory hobbies. Perhaps taking in a film every now and then or sampling some of the local cuisine.”

“Gotcha,” John said with a small nod.

“And I can’t really speak for you but I don’t fancy myself taking any additional lovers-other than Kanaya of course-while we’re together,” Rose concluded.

“Hadn’t really planned on that eith-,” John frowned, looking up at the ceiling as he decoded Rose’s analysis. “So…we’re mostly exclusive romantic slash sexual partners that enjoy going out with one another and spending a lot of time together.”

“Yes, quite an anomaly,” Rose sighed, tapping her chin thoughtfully. “Don't know what it is; some kind of strange human quadrant I expect…”

“Uh-huh…because it kinda sounds we want to be…uh…boyfriend and girlfriend,” John chuckled, face flushing a little.

“I hadn’t thought of it that way,” Rose lied, tilting her head back and forth. “Well…if it barks like a dog and walks like a dog…right?”

He looked down as she wrapped her arms around his neck, watching the steam rise around them and the water roll down her body as she awaited a response. He was still unsure about how this whole situation was going to work but oddly enough, he was completely sure about two things; he loved Vriska and given the way things were going, he was probably going to fall in love with Rose as well.

And honestly…he was fine with that. Was it...conventional? Not at all. But it was apparently all consensual...no, more than that it seemed like all parties involved were on board with this new turn of events. He still imagined that there might be one or two awkward conversations with Kanaya (given that their choice in romantic partners was completely identical now) but other than that, John couldn't conceive of a reason why they shouldn't be whatever they wanted to be to one another.

“What’s the use of being a god if you can’t bend the rules a little?” John chuckled, leaning down to press a chaste kiss against her lips. "Who says you can't have a boyfriend _and_ a girlfriend?"

“I seem to recall the Greek pantheon being rather shameless in that respect,” Rose said.

“Well as long as we don't go all Aphrodite,” John laughed.

“We can get a _little_ Aphrodite, can’t we?” Rose said, sliding a wet leg between John’s and grinning at the small surprised gasp that fluttered out of his mouth.

“I think we got more than a little Aphrodite last night,” John said, sliding his hands down Rose’s sides and lightly squeezing her ass. “And I’m sure we’ll get a little bit more...aphrotastic before too long.”

“Is that a warning, Mr. Egbert?” Rose purred, yelping a little as John’s hands cupped the back of her thighs, lifting her and spinning her around in one motion until she lightly pressed against the wall, arms and legs wrapped around him as he pressed the tip of his nose against hers.

“No, Ms. Lalonde, that is a promise,” John said, tilting his head to the side and smothering her lips with a kiss as his hips slowly arched up against hers. “You know, if you want we can head back to my room or yours to-“

“Actually,” Rose said, looking down at him a little shyly. “I think I would much rather stay in our room.”

“ _Our_ room?” John leaned back with a small frown. “Where’s…”

His eyes glanced towards the bedroom door before looking back up to Rose who seemed to be a little embarrassed with herself.

“It’s something of a silly notion,” Rose said, biting her lip. “But I thought…well…Kanaya and I share a room and you and Vriska share a room…I just want us to have a space where we can…be _us_. I want…I want our bed to be _our_ bed; not Vriska’s or Kanaya’s. I don’t know how this… _this_ is going to work but I just remember feeling so needlessly jealous that Kanaya and Vriska were getting together in the bed I slept with her in. We’re going to have to discuss that when they get home; I don’t mind that she’s with Vriska…but I don’t want to unwittingly subject her or Vriska to the same sort of discomfort.”

John was quiet so Rose rambled on.

“I want this to work…I genuinely do,” Rose said, resting her forehead against John’s. “It’s going to be something of a balancing act but I’m sure we can work it out. I don’t care if it’s greedy or selfish or whatever anyone else wants to call it. I want you; I want her. And I want you both to be happy so- _mmph_!”

Rose’s rant was silenced abruptly as John reached up, planting a slow, lingering kiss against her lips as her fingers traced the curve of his neck and jawline. They melted together for a long moment before John pulled back, a fond smile on his face.

“How do you always think of the most amazing shit?” John stammered, shaking his head. “Leave it to Rose Lalonde to figure out how to spot weld two completely different romance systems together.”

“I had some help,” Rose admitted. “Have to cite my sources where necessary.”

“Darn; I was about to show you how amazing I think you are but if you had other sources-“

“Did I say other sources? I meant unpaid research assistants whose work I’m taking credit f-“

Rose bit back a small sigh as she felt him slowly slide into her, head resting against the shower wall as she settled back to enjoy the fruits of a very well executed plan. Showering forgotten, they would likely need another rinsing once John was done _thanking_ Rose...which truth be told, they were completely fine with.

* * *

They were _terrible_ environmentalists.

The water was freezing by the time they got out and neither of them bothered to get dressed after drying off before crawling back under the covers. They idly flipped through channels on the TV, discussing decorating plans for their new room (Balthazar would of course have to live in their closet), shooting the breeze, and sleeping most of the day away. They rose only to go to the bathroom or go to the kitchen, lazily lounging between the sheets late into the night and watching terrible movie after terrible movie.

“Oh god, is that _Eraserhead_ again?” Rose groaned, flopping back into bed as she glared up at the screen. 

“Probably,” John shrugged, biting one end of a Twizzler. “Literally nothing else on and-“

Rose’s legs straddled John’s hips, mouth catching the other end of the Twizzler as she slowly ate her way towards John’s end, finishing with a red, sticky kiss that lingered between them for a long moment.

“Mind if I keep you company?” Rose asked, snaking her arms around his neck.

“By all means,” John chuckled, hands slowly sliding up her bare sides beneath the sheets. “Take my mind of this stupid fucking movie.”

"With gusto," Rose purred, pinning him back against the mattress as each passing kiss slowly forged a new and exciting bond that was theirs and theirs alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [Teen Girl Squad Voice] ITS OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.
> 
> Thus ends my first foray into the homestuck fandom. I want to thank everyone for their support thus far; you have all made this a real pleasure to write so thank you very much.
> 
> A couple of things
> 
> 1) This is now part of the Gods of Altearthia series. My PWP now has lore and a shared universe. My smut now comes with lore. I'm shipping demi-god fanbabies together in stories I haven't even gotten close to writing. This is where I die people. It's been nice knowing you. That said, if any of the god-tier stuff is confusing I'll probably post a masterlist of all my worldbuilding stuff just for a general reference. I outline it in every one of these suckers but a master list might be handy.
> 
> 2) Ghost on the Dance Floor. My next fic is another PWLOP featuring Eridan and Feferi's somewhat strained relationship. Expect (I shit you not) more worldbuilding, armbars, immortality angst, Thomas Jefferson getting pushed down a flight of stairs, French people, pirates, horseback riding with the Marquis du Sade, wine snobbery, the Saskatchewan Spinning Nerve Hold, six thousand years of PTSD, that dumb trope where there's only one bed, samurai ladies, Egyptian gold-blooded princes, armbars, gods clashing, art class, and a borderline spiritual smut scene I've been toying with since I first got into this fandom three years ago. 
> 
> So thank you all for sticking with me so far and I look forward to seeing you all down the road!

**Author's Note:**

> First Homestuck fic and first time working with the characters. I appreciate any feedback (including anything I should have tagged but didn't!


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